What can you do if your elderly mother wants constant attention? Maybe you’re willing and able to provide the care you need, but your partner feels resentful? Maybe you didn’t have the best relationship with your mother growing up, and you feel conflicted now that she expects you to take care of her. Or do you live far away and regular visits are not possible?
As we age, our mental health may decline, we become less physically active, and our mortality rates loom larger. We may lose life partners or close friends. Retirees miss the camaraderie with their colleagues, compromising our social activity.
Family ties weaken as children move away and move on in life. Maybe we left the family home to live an easier life in a neighborhood we don’t know. All of these factors negatively impact our social circle, leading to feelings of loneliness and a need for attention.
Why does your elderly mother want constant attention
You cannot implement effective strategies if you do not know the root cause of your elderly mother’s constant need for attention. There are several reasons why older people are needy:
They are lonely and isolated
They think they don’t care about you
They think you have a lot of free time
They cannot do household chores
They have memory problems
They have experienced a traumatic event
They are manipulating you
Think about why your elderly mother needs attention, and then act accordingly.
What do you do when your elderly mother wants constant attention?
- If she feels lonely and depressed – involve her with people her age
Studies document the widespread effects of loneliness on older adults. Feeling lonely in old age leads to mental and physical health problems. However, no child can assume full responsibility for the ongoing care of his or her elderly parents.
Research also shows that older people form friendships with people their own age. Are there any community activities designed for seniors in your neighborhood? Does she have elderly neighbors she can meet with?
“People in positive relationships tend to be less affected by everyday problems and have a greater sense of control and independence. Those without relationships often become isolated, neglectful, and depressed. Those in bad relationships tend to develop and maintain negative self-perceptions, and find Life is less satisfying, and they often lack the motivation to change.Hanson and Carpenter, 1994.
Where I live, many widows take turns making Sunday lunch for each other. Is there social care available that offers supervised trips away or days out? Some communities have a seniors’ club where seniors can come, have tea and chat.
One sign of loneliness is a lack of motivation, so it may be up to you to find these activities and encourage your elderly mother to participate.
- If she doesn’t think she’s important to you – include her in family events
Maybe your elderly mother wants constant attention because she feels like she’s not getting any. As we age, we become less important to our families and society. We blend into the background and become invisible. No one asks for our opinions. Nobody wants our advice. It is a secluded place to live.
We all know the old saying, “Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.” Imagine that you are old and lonely and feel like a burden on your family. It is soul destroying. But we all get older, and one day you will be in a similar situation to your elderly mother.
Maybe your partner will die before you and all your friends die. What a terrible existence. This may be what your elderly mother is facing. Be kind, helpful and inclusive. Why not share it on family occasions such as Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries? You can also arrange to call her regularly or invite her to lunch on a Sunday every month.
- If she thinks you have the same amount of free time as she does – explain your life to her
One of the reasons your elderly mother wants constant attention is because she thinks you do nothing all day and could spend it with her. We all assume that people live lives similar to ours. In other words, we are all busy and feel tired when we finish work. But older people have more free time than we do. It is easy for them to assume that we can answer the phone at all hours of the day. Or we can leave everything and come to see them.
Enjoy a normal day with your elderly mother and show her how much free time you have available. Advise you that contact during the day is impossible because you work/take care of the children. Seeing your reality can change her perspective. Insist that you do not ignore it; You just get on with your life.
Explain to him that it would be impossible for you to spend every waking moment with her. You have your own family. This doesn’t mean you don’t care about her; However, you can let her know when you are available.
If you work or have children, your elderly mother cannot expect to control your free time, but you can schedule appointments for a regular phone call or visit. Talk to her about your responsibilities and how you divide your time. Then plan a schedule together that makes you both happy.
- If you cannot do household chores – hire a caregiver/cleaner
I have an elderly neighbor who lives alone with no close family members near her. Once a week, I take her shopping to give her independence.
She also looked into what benefits she was entitled to. Some elderly people are entitled to government benefits if they are not healthy enough to care for themselves. My neighbor had a stroke last year and with my help she now receives benefits to help with her health needs. This means you don’t have to worry about her having a clean home or taking care of her.
If you can’t hire a caregiver to visit regularly, talk to family members and see what help they can offer. It doesn’t have to be physical. Maybe a sibling lives in another country but can help financially? Talk to her neighbors. Do you communicate with them? Are they willing to monitor it or even take a spare key for emergencies?
- Do you have memory problems – check for dementia
Decreased mental ability can often lead to the need for constant attention. Your mother may not realize that she is asking for more of your time. As we age, our memories become less reliable, and this causes anxiety and confusion.
There is also a possibility that your mother has dementia. Signs of dementia often look like neediness, for example, needing constant reminders and reassurance, and clinging behaviour.
“Memory issues can also cause a senior to repeatedly seek attention and reassurance because they cannot remember that their caregiver actually met these needs.” Sherry Samotin, Aging Care
Your elderly mother may constantly repeat herself, and this can be frustrating. Try using a calendar and marking off days to visit so that your mother has a visual reference she can rely on. Or set aside one day a week for a regular call or visit.
- If she experiences a traumatic event – make her feel safe
My elderly neighbor fell down the stairs in the middle of the night and couldn’t get up to raise the alarm. She spent months in hospital and was not ready to do anything for herself when she returned. Before the accident, she was independent and social. Now that she was back home, she was too afraid to go upstairs.
Her friends rearranged her house, putting a bed downstairs and access to laundry and toilet facilities. We all had keys for emergencies and texted or called regularly. She had to learn how to feel safe again in her home.
Whenever she stepped out of her comfort zone, we praised her and gave her positive reinforcement. This encouraged her to do more for herself and regain her independence.
- She may be manipulating you – stick to your boundaries
Of course, some elderly mothers demand your constant attention as a form of manipulation. In this case, your best option is to move on with your life, set firm boundaries, and don’t put up with any bullshit.
Don’t feel guilty for spending time with your elderly mother. Ignore any gaslighting techniques such as playing siblings against each other. Your elderly mother will know what buttons to press to gain sympathy and attention.
