The way you were raised affects your behavior in adulthood, for better or worse.
As anyone who has had a dysfunctional childhood can confirm, these early experiences leave lasting emotional scars.
They often shape your perceptions and relationships with adults in ways that are difficult to fully understand.
Here are 9 things in life that only people from toxic families understand, according to psychology.
Your coming-of-age story doesn’t have to define who you become.
1) Living in constant tension
Belonging to a toxic family can mean living in a constant state of stress, not knowing when the next conflict will occur.
Psychologists suggest that toxic family members may be addicted to drama.
As a result, they tend to overreact emotionally and have tantrums, in public or private.
Growing up in such a volatile environment is like navigating a minefield where every step is fraught with potential danger.
From the moment you wake up until you go to sleep, there is a palpable sense of tension, like a looming storm.
You’re forced to rally around your fragile ego, and you never know when a seemingly innocuous comment will ignite a firestorm.
It is a state of alertness that is difficult to shake even after leaving the house.
2) Feeling like you are in an emotional spiral
Toxic family members aren’t always about to explode.
Sometimes, they seem calm, loving and gentle. Right before they give in to their less attractive tendencies, without warning.
This is exactly what makes you feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster.
Just when you think you’re safe, the explosion sends you back into the zone of hypervigilance.
These rapid shifts in mood create a feeling of instability.
Children who grow up never knowing what to expect can become anxious, constantly preparing for the next emotional attack.
Over time, you internalize the chaos, believing that this turbulent existence is a normal part of family life.
3) Caring for others
Children in toxic families may find themselves in roles usually reserved for adults, such as caregivers or mediators.
This forces them to grow up too quickly, robbing them of their childhood and innocence.
According to psychology, if you have to play the role of caretaker from early on, you risk tying your identity to doing things for others.
Although it’s nice to help, if you do it too much you’ll turn into a people-pleaser, lacking in healthy boundaries and keeping your needs in mind.
Your self-esteem is also affected, especially if you begin to believe that you only deserve love and respect if you can help.
This brings us to the next point on the list.
4) He suffers from low self-esteem
People who grew up in toxic families often struggle with self-esteem as adults.
If you had to deal with criticism and invalidation growing up, the same people who were supposed to offer you unconditional love made you feel like you didn’t deserve it.
Once you convince yourself of this, it becomes difficult to shake this belief.
You may find yourself plagued by feelings of inferiority and shame, even in situations where you are objectively successful.
So, you should set higher goals and talk down to yourself if you fail to achieve them.
5) Strive for perfection
Speaking of lofty goals, people who come from toxic families can grow up chasing perfection.
I had a happy childhood, but we struggled financially, and my parents worked long hours to make ends meet.
I didn’t want to add to their burdens, so I decided from an early age that I would be a good girl to make them proud and give them peace of mind.
I focused on school and rarely got into trouble. Every time they praised my accomplishments, I felt good about contributing to the well-being of our family.
the negative side?
My parents weren’t used to messing with me. They treated my mistakes as kinks in the fabric of the world, rather than normal parts of life, and sometimes they exaggerated them.
So, I grew up strongly believing that mistakes should be avoided at all costs and that striving for perfection is the rule rather than the exception.
I eventually rebelled during my teenage years, but this belief was already ingrained in me, and it’s something I still struggle with today.
The drive for perfection can also stem from the need to gain approval or avoid criticism in a toxic family environment.
In the long term, it causes chronic stress and dissatisfaction with your life.
6) Suppress your emotions
Emotionally oppressive childhood environments make it difficult for individuals to express their feelings openly later.
Psychologists point out that suppressing emotions is a common coping strategy used by people who come from toxic families.
Children learn that expressing their feelings can lead to neglect, or worse, violence and shame.
So they repress it, making it more difficult to build meaningful relationships in adulthood.
Individuals from toxic families often struggle to express their needs and concerns, leading to misunderstanding and frustration for those around them.
After all, how can you get close to someone if you can’t tell them how you feel?
7) Develop (unhealthy) coping mechanisms.
Growing up in a dysfunctional environment can cause you to develop other coping mechanisms as well:
Self-isolation (completely withdrawing from social interactions as a way to protect yourself from further emotional pain)
Substance abuse (using drugs or alcohol to numb emotional pain or cope with stress)
Self-harm (engaging in self-harm behaviors in an attempt to cope with overwhelming feelings or gain a sense of control)
Emotional eating (food can become a source of comfort or a distraction from emotional distress)
Escapism (excessive screen time or daydreaming as a way to escape the reality of dysfunctional family life)
Unfortunately, none of these coping mechanisms are healthy.
The sooner you treat it, the sooner you can replace it with better alternatives.
8) Fear of conflict
Conflict avoidance becomes a prevalent behavior in toxic families, as children learn to fear confrontation and the potential escalation of tension within the family.
Growing up in an environment where minor disagreements turn into explosive conflicts may instill a deep fear of confrontation.
Children associate assertiveness with permanent, dire consequences, so they make avoiding conflict their survival strategy.
They don’t know how to deal with it in a healthy way, which proves to be a problem later in life.
The long-term consequences of conflict avoidance can be profound and continue into adulthood.
If you come from a dysfunctional environment, you may find it difficult to set and enforce boundaries in your relationships.
Your fear of conflict leaves you stuck in codependent or one-sided relationships where your well-being takes a back seat.
9) Feeling isolated
According to psychology, people who come from toxic families can feel isolated.
Despite being surrounded by their families, they felt misunderstood rather than supported.
Looking back, it’s easy to see why:
Emotional bonds between toxic family members are strained or nonexistent
Communication is superficial or transactional
Thoughts, feelings, and needs are rejected or invalidated
You find yourself unable to communicate or connect with the people who are supposed to be closest to you
Without a safe space to express themselves openly, people who live in dysfunctional environments grow up feeling disconnected from others.
They don’t feel like they belong – a feeling that can continue to weigh them down as they get older.
