When we talk about breakups and divorce, the most common reasons we think of are the big things, right? Cheating, lying, abuse…
But did you know that certain hidden habits are just as destructive as infidelity and abuse?
The truth is, sometimes they’re so subtle that we barely notice them creeping into our relationships. Not until it’s too late and the cracks we didn’t notice have turned into a huge, widening chasm.
In this article, I’ll discuss nine hidden habits that psychologists say can sabotage a relationship. I hope they’ll lead you to examine your relationships and figure out what needs to change.
Let’s dive in!
1) Failing to Communicate Openly
Let’s start with one of the cornerstones of healthy relationships—communication.
It’s well-known that we need to talk about our problems before they escalate. No shortage of research points to the importance of this.
It’s one of those concepts that seems simple in theory.
But in practice? That’s a different story. Many of us just don’t do it.
There are many reasons why we fail at open communication, such as:
- Fear of rejection or judgment
- Conflict avoidance
- Different communication styles
- Lack of emotional awareness
- Lack of communication skills
- Different social/cultural backgrounds
- Poor listening skills
It’s a longer list than this, which leads me to say this very truth – people are complicated!
That’s why, despite our best intentions, these differences can sabotage our relationships.
2) Conflict avoidance
If you look at the list above, you’ll see this habit as one of the reasons why we fail at communication.
I used to think that a lack of conflict was a sign of a healthy relationship.
No disagreements = absolute peace and harmony, right?
Wrong.
Because that sense of peace can be false. You may not have disagreements, but I’m willing to bet that you have one issue after another building up inside you, just waiting to explode.
Take it from Joseph Grenny, author of Crucial Conversations – sweeping problems under the rug never makes them go away. According to him, “The biggest mistake couples make is avoiding it.”
And you know what? Oddly enough, couples who argue are the ones who have the best chance of staying together.
A study in the journal Family Process found that couples who argue regularly are 10 times more likely to have a good marriage than those who sweep it under the rug.
So take that advice and talk respectfully. Confrontation isn’t my favorite thing either, but I’ve learned that sometimes it’s necessary.
3) Make Assumptions
You know what they say about assumptions—they make us “fools.”
Psychologists agree. Well, maybe not in those exact terms.
However, they do stress that assuming your partner’s feelings or intentions can lead to unnecessary conflict.
Real Talk—We may know our partners inside and out, but the fact remains that we don’t know everything that goes on in their minds. They can’t read our minds.
For example, I’m the type of person who celebrates birthdays in a very particular way. That’s how I was raised.
Meanwhile, my husband is the opposite. His family acknowledges birthdays, but they don’t make a big deal out of it.
So, in our first year together, when my birthday came around, I was expecting, you know, more. (Okay, I admit, I was expecting a surprise party.)
But what he did was cook me dinner and write me a sweet note. It was thoughtful, but again, I admit, this thought crossed my mind:
“Is this him? Does he love me?”
Eventually, we talked about it and I understood where he was coming from. Which brings me back to my earlier point that there’s a lot we don’t know about our partners, even if we know them better than most people do.
[Side note: I later learned that his love language is acts of service (especially food) — so a home-cooked dinner was a great act of love!]
4) Ignore the Small Stuff
The story I shared with you reminds me of this other important habit — never take your partner for granted.
See, that’s what I did when I failed to appreciate my husband’s dinner and thoughtful note. They may be small things, but for him, they were huge.
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Research studies show that gratitude and appreciation add significantly to relationship satisfaction.
It states: “People who value their partners more report being more responsive to their partners’ needs, are more committed, and are more likely to stay in their relationships over time.”
So, don’t forget to look at the everyday, ordinary things your partner does for you. Acts of kindness like these can keep the spark alive!
You know what he doesn’t do?
5) Scoring
Show me a relationship where there’s a fake scoreboard, and I’m pretty sure that relationship won’t last.
I’m talking about the tit-for-tat mentality — you do something nice for your partner, and then you expect something in return.
Or you score points against them.
“I took the kids to school twice this week.”
“Yeah, but I took them four times last week!”
“Well, I did laundry three times this month!”
Notice how that quickly turned into a resentment-filled contest?
You see, according to psychologists, scoring has no place in relationships.
Couples need to work as a team — making arrangements, but allowing each other to forgive when each of you fails to do your part from time to time.
6) Overly critical
Second to the point above is the habit of overly critical.
I mean, it doesn’t take a psychologist to point out that too much criticism can erode trust and respect between you.
However, here’s what relationship experts Dr. John and Julie Gottman have to say about it:
“Criticism and complaints tend to focus on specific issues, whereas criticism is about attacking your partner’s character and who they are.”
See the difference? It’s perfectly normal to want your partner to improve, so it’s okay to voice your concerns or offer points for improvement from time to time.
But constant criticism? That means you want to improve to “you’re not good enough.”
7) Holding on to past mistakes
Another subtle habit that sabotages relationships is refusing to let go of past mistakes.
I say subtle because it only comes up from time to time. You might be having a perfectly innocent discussion about calling a house painter, and then suddenly you say…
“Maybe you put it on your calendar? You might forget, just like you forgot our anniversary.”
We’ve all been guilty of this at one point or another, but psychologists say holding onto grudges can be a form of emotional abuse.
Once you’ve talked about an issue, let it go. It shouldn’t have any place in your relationship, or it won’t move forward.
8) Neglecting Self-Care
When you’re one half of a couple, it’s natural to want to make your partner happy. But – don’t forget about yourself, either.
Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you should:
- Over-focus on your partner
- Lose touch with your hobbies and interests
- Stop exercising your individuality
- Neglect time and personal space when you need it
- In fact, according to Cindy Norton of AVL Couples Therapy, a lack of self-care can affect intimate relationships.
“We tend to take on the moods of those around us; So if you’re tired, stressed, and overwhelmed, your relationship will suffer.
Think about it – if we’re not happy with ourselves, how can we be happy with someone else?
9) Over-reliance on technology
Finally, we come to a habit that many of us have become addicted to – overuse of technology.
GoodTherapy talks about how technology adds to the stress of modern relationships.
A 2014 Pew Research Center survey found that one in four people in a relationship felt their partner was too distracted by their phone.
And about 8% of them have argued with their partner about spending too much time on their phone.
No doubt being glued to our phones is hindering intimacy.
It made me rethink my phone habits, and I hope it does the same for you.
It can work if you’re intentional about it. Set up tech-free zones and times and go do offline activities like taking a walk together or playing board games.
Or just do what our parents or grandparents did—have a good old-fashioned conversation!
Final Thoughts
I know it takes a lot of effort, but being aware of these subtle habits can make a huge difference in your relationship.
Just because you’ve been together for a long time doesn’t mean you can give up on attention and care. Just like a garden, relationships require constant nurturing to thrive.
