Many of us experience doubts and fears from time to time about our partners and the relationships we build. This is normal and nothing to worry about.

However, some people experience much stronger fears about their relationship and, as a result, regularly seek reassurance that their partner is happy and still wants to be with them.

This constant need for reassurance in a relationship can, unfortunately, have a detrimental effect on some, leading to the one thing you feared all along – the end of your relationship.

In order to prevent the need for reassurance from harming your relationship, you must first determine the cause of this need. When the root cause is clear, the solution should be clear as well.

Reasons why you need constant reassurance in a relationship

1. Personal past relationship trauma
   Perhaps the most common reason for needing reassurance in a relationship is that you have been deeply scarred by problems and trauma in a previous relationship. Often times, if you have been betrayed or let down by an ex before, you will find it difficult to trust in any future relationships.

If an ex cheated on you, you may need constant reassurance that your new partner only has eyes for you. If your ex no longer loves you, you may need reassurance over and over again that your new partner still loves and cares about you.

It is understandable that if you have been deeply hurt in the past, you will fear that history will repeat itself or that you will be surprised again. In order to allay these fears, we seek constant reassurance in our relationships to create a sense of control. If you keep up to date with what your partner is thinking, you can’t be surprised.

2. Low self-confidence
   Anyone who struggles with their self-esteem will know that it can be difficult not to project these feelings onto others. In particular, it can be difficult not to assume that your partner sees you the same way you do.

Whether you see yourself as unattractive, unworthy, annoying, or boring, you’re likely to assume that your partner feels the same way. This can lead to seeking reassurance in a relationship. You’re always worried that they’re not interested in you anymore or that you’re not attracted to you as much as others.

3. Relationship problems
   Often times, the need for reassurance in a relationship comes from broken trust. If you have been betrayed, especially by an affair, it is understandable that you will feel insecure in that relationship in the future.

You’ll probably always feel stressed and worried that your partner has eyes for someone else again. In order to combat this, you may seek to reassure them that they haven’t found someone else and are only attracted to you.

If your relationship is turbulent, often resulting in fights or hurtful comments, you may need reassurance that your partner loves you. These fights can lead you to fear that your partner no longer wants to be in a relationship with you.

To overcome this anxiety, you may need reassurance that despite your problems, your partner still cares about you and wants to continue your relationship.

4. Your partner’s past
   Although we know that we shouldn’t judge someone by their past, it can be difficult not to. Your partner’s past often feels like a clear representation of their personality, and while we know that’s not always the case, it can be difficult to change that feeling.

If your partner has cheated on their ex or betrayed them in previous relationships in some way, it’s natural to fear that they might do so to you as well. This will often lead to a need for reassurance in the relationship.

You may be hyper-aware of their interactions with others and often need to reassure them that they know they have made mistakes in the past but will not do it again. You may also need to know that they love you or are more attracted to you than their exes, which means they would never do to you what they did to them.

5. Childhood relationships
   Unfortunately, not all of us had a loving, healthy childhood. It is not uncommon for children to feel a lack of support or love from their parents. This can lead them to become adults and search for love more desperately than others.

The desire for appropriate love, care, and affection can manifest as a need for reassurance in a relationship. If your family doesn’t show you a lot of love and care, you may be more insistent that your partner shows you that so you can feel reassured that he or she is there.

Experiencing loss at an early age can lead to seeking reassurance in relationships as well. Whether it’s the death of a parent, a bad divorce, or an absent parent, you may have abandonment issues. The agonizing fear that your partner might also leave, one way or another, leads to a search for reassurance that he or she is not going anywhere.

6. Difference in communication needs
   Do you know your love language? In recent years, we have become more aware of how love languages dictate the way we like to give and receive love. We often have difficulty registering love if it is presented in a way that we do not personally understand.

For example, if you feel loved when you are physically touched or held, you may not feel loved by someone who shows love by showering you with gifts.

Sometimes, our partner’s love language is so different from ours that we don’t always see it when they show us love. This can lead to a need for reassurance in the relationship because you don’t see or feel their love the way they want you to.

How to stop needing reassurance in a relationship

1. Practice self-love
   It’s almost self-explanatory. If you love yourself deeply, you don’t need to keep looking for reassurance in a relationship.

Building your self-confidence and self-belief will make you know and believe in your worth, and therefore not seek external confirmation. If you love yourself, you will feel more secure and will truly believe that your partner loves you.

2. Open the connection
   Sometimes, all it takes to get reassurance in a relationship is better communication. There is no need for your difference in love language to cause stress. As long as you keep the lines of communication open and clearly tell your partner when you’re feeling insecure, it’s possible to have a long and happy relationship.

Express to your partner what you need to feel loved and they can do the same for you. Between you, you will never have to worry about each other’s feelings again.

3. Ask for help
   In some cases, the need for reassurance in a relationship comes from a place where you experienced trauma, perhaps in your childhood or previous relationships.

If you find it difficult to feel secure with your partner, and regularly seek reassurance that he or she loves you or is still attracted to you, you may benefit from professional help. A professional counselor or therapist can help you release the damage from your past, so you can be open and ready to receive love.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to needing reassurance in a relationship. Many of us suffer from these same fears. However, you don’t have to continue living this way.

To avoid stress on your relationship, you can try opening your communication and expressing your concerns to your partner. When love is real, there’s nothing that openness can’t fix.