When we talk about separation and divorce, the most common reasons we think of are the big things, right? Cheating, lying and abuse…

But did you know that there are some hidden habits that are no less harmful than infidelity and abuse?

The problem is that sometimes it’s so subtle that we barely notice it creeping into our relationships. Not until it was too late and the cracks that we did not notice turned into huge and wide gaps.

In this article, I’ll discuss nine of those hidden habits that psychologists say can sabotage a relationship. I hope they can lead you to examine your own relationships and see what needs to change.

Let’s dive in!

1) Not communicating openly
Let’s start with one of the cornerstones of healthy relationships – communication.

It is known that we need to talk about our problems so that they do not get worse. There is no shortage of research studies pointing to its importance.

It’s one of those concepts that seems simple in theory.

But in practice? This is something different. Many of us don’t.

There are many reasons why we fail at open communication, such as:

• Fear of rejection or judgment
• Avoid conflict
• Difference in communication styles
• Lack of emotional awareness
• Lack of communication skills
• Different social and cultural backgrounds
• Poor listening skills

It’s actually a longer list than this, which leads me to state this very truth – people are complicated!

That’s why, despite our best intentions, these differences can sabotage our relationships.

2) Avoid conflicts
If you look at the list above, you will see that this habit is one of the reasons for failure to communicate.

I used to think that a lack of conflict was a sign of a healthy relationship.

No arguments = absolute peace and harmony, right?

mistake.

Because this feeling of peace can be false. You may not have any arguments but I’m willing to bet that you have one problem after another building up inside of you waiting to explode.

Take this advice from Joseph Greaney, author of Crucial Conversations — sweeping issues under the rug never makes them go away. According to him, “The biggest mistake couples make is avoidance.”

And you know what? Oddly enough, the couples who argue are the ones who have the best chance of staying together.

One study published in the journal Family Process found that couples who argue regularly are 10 times more likely to have a good marriage than those who work it under the rug.

So, take this advice and speak respectfully. Confrontation isn’t my favorite thing either, but I’ve learned that sometimes it’s necessary.

3) Make assumptions
You know what they say about assumptions, they make fun of you and me.

Psychologists agree. Well, maybe not in those exact terms.

But they stress that making assumptions about your partner’s feelings or intentions can lead to unnecessary conflict.

Real talk – we may know our partners inside and out, but the fact remains that we don’t know everything that’s on their minds. They cannot read our books.

For example, I’m the type of person who celebrates birthdays in a very special way. That’s how I grew up.

Meanwhile, my husband is the opposite. His family acknowledges his birthdays, but doesn’t make a big deal out of it.

So, in our first year together, when my birthday approached, I expected a little more. (Okay, I admit, I was expecting a surprise party.)

But what he did was cook me dinner and write me a lovely letter. It was really thoughtful, but again, I admit, this thought ran through my head:

“Is this it? Does he really love me?”

Eventually, we talked about it and I saw where he was coming from. Which brings me back to my earlier point that there is still a lot we don’t know about our partners, even if we already know them better than other people.

[Side note: I later learned that his love language is acts of service (especially those related to food) – so homemade dinner was actually the ultimate act of love!]

4) Ignore the little things

This story I shared with you reminds me of another important habit – don’t take your partner too seriously.

See, that’s what I did when I failed to appreciate my husband’s thoughtful dinner and message. They may be small things, but to him they were truly huge.

Research studies show that gratitude and appreciation significantly increase relationship satisfaction.

They state: “People who value their partners more say they are more responsive to their partners’ needs, more committed and more likely to stay in their relationships over time.”

So, don’t forget to take a look at the mundane, everyday things your partner does for you. These acts of kindness can keep the spark alive!

You know what not?

5) Save the result
Show me a relationship where there’s a fantasy scoreboard, and I’m almost certain that relationship won’t last long.

I’m talking about the eye-for-an-eye mentality, you do something nice for your partner, and then expect something in return.

Or you can score points against them.

“I’ve taken the kids to school twice this week.”

“Yes, but I’ve had it four times in the last week!”

“Well, I’ve done laundry three times this month!”

Have you noticed how quickly this turns into a resentment-filled contest?

You see, according to psychologists, keeping score has no room in relationships.

Couples need to work as a team – working on arrangements, but allowing each other grace when you fail to hold up your end from time to time.

6) Too much criticism
Second to the point above, is the habit of over-criticism.

I mean, you don’t need a psychologist to point out that too much criticism can erode the trust and respect you have for each other.

Still, that’s what relationship experts Dr. John and Julie Gottman have this to say about it:

“Criticisms and complaints tend to be about specific issues, while criticisms are about attacking your partner’s character and who they are.”

See the difference? It’s completely normal to want to improve your partner, so it’s okay to express your concerns or offer points for improvement from time to time.

But constant criticism? This goes from “I want you to get better” to “You’re not enough.”

7) Holding on to past mistakes
Another hidden habit that destroys relationships is the refusal to let go of past mistakes.

I say it’s subtle because it appears every now and then. You might be having a perfectly innocent discussion about calling a house painter, and then suddenly say…

“Maybe put it on your calendar? You might forget like I forgot our anniversary.”

We’ve probably all been guilty of this at one time or another, but psychologists say that holding a grudge can be a form of emotional abuse.

Once you talk about a problem, let it go. There should be no room in your relationship, otherwise you won’t move forward.

8) Neglecting self-care

When we’re half of a couple, it’s natural to want to make your partner happy. But – don’t forget yourself too.

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to:

• Excessive focus on your partner
• You lose touch with your hobbies and interests
• Stop practicing your individuality
• Neglecting time and personal space when you need it

In fact, according to Cindy Norton of AVL Couples Therapy, a lack of self-care affects intimate relationships.

She says: “We tend to be affected by the moods of those around us; So, if you are both tired, stressed, and stressed, your relationship will suffer.

Think about it – if we are not happy with ourselves, how can we be happy with someone else?

9) Over-reliance on technology
Finally, we come to a habit that many of us have become addicted to, which is the overuse of technology.

GoodTherapy talks about how technologies are adding to the stress of modern relationships.

A 2014 Pew Research Center poll found that one in four people in a relationship felt their partner was too distracted by their phone.

Nearly 8% of them argued with their partners about spending too much time on their phones.

There’s no two ways about it — being glued to our phones gets in the way of intimacy.

This made me rethink my phone habits, and I hope it does the same for you.

What might work is to be intentional about it. Establish technology-free zones and times and engage in offline activities like walking together or playing board games.

Or just do as our parents or grandparents did – enjoy a good old-fashioned conversation!

finalthoughts

I know it’s a lot to take in, but being aware of these subtle habits can make a huge difference in your relationship.