These days narcissism has become a dirty word. People stay away from people who take selfies and who overshare them.
Nowadays, it’s all about looking outwardly with understanding, not getting sucked into thigh gaps and contouring. The focus is on empathy, helping those who have nothing, caring for the environment, and protecting the world we live in.
This does not mean that narcissists no longer exist. While the antics of the overt narcissist may have become decidedly distasteful, the covert narcissist has subtly replaced it. So how do you spot one? You have to listen to what the covert narcissists have to say.
Before I talk about the covert things narcissists say, it is important to understand that there is no difference between the overt and covert things narcissists think.
Both overt and covert narcissists have the same sense of entitlement, grandiose sense of self, desire for admiration, and tendency to exaggerate their accomplishments and believe them to be special.
The way they act varies.
The outspoken narcissist is loud, articulate, and larger than life. The covert narcissist is the opposite.
Here are 9 secret things narcissists say
- “Nobody knows what I’ve been through.”
Although covert narcissists feel entitled, they also feel incompetent. This feeling of inadequacy can lead to resentment, feeling victimized, or both.
This type of narcissism arises from a place where it is lacking. The narcissist finds comfort in being a victim but then grows to envy his victim status. They need others to understand that their suffering is worse than anyone else can imagine.
- “I didn’t say that, you must be wrong.”
Gaslighting is the ideal technique because it is subtle and the victim does not realize what is happening until it is too late. Covert narcissists love to be manipulated because once their victims are confused they are easier to manipulate.
Whether it is to undermine someone, get money from them, ruin a relationship or play mind games with them, gaslighting is a perfect tool.
- “I’m better off on my own, and I can’t depend on anyone.”
All narcissists need and want relationships, but because covert narcissism is so subtle, it is hard to pinpoint.
Covert narcissists are consumed with their own well-being. They have nothing to offer their partner, so they tend to quickly end the relationship. Then, they present themselves as tough and stoic, destined to be alone.
- “It was nothing.”
You will find that a covert narcissist will deflect any compliments with self-deprecating comments.
“What is this old thing? I’ve had it for years!” “Class A+ in Advanced Quantum Physics? The questions were easy!”
Comments like this are among the typical things narcissists say.
There are two reasons for this; The first is that downplaying their accomplishments makes them look better, and the second is that you should naturally reassure them. It’s a win-win situation.
Knowledgeable people accept courtesy and move on.
- “If someone had believed in me, I wouldn’t stand a chance.”
Poor me, poor me. I imagine this is what covert narcissists chant every night before bed. It’s about being a victim again.
Covert narcissists believe they are special and because of their upbringing and circumstances and the family they were born into, you name it, and that is why they never made it.
They are the ones who should have gone to college, or the ones whose parents didn’t buy them a car, or the ones who were bullied at school and struggled academically because of it. The common theme here is “woe is mine,” never their fault.
- “I can’t, I’m too busy.”
Covert narcissists can subtly brag to friends and family how important it is to pretend they are busy in one way. If you call or text and the other person is busy all the time, you’ll start to feel like they have to be doing something really important.
You get to the stage where you don’t want to disturb them anymore. They are pushed off their feet and you have to be careful not to interrupt them. Chances are they are bored and do nothing, just like the rest of us!
I remember a co-worker from years ago, we both worked in a pub kitchen. She told me once:
“I wish I had one job like you. I do two shifts here a day, and then I got my cleaning job and I’m studying on top of that.”
She didn’t know anything about me, only that I worked her lunchtime shift.
- “I wish I had the opportunities that you have.”
On the surface, this sounds like a compliment, but believe me, it’s not. Narcissists are paralyzed by intense jealousy, but they will try to hide it.
However, eventually, their bitterness spilled out. But they’ll wrap this wicked bile in sweet paper so badly that we hope you don’t realize the malice behind the comment.
- “No one has gone through as much as I have.”
Have you ever met someone who no matter how traumatic you were, experienced it a thousand times over? Did I feel like saying it’s not a competition? This is an example of traumatic compassion or grief gathering together to evoke empathy.
The covert narcissist tends to think on the negative side of things. It’s always about what they went through, how it affected them, and how terrible it was for them. They cannot understand that other people are also having a hard time.
Kenneth Levy, director of the Personality, Psychopathology, and Psychotherapy Research Laboratory at The Penn State University
- “I will show you all, though everyone is against me, I will get what I deserve.”
Finally, one way you can spot a covert narcissist is to watch for signs of unexplained paranoia. Covert narcissists are almost always out of luck, or they think someone is out to catch them. Nothing is under their control, so they may not even bother trying.
