For some people, relationships are all about control.
That’s not a healthy way to look at it. Someone trying to control you in a relationship is almost always a sign of a relationship you shouldn’t be in. A healthy relationship requires that people give each other the freedom to be who they are and who they can become without trying to control or manipulate them.
And control doesn’t have to be yelling, screaming, or physically abusive to be considered manipulation. Another lever that a controlling partner often uses is guilt.
Feelings of guilt are normal for anyone who isn’t suffering from a major psychological disorder. At its best, guilt can motivate us to be better, more thoughtful, and more compassionate people.
But at its worst, guilt can make us feel incompetent, selfish, and unworthy.
This is exactly how some people use guilt to control the behavior of those around them.
Of course, when someone is trying to manipulate you, they don’t want you to know it. So, they’re often very subtle in the ways they use guilt to influence your behavior.
But be on the lookout for these signs that a guilt-ridden person is covert. If you notice them in your relationships, consider whether you’re being manipulated.
1) They keep reminding you of past mistakes
Making mistakes is part of being human. But for someone who’s experienced guilt, other people’s mistakes are just more ammunition they can use to control them.
“Guilt is a natural form of passive aggression that people resort to when they don’t have the skills or language to communicate their needs or feelings assertively,” says social worker and therapist Lisa Gold.
There are few better ways to make someone feel guilty than to remind them of past mistakes.
If you’re in a relationship with a guilt-ridden person, they’ll constantly remind you of anything you might have done wrong in the past. The goal here is to make you focus on your own mistakes so that you feel like a less competent, less capable, and less thoughtful person than you are.
Over time, this can make you feel like you can never do anything right for the guilt-tripper. They will never forget any wrong you’ve done, and they will constantly bring it up, especially during arguments, to make you feel bad and do what they want.
2) They’re Passive-Aggressive
Passive-aggressive communication is a way of trying to get what you want from someone without saying it outright.
“A passive-aggressive person may repeatedly claim that they’re not angry or that they’re okay—even when they’re angry and not okay,” writes psychologist Kendra Cherry.
“By denying what they’re feeling and refusing to open up emotionally, they shut down further communication and refuse to discuss the issue.”
Passive aggressive behavior includes:
- Saying they’ll do something, but then dragging their feet
- Giving you the silent treatment
- Complaining about things that others do when they’re complaining about you
- Checking out what they do for others versus what they get in return
Dealing with a passive-aggressive person can be extremely annoying because they don’t have—or don’t want to use—the communication skills needed to tell you what they need healthily. Instead, they rely on guilt to do the hard work for them.
3) Playing the Victim
A person who feels guilty is a perpetual victim. Playing the victim is more than just another manipulation tactic. It can be central to their view of themselves and the world.
People who use guilt like to focus on themselves and their feelings in any situation. So if something goes wrong, it’s a personal attack on them. If people can’t give them what they want, they see it as a sign of disrespect or hostility.
This is a trait you can notice in the way they talk about themselves and the things that have happened to them. Do they ever accept responsibility? Or is everything bad always someone else’s fault?
Guilt-ridden people want you to see them as a helpless victims of a cruel world. By gaining your sympathy, they make you more vulnerable to their manipulation.
4) They Make Things Conditional
Someone who is trying to manipulate you will often do nice things for you. But as with everything a manipulator does, they are not doing it for your benefit. They are doing it for themselves.
They may shower you with gifts. They may take you on expensive trips. They may do you favors, like running errands around the house, giving you rides, or whatever else you want them to do.
But they only do these things to use against you later.
As you can see, for a manipulator, helping others is just another way to control them.
And the next time they ask you to do something you don’t want to do, they’ll quickly mention all the times they’ve done something for you to try to make you feel guilty for getting you to do what they want.
5) They Use Emotional Blackmail
Guilt itself is a form of emotional blackmail. So perhaps it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise that people who use guilt often use other forms of emotional blackmail as well.
Emotional blackmail can include:
- Punishing someone for not doing what they want, including the silent treatment
- Nagging and getting upset when they don’t get what they want
- Offering rewards to encourage the behavior they want from you
- Threats
- Self-harm
No matter how it appears, emotional blackmail is extremely destructive in any relationship.
6) They compare you to others
Another way to make you feel guilty is to compare yourself to other people.
Of course, you’re always worse than anyone else in the mind of the person feeling guilt.
So they might point out how their friends are nicer to them, or how their ex used to treat them better than you.
RELATED:6 ways to shut down a manipulator without losing your cool
They might also practice what psychologists call triangulation. This involves getting someone else to agree with your supposed bad behavior, such as a mutual friend or family member.
The goal is to make you feel inferior and like you haven’t lived up to their expectations in the relationship.
7) They Lie
If someone is willing to use guilt to control you, don’t be surprised if they’re also willing to lie.
Sometimes, their lies involve twisting the truth. They might exaggerate your past bad behavior or change the details of something that happened to make it seem like you acted worse than you did.
Other times, they might lie outright. They’ll lie about their behavior, their intentions, or things that happened in the past, all to make you feel bad and give in to their demands.
In its extreme form, this can turn into manipulation, an attempt to make the victim doubt their memory and even their sanity. When that happens, make no mistake: you’re a victim of emotional abuse.
8) Nagging
Nagging is a very common way that people with guilt use to get what they want.
After all, you’re supposed to be in a relationship with someone because you love them. And if you love them, you want them to be happy.
When people we care about are suffering, we feel bad. And often, we feel like we’d do almost anything to make them happy again.
People with guilt use this positive trait to control them.
Sometimes, they may be upset with you, but they’ll exaggerate their actions to make sure you notice. Other times, they may not be upset at all, but they’ll act like they are.
They’ll whine like a child. They may whine, slam doors, or give you the silent treatment until you give in and do what they want.
9) They Keep Reminding You of Everything They’ve Done for You
This is something people with guilt love to do.
They’ll draw attention to everything they’ve done for you in the past, or all the sacrifices they’ve made. Again, the goal is to make you feel bad and give in to what they want.
In a healthy relationship, you should want the best for each other. This should motivate you to do things for each other without strings attached.
To someone who feels guilty, everything is a transaction. The nice things they do for you are just another way to make you feel bad and control your behavior.
Dealing with Someone Who Feels Guilt
Guilt can be powerful. People who feel guilty know this, which is why they use it to try to get people to do what they want.
The first step to dealing with someone who makes you feel guilty is to recognize their behavior for what it is. Because when you know that someone is trying to control you through guilt, it is much easier to stay strong and resist their manipulation.
