I was walking with a friend the other day, and she turned to me and said, “Oh my God, you’ve made a real mess of your face!” My skin has always been a problem.

I’ve had acne since I was 13, and even in my 50s, it hasn’t gone away.

Since I made a real effort to cover up my acne, her comment bothered me. For a moment, I was so shocked that I couldn’t say anything. When I finally found my voice, I told her she had upset me.

“Oh, don’t be so sensitive,” she said, “I was just kidding.”

All I could complain was, “You’re really annoying me,” and walked away. If you’ve ever had to deal with bad jokes like this, you’ll understand exactly how I felt in that moment.

There is an element of shock. Did this person really say that to me? Then you wonder how to respond. Did they mean what they said? Did they intentionally mean to upset you? Were they just ignorant? Should you say something? What should you say?

How to deal with mean jokes
The problem is that while these thoughts are racing through your head, the moment is passing. Often times someone will say something so mean and turn it into a joke that you don’t know how to respond. Or think of an eloquent comeback days after the situation ends.

Of course, I can’t give you witty answers or responses to all the dirty jokes in the world. What I can do is give you some general advice and examples that will allow you to respond with confidence.

These responses mean the jokes are not bad or passive-aggressive. They refocus on the person who gave you the sarcastic remark.

In essence, we are calling on these people to confront what they said and not use excuses such as…

“Oh, it was just a joke, get over yourself.”

Now, before I start, make sure you’ve taken the following into consideration:

Did the person mean to hurt you or was he just ignorant?
How bothered are you by their comments? Are you angry or can you let it go?
Was it an offhand comment or directed at you personally?
Do you have triggers that cause you to overreact to certain comments?
How well do you know this person? Is this the first time you’ve met or are you friends?
Are they in the habit of telling bad jokes?
Do you feel confident enough to face them?
Are you in a power dynamic that makes it difficult for you to say anything?
It can be easy to jump in and start accusing everyone of bad behavior. The problem with doing this is that we must try to weigh each position based on its importance. Does it warrant confrontation?

If you decide yes, this is important enough that you want to say something, this is how you can announce it.

Use the following as a set of step-by-step procedures. So, start by ignoring, then ask them to repeat, once they repeat the comment, ask them to explain it to you, and so on.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what to say when you have bad jokes, here are 9 ways you can distract, disarm, and discourage people from telling them in the future.

9 Ways to deal with mean jokes

Ignore them/don’t laugh
In any encounter, you don’t want to jump to the big guns right away. The reason is that you may have misunderstood or misunderstood the joke.

Ignoring the person or not laughing at the bad joke can be an effective tactic, especially if everyone is laughing. Silence is a powerful tool because it puts the burden back on the perpetrator.

“i beg your pardon?”
Asking someone to repeat themselves is also an effective way to confront their actions. You’re not saying you agree or disagree with what they said.

However, you want clarification before moving forward. Making a person repeat a mean or offensive joke robs them of power. Sometimes just asking them to repeat it silences them.

“Explain to me?”

This is especially effective when dealing with sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes. For example, I used to work for a manager who was constantly making sexual remarks about me in front of clients.

Things like “She’d make a really good stripper” or “If you ask her nicely, she’ll show you her body.”

By saying, “Explain that to me,” you put the perpetrator in an uncomfortable position to describe why he said that. Remember, you are not obligated to laugh at the joke to make the person feel better.

What was their intention?

Famous comedian Ricky Gervais once said that there is nothing you can’t joke about. It’s all about intention. What is the intent behind the joke?

For example, this is a serious joke:

A Holocaust victim goes to heaven and meets God. God asks the survivor about his experiences in the camps and the survivor says “You should have been there.”

While some people argue that you can’t joke about something as horrific as the Holocaust, we’re all in on the joke because clearly none of us want to be there. However, if your far-right friend told this joke, his intent would be different.

Killthemwithsarcasm

In such situations, sarcasm is not the lowest form of intelligence, but rather a great way to shift the situation onto the perpetrator.

For example, if someone says, “Oh my God, did you get dressed in the dark?” Answer, “No, I borrowed these clothes from your closet.”

Or my favorite:

“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

Act sincerely surprised

If you’re in a group, the best way to deal with bad jokes is often to act surprised. In your world, people don’t say things like that.

Examples include “Oh my God, what a terrible thing to say!” Or “Wow, where did this come from?” or “What century do they live in?” Or my favorite (taken from my father) “Who Shaked His Cage?”

This way, you can draw attention to the person without confronting them directly. Hopefully they get the message and shut up. If not, go to the next step.

Ask for support from others

Again, group settings provide a degree of support. Think about it, if this mean joke offended or affected you, it will likely have the same effect on others. You can look around and ask the question

“Why would anyone say that?” Or “I find that very inappropriate, don’t you?”

Detecting bad behavior is easier when you have a backup.