Is moving away from an elderly parent the right choice? How do you deal with feelings of guilt or abandonment?
Should walking away be an option? Do children owe a debt of gratitude to their parents that they must repay when they grow up? Here are eight situations where walking away is the right thing to do.
8 situations in which you should consider staying away from your elderly father
- You do not have a good relationship with your elderly father
Some children are lucky enough to grow up with loving and caring parents. But if your childhood was abusive, neglectful, or traumatic, you may have attachment issues. How are your interactions with your parents? Do you argue a lot, get frustrated, or just go through the motions?
Caring for a parent who did not care for you as a child is not healthy for either party. If you feel responsible though, the only way to move forward is to confront the feelings you’re having, either with a therapist or your parents.
Remember that their memories may differ from yours, or they may not want to open old wounds.
- When you can’t take care of them anymore
Elderly parents may have complex medical needs that an untrained person cannot provide. For example, if a parent is bedridden, bed sores may develop quickly and become infected. We train healthcare professionals on how to lift a frail person. You can do more damage if you do not know the correct procedures.
Then there is the medicine. Elderly parents with dementia need specialized care that protects not only them from themselves, but also from others. You may want to do the right thing, but getting professional help ensures your parents get the best care possible. And don’t forget that they are unlikely to get better as they get older.
- Your elderly father is abusive
Abuse can be verbal, physical or psychological. You wouldn’t help a friend who continued to abuse you, so why should you keep in touch just because the abuser is your father? If their abuse is affecting your mental health or physical well-being, the right thing is to move away from an elderly parent.
Moreover, if you have your own family, your parents’ abusive behavior will negatively affect them as well. Unless they change their behavior, you are not obligated to see them. Your father could have dementia, making him aggressive, but that doesn’t mean you should suffer too.
- They have an all-consuming addiction
Addicts have one thing in mind, which is where their next fix will come from. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, or even sex, relationships fail. No one knows why some people become addicted and others do not. It’s definitely not a lifestyle choice. Addicts have underlying psychological problems, such as childhood trauma.
Whatever the cause, addiction makes people selfish, self-destructive, and irrational. You cannot talk or reason with the addict, especially if he is using drugs, or he will not listen to your pleas to get treatment.
If they don’t change or help themselves, moving away from an elderly parent is the best thing you can do.
- You have moved away to get a new job
Children cannot stop their lives and wait for their parents to die before it is their time to shine. Your parents have lived their lives, now it’s your turn.
If you have a job offer that requires moving away, you may have to go, and that means moving away from an elderly parent. We should live our lives and take advantage of every opportunity that comes our way.
You may have thought about bringing your parents with you, but they have expressed a desire to stay where they are. This is not unusual. They are surrounded by acquaintances: neighbors, friends, their doctor, etc. It will be difficult for them to move. But that doesn’t mean you can’t.
- Your parents have moved away
Aging parents move away for several reasons. They move to a different country or state because it is warmer. Or they can move to assisted living facilities where day care is available. If they choose to leave their comfort zone, you don’t have to go with them.
You have your own career, your home, friends and other family members. You’ve created a support network around you. If they have moved a long distance from you, then frequent visits might prove difficult. They cannot expect the same level of attention when you lived close by.
If they expect to see you on a regular basis like they did before, you will have to explain to them that this is not possible.
- Your father is manipulating or taking advantage of you
Does your elderly parent act helpless when you know he can? Do they call or text you all the time for the simplest things, even when they know you’re working? Are you the one asking for help, even though you have other siblings? Do you feel exploited, or are you afraid their name will show up on your phone?
You seem to have become frustrated with their increasing demands. If you feel like it’s becoming too much, you may find that moving away from your elderly parent is the only thing you can do. Ask other family members to intervene or involve professional caregivers.
- You can’t afford to take care of your parents
Private health care for the elderly is expensive, as it should be. We want the best professionals and facilities for our elderly parents.
But daily living costs are also expensive. The prices of many basic items such as gas, electricity, food, gasoline and mortgages have risen significantly over the past two years. Add to that the additional cost of providing quality health care to your parents and sometimes it just isn’t feasible.
Raising your hands and saying that you cannot financially support your parents’ care does not mean that you are abandoning them. It’s realistic. You have your own financial expenses to worry about. You may have family or other commitments. Many of us deal with debt and have no savings or spare money.
If you feel guilty about moving away from your elderly parents because you can’t financially support their care, look into other options available to them. There is always government support or you can ask family and friends.
Coping with your feelings after walking away from an elderly parent
