With Halloween just around the corner, it’s time to remember that there’s nothing scarier than a narcissistic or psychopathic emotional vampire, or having them exposed for who they really are. Ghouls, vampires, ghosts and monsters under the bed simply cannot compare to the real monsters that may be lurking in your bed. Narcissists and psychopaths create chaos to keep you focused on them alone. They know they can’t keep you interested in them long term because they rely on a false mask to navigate the world.

Manufactured chaos allows malignant narcissists to keep you on the hamster wheel of trying to figure out their intentions and second guessing yourself. They are trying to train you to question what you did wrong instead of holding them accountable for their actions. They convince you that setting boundaries or expressing discomfort with their annoying antics is the problem, not their problematic behavior.

Here are five ways these manipulators wreak havoc and cause destruction in a passive-aggressive manner, and tips on how to defend yourself against their manipulation and provocation:

1. Provoking crazy arguments.
   Narcissists and psychopaths are known for a tactic known as “baiting.” They deliberately provoke you so that you react emotionally and swallow their blame-shifting hook, line, and sinker. When they fall into this trap, narcissists and psychopaths go to great lengths to create circular conversations that lead nowhere — they use these conversations as a space for gaslighting, emotional invalidation, and projection.

When called out for their deplorable behavior, narcissists play the victim and lash out with narcissistic rage when you dare confront them, no matter how politely (Golston, 2012). They will portray even a reasonable and good-natured attempt to hold them accountable as an “assault” on their very rights. In their distorted reality, they are not wrong to make a derogatory comment or insult you. You will even be blamed if you respond to such a comment at all or protest their mistreatment.

These crazy arguments have a purpose: they serve to distract you from the narcissist’s true self and its manipulative nature. They serve as fuel for the narcissist’s repertoire – they derive great pleasure and emotional “feeding” from seeing you interact, as it validates their sense of superiority and importance. These tactics also disarm and exhaust you to the point that you are unable to resist, stand up for yourself, or engage in self-care.

When you notice an argument escalating, stop in your tracks and withdraw from the conversation completely (even if you have to make up an excuse to do so). With a narcissist, you are not dealing with someone who listens to reason. Find out when to unsubscribe. It’s best to detach and do something to calm yourself down, get buy-in from people you trust (such as a counselor well-versed in emotional abuse), or some other form of self-care.

2. Ruining holidays and special occasions or sabotaging you before big events.
   Have you ever noticed that a narcissistic or psychopathic person is usually overly negative and sullen around holidays, or at times when they should be celebrating, such as a birthday, news of a promotion or professional success? This is not a coincidence. These emotional predators despise holidays and special occasions because they distract from them. They reveal their disdain for such celebration either through public insults or even underhanded vandalism.

According to Dr. Shari Steines, “Narcissists tend to practice seasonal discounting and neglect during the holidays, focusing these abuse tactics on their closest targets and closest partners. Why do they do this? Because they have no empathy and cannot handle intimate relationships and are forced to do whatever it takes to destroy them.”

Related : Push-Pull Dynamic of a Romantic Relationship with a Narcissist

For example, it is not uncommon for a narcissist to start a crazy argument with you the day before a big event or interview, to make you cry on your birthday, or to intentionally “forget” to give you a gift on Christmas. They may even spoil the celebrations by teasing you behind closed doors before attending family events, making you look like a “crazy guy.”

My advice, if possible, is to avoid the narcissist completely during the holidays – this includes electronic communications, as narcissists enjoy “wandering” around this time. Find supportive friends and family members who you can enjoy the day with instead. Even spending the holiday alone is better than being with someone who will try to bully and put you down on a day that should be full of joy.

3. Arousing jealousy and using love triangles to compete.
   Narcissists and psychopaths are notorious for what is known as “triangulation” – pitting two people against each other to have them compete for the narcissist’s attention, usually through love triangles. That’s why these manipulators make annoying comments about how attractive someone is, hint at sexual relations, or brag about how many times they get hit on. This is a way to provoke you to respond and compete for their affection.

