Raising a child after divorce is rarely an easy task, especially when your ex is toxic. Here are some tips for co-parenting when dealing with a difficult ex!
As hard as divorce is, parenting can be even more challenging. And parenting with a difficult ex-boyfriend might make you want to ride with Thelma and Louise.
The drama, the madness industry, the accusations and bad talk, the manipulation, the constant pushing of boundaries.
Parenting with a difficult ex can be very frustrating.
How do you keep your sanity and ensure that your children have access to at least one “adult” parent?
You know that good parenting means that you put the kids first. But there’s only so much you can do if you’re co-parenting with your tough ex.
Related: How To Fall Out Of Love With Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back
What if your ex was a narcissist or toxic person?
How can you make a joint effort with someone who is unable to prioritize anyone else?
Co-parenting strategies with a difficult ex-boyfriend all have two non-negotiables at their core.
The first is the highest good for your children. The second is to maintain your personal integrity and sanity.
If you can keep these commitments in focus at all times, you will more easily navigate your ex’s efforts to get you off the track.
Related: How To Speak Your Partner’s Love Language and Strengthen Your Relationship
Power struggles are often at the heart of why couples divorce.
When it comes to co-parenting, however, there is no room for ranking.
If your ex is in control, you will have to decide if you can be a parent without a power struggle.
Many of the strategies for co-parenting with your difficult ex are the same as those for co-parenting without a power struggle.
9 Tips for co-parenting with a tough example
- Accept what you cannot change. Control what you can.
You will never be able to change one of your parents. No matter how much change he needs (in your opinion), that business belongs to your ex.
What you can and should control are your life and your reactions.
If you co-parent with a difficult ex, you know your buttons are going to be pushed. You will need a steady temper and composure to maintain your commitment to better parenting.
- Learn about the dynamic and how you play.
How does the interaction with your ex go from 0 to 90 in the context of breathing? Are there recognizable patterns in your communications? Do you have concerns about being raised? Are these fears based on reality and logic?
What can you do to interrupt an unhealthy dynamic and direct it in a direction that empowers and protects you?
Remember, children, your safety, and your sanity are not negotiable. And the only person you can control is yourself.
Related: A Secret Code Word for Couples During Conflict
- Set new boundaries.
Again, this is really about you and how you will be involved (or not) with your ex.
Do not allow bait. Eliminate defensive and emotional reactions. Set time parameters to communicate, and be by her side.
9 tips for co-parenting with your ex-girlfriend
Parenting tips with a controlling ex
Restrict means of communication – eg, no texting, but email and parenting portal only. (Talking to Parents is a free option for avoiding conflicts and for closer communication between parents.)
You may also want to consider blocking your ex from your social media.
It will be up to you to stand by your limits when your ex challenges your resolve.
- Don’t respond right away.
A lot of the co-parenting with your difficult ex has to do with not being engaged. Of course, you will have to get involved on behalf of your children. But you have the power and the right to choose when and how you participate.
If your ex says or writes something that causes an immediate dump of adrenaline into your system, take a breath and step back. Do your “reaction” in your mind or in venting with a friend. Do the “response” once you are calm.
Sleep on your response. Choose an actionable “delay time” to respond to anything other than an emergency. You are not on the call with your ex.
- Don’t respond to everything.
It doesn’t mean just because your dad is pushing buttons to get you to get involved.
Stay focused on the topic of co-parenting: It’s not about eliminating an unfinished marital rift or belittling each other.
Respond to communication regarding children. Leave the rest…or add it to a happy hour catharsis session with a trusted friend.
- Business is business.
Co-parenting with your difficult ex may require you to keep your communication like business, matter-of-fact, and matter-of-fact.
Focus on the children and their needs.
The fantasy of joint vacations with exes is best left to Hollywood and the rare exception to the rule.
Related: Waiting For Your Happily Ever After? Here’s What You Need To Do
- Document.
You don’t have to announce it. Just do it calmly and consistently. Keep a dedicated journal documenting dates, times, communication, breaches of agreements, support payments, etc.
The information is available for your eyes only – even if and when you need it legally. Having evidence can save a lot of arguments when things turn into “he said, she said.”
- Consideration of a court order.
If your ex is constantly navigating through conventions and boundaries, you may want to consider filing a court order.
You can talk with your attorney about your options for modifying your parenting plan so that co-parenting works better.
- Evaluate whether co-parenting is possible.
If your efforts at healthy parenting are ending in chaos and distress, you may want to consider parallel parenting. (This is especially true if your ex is a narcissist or keeps you away from your children through power games, parenting may be the only option.)
How does the parenting arrangement affect your children? your mind?
Your ability to stay in integrity without being maddened by your ex?
If you’ve been putting off your end of the bargain but your ex is constantly being undermined or derailed, it might be time to consider a new arrangement for the sake of your kids and your sanity.
Related: The Invisible Thread Between Two People Who Are Meant to Be Together
Co-parenting with a difficult ex makes an already traumatic journey even more excruciating.
9 Tips for parenting with your difficult ex-girlfriend
Parenting tips: Involved parenting with toxic examples
In the ideal divorce, both parents rise to the task of raising the children they love with reliability and maturity.
But life does not take place with balanced measures.
