The tension, tension and terror portrayed by Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada is all too familiar to some. Unfortunately, many narcissists easily climb to the top of the food chain, leaving a trail of destructive relationships in their wake. When the narcissist puts his positions on executive mode, he achieves this but the cost is often broken relationships.
The key to working with a narcissist is not to point out their narcissism to everyone. This can be detrimental to your career even when the narcissist fully acknowledges his behavior and is proud of it. It’s okay for a narcissist to point out their potential flaws (which aren’t actually flaws to them), but it’s never okay for someone else to embarrass them.
Rather, the key to survival when working with a narcissist is to know yourself. Be aware of personal and professional strengths that are seen as potential competition to the narcissist. Likewise, be sensitive to any weaknesses that are perceived as potential weaknesses that could be used in a later attack by the narcissist. Here are ten more tips to remember.
Stay calm. Regardless of verbal threats, intimidation, manipulation, distortion of the truth, or feelings of guilt, stay calm. Think of this as a self-control exercise. It is much easier to respond strategically if emotions are mitigated.
Ignore aggression. One common technique of control is to use aggressive body language because she is making a statement without saying anything. Examples include leaning forward, looking down at someone, physically blocking the exit, or puffing out the chest. Don’t draw attention to it because that assures them that it is effective.
Pause before responding. Take some time before responding to any demands. Even a short stop is effective. It is better to be seen as slow than to make a quick forced decision. Narcissists like to exploit the need for immediate action (or crisis) to bully others besides themselves.
Speak more calmly. Former US President Teddy Roosevelt’s foreign policy advice is to speak softly and carry a big stick, which is ideal for dealing with a narcissist. Carrying a big stick should be viewed metaphorically, not literally. The stick is for protection from any attack. Every narcissist has an area of insecurity that can be used for embarrassment when the narcissist takes things too far.
Watch out for the roller coaster. Narcissists have a natural way of doing push/pull tactics. Their idealization of a person is quickly followed by devaluation, sometimes within the same sentence. Don’t get on their roller coaster. Instead, refuse to agree with either of them in order to remain neutral.
Check body language. Some people experience normal signs of anxiety such as hair pulling, skin scratching, neck turning red, or restlessness. Narcissists have a keen sense of these signs and often use these specific moments to attack more aggressively. Remember, they lack empathy, so instead of restraining someone when they are visibly nervous, they lash out.
Try to link. Challenging a narcissist is the quickest way to incite an immediate attack. Since they hate feeling embarrassed, they are hypersensitive to anything that might make them look bad. Instead, try joining them as a partner, this will be better received.
Set boundaries. In general, narcissists do not respect boundaries at first. But when boundaries are consistent and enforced, they will eventually concede. So, even if there is resistance, in the beginning, be consistent over a period of time and things will improve.
Speak clearly. Trying to communicate with a narcissist can be frustrating because the conversation always seems to be redirected. Since there is a short period of time to communicate, speak clearly and directly about what is needed. Any expectations or goals should be addressed as succinctly as possible.
Have an exit plan. If you ever feel unsafe talking to a narcissist, reach out to someone outside the department. Talking to coworkers in the same unit will be interpreted by the narcissist as disloyal behavior.
Use these 10 strategies to handle future work situations so the narcissist doesn’t gain the advantage.
