There’s really no rule book on how to love. We are all learning as we go.
But from my experience (and the experiences of many friends), I can tell you that some things should never happen in a real relationship.
A fantasy relationship is exactly what it sounds like: an unreal relationship. It’s just something you’re into and you go through the motions.
But there is no real connection, love or even a formal bond that keeps you together.
Do you think you might be stuck in a fantasy relationship? Check out these 9 warning signs that something isn’t real with the person you’re dating.
1) You don’t actually have a sign on things
“Let’s not put a label on things.”
“Let’s just see how it goes.”
“I’m not ready for a relationship right now, but I like you and I want to keep seeing you.”
These are all things said by someone who doesn’t see a relationship the same way you do.
“Not marking things” is something people do when they don’t want to commit to you.
Usually, it’s because they want to see other people, but they want to keep you around until they find someone “better.” Or because they feel lonely and you offer comfort, but you are not someone they want to find comfort in in the long term.
It’s heartbreaking, but it’s true. Because when you find a real person, nothing in their life will stop them from committing to you. They will have no problem at all calling you their girlfriend/boyfriend.
2) You are currently on a break
If you are constantly experiencing “breaks” in your relationship, or are experiencing them now, this is not a good sign.
In my experience, a breakup is a breakup.
One of my friends was dating a guy who recently told her he needed a break to “get himself in order.” He said not to wait for him, so she decided to wait for him.
When he started dating someone else a few months later, she was crushed.
For her, it was just a matter of stopping. For him, he was breaking up with her without him having to actually say the words.
If you’re not really together, or your relationship is in a cycle of ending and starting again, I think you already know that something is wrong.
3) You break up and get back together again
Sure, some couples break up and get back together — and everything works out better than it did before.
But I’ve certainly never known any that lasted that long.
If you keep breaking up and getting back together again, that’s a big mistake.
For me, I won’t break up with someone unless I’m serious.
Getting into a cycle of breaking up and getting back together with the same person is not a good cycle to be in.
It’s a sure sign that the relationship has reached its end — and neither of you really wants to let the other go (even though you know you should).
4) Don’t communicate constantly
Constant communication is important in a relationship. When you are with someone, it is very normal for you to talk to each other every day.
Some couples constantly talk via text when they are not together. Others rarely text but make time to see each other or talk on the phone daily.
This is completely normal behavior.
What is not normal behavior is to go days without talking to the person you are dating.
If they rarely respond to your texts or only contact you once or twice a week, it’s not a real relationship.
You are either in the very early stages of dating or you are not interested in each other.
5) You are waiting for them to commit
I had a friend who dated an older man who was still married (a red flag for obvious reasons). He wasn’t living with his wife, she knew that for a fact.
But he kept saying that the divorce was going through, and once it was over, he could commit to her fully – and they would finally be a “proper” couple.
She ended up dating him for two years waiting for this to happen. Understandably, she loved him and didn’t want to let him go.
But this non-committed relationship with a man who was still married wasn’t a real relationship. Being with him was a fantasy.
And if the person you’re dating won’t commit to you — whether it’s because he’s still married, waiting until he finishes college, is going through a rough patch, or because he’s “not ready for a relationship yet” — he needs to be cut loose.
Because they don’t commit — and the relationship you have with this person is (heartbreakingly) all in your head.
6) You love the person you used to be
People change and that’s just a normal part of life.
But it can be heartbreaking when someone you love moves away from you — especially when you’ve outgrown them.
When someone you love changes, they are likely no longer the person you fell in love with. This may be difficult to see.
My ex has changed significantly over the course of our six-year relationship. In the end, I often think about the person he was and fall in love with that version of him.
I wish we could go on dates like we used to. I will even try to recreate old memories in hopes that the old ones will come back.
But it didn’t happen. The sad truth is that I loved the person he used to be, not the person he is now.
It wasn’t a real relationship at that point. It’s over, and we haven’t come to terms with it yet.
7) You love them for their potential, not who they really are
I will never forget what my boyfriend said to me when I was going through a hard time with my ex. She said:
“You can’t stay with him because ‘someday’ he’ll be good again.”
And she couldn’t have been right.
Because staying in a bad relationship because “one day” they might treat you better again, or “one day things might go back to normal” is not right.
If things are not good now, the harsh (and perhaps pessimistic) truth is that things will never be good again.
And if you’re staying with them for their potential, not the person they are now, it’s not a relationship built on truth — it’s fantasy.
8) They treat you hot and cold
I hate to break it to you, but when someone is hot and cold with you all the time, they don’t really like you very much.
Yes, they may just be people with an avoidant attachment style (one who feels so overwhelmed by emotions that he sometimes shuts down completely).
But they probably aren’t that into you.
As someone who is truly in love, you don’t do that to someone you truly care about.
Your care for them does not suddenly stop the moment you go out with your friends or when you feel tired.
You always love them, no matter what happens in your life. Even when you’re in a bad mood, you don’t hate them one minute and love them the next.
If this is happening in your relationship, it’s not right.
9) Their love for you makes them feel physical
Another sign that you are in a fantasy relationship is if their love for you is physical.
You get the feeling that you’re ticking all their boxes about what the perfect person is for them – instead of actually being the perfect person for them.
Their love for you is based on a physical list of things they love about you.
Like your hair, your popularity status, your job, your income, your body shape, your last name, or anything else “physical” about you.
A friend of mine has a fairly famous father. Her ex kept breaking up with her but soon picked things up again.
She later found out that he kept going back with her because he wanted to be known as her father’s daughter’s boyfriend.
Not because he actually loved her or missed her. He just wanted the status that came from being associated with her.
If this is how you or your partner feels about you, then this is not a true relationship built on love.
finalthoughts
Dealing with a fantasy relationship is frustrating at the best of times. Realizing you’re in a fantasy relationship is even worse.
Because you know deep down that there is more to love and intimacy than what you have with this person.
But before you give up on love, I have one last suggestion.
It’s something I learned from world-famous shaman Rhoda Yande — and his words have stayed with me forever, helping me find the best (and truest) relationship of my life.
It taught me that the path to finding love and intimacy is not what we are culturally accustomed to believing.