In his book, The Art of Seduction, Robert Greene suggests that seducers create an aura of desire by pretending to have many suitors (whether this is the case or not). This involves creating a tangible sense of competition so that the target is forced to earn the attention and affection of this highly desirable person. As Greene writes:

When placed in a love triangle, opt out of the competition. Stay away from narcissists’ social media, where many attention-hungry narcissists go to put on a new show and chase new victims. Refuse to respond in ways that reveal that you are upset; Use this disgust you feel towards their triangulation tactics to cut ties with them instead. You never have to compete for the person who truly deserves you.

4. Sleep deprivation.
   Narcissists and psychopaths deprive you of sleep to keep you exhausted and keep your mind and body in chaos so you can’t see clearly or act in ways that benefit your health. They may deprive you of sleep by arguing with you for hours at night, teasing you close to bedtime, or treating you extremely harshly to keep you ruminating and unable to sleep.

According to Dr. Kelly Bulkeley, sleep deprivation is a form of torture. It is no wonder that it is often used (brutally and excessively) in interrogations and military tactics to make people vulnerable. As Bulkeley wrote:

“Part of the reason for this catastrophic collapse is that the immune system during sleep performs a range of vital regenerative functions that are absolutely essential for a healthy mind and body in waking life. When a person is sleep deprived, the immune system is unable to perform these functions. The negative effects become even more severe.” When people are already sick, injured, or traumatized, they will not heal quickly. No matter how much pain they feel, they will get worse. No matter what new physical damage threatens them, it will be difficult to defend against them. Depriving Forcibly sleeping someone is a profound assault on the entire biological system that forms the basis of that person’s mind and body.

If you find yourself losing sleep every day due to a toxic partner, know that this has a huge impact not only on your mind but also on your body. Your immune system is severely affected. If you are already suffering from the disease, you should move away from the narcissist as soon as possible. They are toxins to the healing and recovery process and their presence puts your life at risk.

5. Procrastination and the silent treatment.
   Procrastination shuts down the conversation before it has a chance to start. This happens when the person withdraws from the conversation and refuses to address your concerns. The manipulator may choose to completely ignore your requests, respond with dismissive or invalid responses, or evade responding entirely appropriately by providing vague answers that refuse to answer your original questions. Often times, stonewalling and the silent treatment go hand in hand as the abusive partner refuses to talk to their victim for long periods of time.

A pattern of chronic procrastination can be debilitating as research shows that receiving the “cold shoulder” and the silent treatment activates the same area of the brain that detects physical pain (Williams, Forgas, & Hippel, 2014). Being stoned is literally painful and can feel like being punched in the stomach. Narcissists chronically obstruct their victims to make them bend over backwards to please them.

The silent treatment and stonewalling incite excessive anxiety, fear and a constant feeling of self-doubt in their victims. The narcissist thrives on the power and control they feel as they continue to pull the victim’s strings like a master puppeteer. They usually apply silence or stonewalling at the time when the victim begins to recognize their mind games and try to call them into it. Instead of engaging in their tricks, withdraw your attention from them and refocus on your self-care. Don’t try to return them. They are neither a prize nor a loss. Their silence speaks volumes about their character and tells you everything you need to know about their true identity.

Related : How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse

If you’ve been held back or given the silent treatment, this is a golden opportunity to recognize just how big of a bullet you dodged. If someone can’t have a normal discussion or respect your boundaries without attacking you and punishing you for holding them accountable, you don’t need them in your life. Know that no one deserves to treat you this way, and that whoever treats you with this kind of disdain does not deserve you.

The Big Picture

Manufacturing chaos is one of the main ways the narcissist controls the victim’s psyche. When you’re too busy trying to defend yourself against a narcissist’s accusations or accusations, you have less time to see reality for what it is. The truth is that the narcissist instigates crazy arguments, tries to make you jealous, sabotage you before big events, deprives you of sleep, micromanages you, and ruins vacations. The smoke and mirrors that the narcissist surrounds you with to shift blame as she deliberately provokes you and then shames you for setting boundaries or speaking out are meant as deflections.