There’s nothing like fear to get your adrenaline going, speed up your thoughts, and shut you down. Have you ever turned into a trembling, helpless child in the corner? It’s very scary, but you’re not alone. However, “facing your fear” is what everyone says you should do if you want to change what is negative in your life. How do you challenge yourself to do something outside your comfort zone, or change things in your relationship or marriage when you’re afraid your actions might make everything much worse? For many women in a toxic relationship, their insurmountable fear is what keeps them in that place.
It may be fear of failure, fear of “losing” them or whatever you feel comfortable with, fear of hurting children, or fear of not being good enough to deserve anything other than what they have known. It may also be that they don’t know how to leave a toxic relationship. It’s a vicious cycle as crazy and torturous as Einstein’s definition of insanity: constantly repeating the same behavior in an unhealthy relationship over and over again while expecting a different outcome. However, accepting insanity is what many people do.
And you know them. Those long-term marriages, those relationships you don’t want? Those in which the partners settled on the devil they knew over the devil they did not know. As divorce educators and coaches who talk every day with women who are treading water in this scary place, what we know is that those women who are strong enough to do one more thing are the women who go on to change their lives for the better. But it’s hard. So, to give you perspective and relationship advice, we asked nine strong women who broke up with their histories, touched on their fears, and moved through the scary times to do something else. Here’s what they recommend when you’re caught up in the madness.
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9 Women Reveal How They Finally Found the Strength to Leave Their Toxic Relationship:
- Decide if it’s worth it
“First, it depends on what it is. I ask myself, ‘Should I do it?’ Because there are so many things that society tells us that we have to do, that I don’t have to do. I’ve learned this now, later in life. I try to be honest and check-in.” Of myself and then if I decide I have to do it, no matter what it is, I will go and do it. You must save the only life you can save.”
- Hire a professional for help
“I am a divorced woman who has been married for over 20 years and raised three children in the suburbs. When I’m not doing what I should be doing, I get professional help. I worked with a coach who helped me understand my fears about selling my home, but also my true desire, like how much I wanted to go back to grad school for photography. I’ve had to forgive myself for being afraid to lose my family’s nest egg, but I’m so proud of myself now for moving to New York City and living in a small studio so I could complete my master’s degree! Sometimes you just need a push from someone else!
- Visualize the dilemma and then choose
“When I’m faced with something very scary, like the approaching day of my divorce, I imagine my dilemma. I think of my feet on the edge of a skyscraper beam—a beam high in the sky! I imagine the fear of looking down. Yes, it’s scary! But then I think of what’s behind me, what I’ve known it for many years, and what it would be like to turn around and not jump in and find that this is less doable.
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- Get perspective
“One thing I do is remember my heritage. When I was young, I started reading books about the Holocaust and Primo Levi, and how he and other Jews survived incredible oppression and torture, walked or worked hours in concentration camps, and watched their loved ones get killed or never return. And then I go there thinking about the stupid things I should do! I think I could do it if they had to do much worse.
- Divide fear into steps
“I like to face fear holistically, slowly breaking it down into smaller parts and attacking it little by little. For example, I might tell myself I’ll just focus on the financial part now, and then I know it would be a good idea to talk to a finance person who can help me understand what’s at stake. Then I might walk away, and another day, talk to a school counselor about what my kids are going through There’s no way I would recommend anyone try to do everything at once You can’t do it well if it’s possible!
- Imagine yourself as a strong warrior
“You know this breakup made me cry a lot. But a helpful exercise for me is to go back to a time when I felt strong in my life. Then I remember my experience in college as an athlete. I remember rallying my team when we had to go out on the field to meet our opponent. One thing to do What we remember is that the other side is human too. They have fears like me so I think there are two things when facing the fear of separation: remember when you showed strength before and that you can do it again and secondly, remember that the other side is not a monster too. “
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- Stay present
“I stay in the moment. I take a deep breath. A big breath. I think what’s the worst-case scenario here? I was just in China, and I got the job myself. I was hired for two weeks, and I had to bring it! They kept changing things on me, and I stayed up at night recreating my presentations for the next day, telling myself, “This is my chance.” When I succeeded and realized no one was helping me, I did it, and that was my Wonder Woman moment.
- Do it for your children
“One of my biggest fears, growing up, was sailing. I grew up listening to my father tell me how dangerous sailboats were. When my son wanted to take sailing lessons, I was very nervous but eventually agreed to let him try. Three years later From watching him come home with medals and awards and seeing him struggle in other sports like football and baseball, I knew what I had to do and learned how to navigate. I overcame that fear, and I realize that sometimes it’s hard for me to do things on my own, but I can find the strength to do things if it concerns the well-being of my children.
