In my practice, I often see couples where one partner lacks empathy, is self-centered and grandiose, and believes that he or she is never wrong in any situation (I will use it here, because although there are narcissists of both genders, it is most often diagnosed in men .) This partner may meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, even though he or she has never been formally diagnosed, as narcissists typically see no reason to seek individual treatment.
Narcissists are extremely difficult to treat in couples counseling, because they avoid any suggestion that they may be contributing to current marital difficulties. They blame either their spouse or circumstances outside of their control (such as their job, other family members) for all conflicts within the relationship.
The non-narcissistic spouse generally suffers from low self-esteem. Then, in a vicious cycle, being involved with a narcissist lowers the person’s self-esteem even further. (Another common pattern is for a narcissist to marry another narcissist, but this couple is unlikely to admit anything wrong with the marriage or seek counseling.)
Conflict in marriage arises when the non-narcissistic spouse wants to be close to the narcissist and have his or her emotional needs met, but feels pushed away, as if the narcissist doesn’t really know or care about them. Often the narcissist also engages in gaslighting, where he denies the reality of his partners, either directly by lying or indirectly by not admitting to himself that he has done anything wrong. For example, there will be exchanges such as:
So what we have is a dynamic where one partner acts like he can do no wrong, acknowledges no role in any marital problem, and believes he doesn’t need to work on the marriage, along with another person eager to improve the marriage. The attitude and feeling of being known, understood and appreciated. The non-narcissistic wife can sometimes act crazy because she desperately wants to be heard and understood by the narcissist, for example, screaming, crying, and throwing things. This has the opposite effect than intended, because the narcissist will think, or outright say: “Of course I don’t want to be close to you, you’re too crazy.” This of course makes the husband feel crazier and more out of balance, and therefore more motivated to fix the marriage.
This couple is very difficult to treat, but successful treatment depends on the narcissist developing empathy for his wife’s point of view and feelings. If there is even a small move toward understanding the spouse’s point of view, the marriage has the potential to improve. On the other hand, there should be an increase in the spouses’ sense of self-esteem and self-efficacy. If she can learn to value herself and find sustenance and support in others, her career, or other outlets, she will not depend on the narcissist for validation.
Although a narcissist is able to change and learn to be more empathetic, he or she will always have limitations. He rarely turns into someone who is comfortable sharing his vulnerabilities and asking for emotional support. However, if he can learn to provide some emotional support, the marriage will improve and become closer.
Some techniques for engaging the narcissist in exploring his or her more empathetic side are to start with what he or she already does well and build on that. Many narcissists get along well with their children (especially when the children are too young to reject their parent or his values) and their pets, because they enjoy the dynamics where others look up to them. Children often act as extensions of the narcissist’s self. If the narcissist has any capacity for empathy, it will show itself here.
Thus, the narcissist may be tempted to develop empathy for his or her spouse by acknowledging and praising how sympathetically he or she acts around children or pets, and drawing parallels between these situations and his own marriage. For example, just as you were great at comforting Josh when he lost the game, I hope you can express compassion to your wife when she’s upset or lonely.
Likewise, the narcissist often wants to impress others, and his desire to show the therapist how quickly he can learn can work to the couple’s advantage. As long as the therapist emphasizes the narcissist’s efforts, he or she will often make a significant effort to excel in treatment, which can include the ability to learn the skill of empathy. In fact, this is a skill that the narcissist likely did not learn at home, so they are often very curious about it and how it will work to allow them to relate better to others. Often, narcissists respond well to the idea of learning from experts, such as a therapist, and will take pride in being the best student of therapy the therapist has ever seen.
This may initially seem like a superficial type of change, because it is extrinsically motivated rather than intrinsic. But, in fact, if the narcissist sees that empathy is working well and changes his wife’s behavior and feelings toward him, this will reinforce his desire to remain in treatment, where there is an opportunity for a deeper, more fundamental change on a personality level to occur. The marriage will also stabilize if the narcissistic spouse finally feels heard and known for the first time in the relationship, which will allow her a more secure base from which to explore working on her self-esteem and identity outside of marriage. Overall, teaching basic empathy and validation skills can be considered an effective way to gain narcissistic buy-in in marriage counseling, so that more profound change can occur later.
