Adult children of narcissists suffer lifelong abuse. Narcissistic parents lack empathy, exploit their children to further their own agendas, and are unlikely to seek treatment or change their destructive behaviors in the long term (Kacel, Ennis, & Pereira, 2017). Their children often suffer from severe psychological maltreatment, as their parents use behaviors such as bullying, intimidation, coercive control, insults, demands, and threats to keep them obedient (Spinazzola et al., 2014). This type of trauma puts children of narcissists at risk for suicide, low self-esteem, depression, self-harm, substance abuse, attachment disorders, and complex PTSD, resulting in symptoms similar to children who have been physically or sexually abused (Gibson, 2016). ; Schwartz, 2016; Spinazzola et al., 2014, Walker, 2013).
If children of narcissists choose to stay in contact with their abusive parents, they will continue to face manipulation even when they become adults. The same tactics that were used to control them when they were children can remain powerful even when they become adults—perhaps even more so because these tactics cause them to regress back to childhood states of fear, shame, and terror.
The difference is that as an adult, you have the ability to use alternative coping methods, self-care, and limit contact with your parents while you recover. Here are five manipulative tactics narcissistic parents use to control their children, even as adults, and some self-care tips for dealing with it:
1) Emotional blackmail
It appears that the narcissistic parent is making a request, but in reality it is a demand. If you say no, set boundaries, or tell them you’ll come back to it later, they will apply increased pressure and threaten consequences to try to get you to cave in. If you still refuse, they may punish you with passive aggressive statements, an angry attack, withholding something important, or even threatening violence or vandalism. This is emotional blackmail.
For example: Your narcissistic mother may tell you that she would like you and your family to come over for dinner on the weekend. All the relatives will be there and want to see you. Knowing her abusive ways, you tell her you can’t come this weekend because you have a previous engagement. Instead of respecting your wishes, she proceeds to talk about how ungrateful you are and how your whole family is looking forward to seeing you and your children. She says no, hangs up, and subjects you to the silent treatment for weeks.
Self-care tip: Know your rights and limits. You have the right to say “no” to any invitation or request, especially from someone who is known to be abusive. You have the right to protect yourself and any other family members who may be affected by your parent’s toxic behavior. You don’t have to undergo any silent treatments or endure tantrums. You can let your narcissistic parent get any reaction he has from a distance. During this time, do not respond to phone calls, text messages, or voicemails that are offensive in nature. Don’t meet them in person to “discuss.” Your “no” is not a negotiation.
2) Guilt tripping with Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG)
It is common for narcissistic parents to use FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) on us to incite a type of guilt that may cause us to give in to their desires, even at the expense of our own basic needs and rights.
Example: Your narcissistic parent disapproves of you being single and childless. He tells you that time is running out to give him grandchildren. When you tell him that you are happy to be single, he explodes with anger and despair, and says: So I will die without grandchildren? I’m getting older and sicker every day, don’t you think I want to see my daughter start a family? Is this how you repay me for everything I’ve done for you? What does our society think about seeing an unmarried woman your age? It is shameful and disgraceful! You are a disgrace to the family!
Self-Care Tip: Notice any feelings of guilt or shame that arise and realize that they are not yours when you find yourself guilt-ridden by a narcissistic parent. Ask yourself if there is anything that really makes you feel guilty. Did you intend to cause any harm to your narcissistic parent, or are you simply doing what every human being has the right to do – live their lives of their own free will? You have the right to your own choices, preferences, and independence, even if your toxic parent did not approve of those choices. You don’t owe them an explanation for choices about your career, your love life, or any children you may or may not have.
3) Shyness
Narcissistic and toxic parents shame their children into further belittling and degrading them. This is actually very effective, as research has shown that when someone feels defective and flawed, they tend to be more compliant with the requests of others (Walster, 1965; Gudjonsson and Sigurdsson, 2003).
For example: Your narcissistic parent starts commenting on your career choices over Thanksgiving dinner, calling you reckless and irresponsible. Even though you are successful, financially stable, and own your own home, they continue to manipulate you in ways that shortchange you because you did not choose the career they asked of you. They criticize your ability to provide for your family and be a role model for your children.
Self-Care Tip: Acknowledge if you experience any form of emotional flashback when your parent starts criticizing and embarrassing you. It is important to notice if you feel yourself regressing into childhood helplessness so that you can learn to reclaim your power in the present rather than react in a way that is conducive to their shameful tactics. Let them know that you will not be ashamed, and that if they continue this behavior, they will see less of you. Realize that this shame is not yours, and remind yourself of how far you have come. You deserve to be proud of yourself, not ashamed.
4) Triangulation and comparison
Narcissistic parents like to compare their children to their siblings or other peers in an attempt to belittle them even further. They want their scapegoat children to fight for their approval and attention. They also want to provoke them into feeling less than.
Example: You receive a call from your parents telling you about your cousin’s engagement. Your toxic mother makes a sarcastic comment like, you know, your cousin Ashley just finished medical school and got engaged. What do you do with your life?
Self-Care Tip: Don’t give in to petty comparisons — call it triangulation and realize it’s just another way to undermine you. Change the subject or find an excuse to break off the conversation if your narcissistic parent engages in unnecessary comparisons and derogatory comments. Notice whether you have the urge to justify or explain yourself – and resist the urge to do so.
Know that you don’t have to waste your energy proving your accomplishments to people who don’t want to acknowledge them. Spend time with people who celebrate you and keep a list of what you’re proud of to remind yourself that you don’t have to compare yourself to anyone in order to feel successful in your own right.
5) Gas lighting
Gaslighting is a malicious weapon in the narcissistic parent’s toolbox. It allows the toxic parent to distort reality, deny the reality of the abuse, and make you feel like you are the toxic person you are lashing out at.
For example: Your narcissistic parent leaves you an abusive voicemail late at night and ten missed calls when you refuse to do your best to do something for him. Even though you have made it clear to him that it is inappropriate for you to do so, he insists on punishing you for not complying with his requests and continues to pester you over the phone. The next day, you call him to confront him about his harassing behavior, and he responds by saying, “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.” I barely called you last night. You imagine things
Self-Care Tip: Those who are gaslighted in childhood often experience persistent feelings of self-doubt in adulthood. Instead of giving in to your conditioned sense of self-doubt, start noticing when your narcissistic parent’s lies don’t match reality. When you experience an abusive incident, document it and work with a therapist to stay aware of what you experienced in both childhood and adulthood rather than subscribing to your parents’ toxic version of events.
Track whether there is a pattern of manipulation in your relationship with your narcissistic parent and act on what you experienced, rather than what the abusive parent claims. Remember, the more you resist memory loss resulting from abuse, the more likely you are to be able to protect yourself and avoid being taken advantage of or taken advantage of by a toxic parent.
