When I first started my career in finance, I had a colleague, let’s call him John. John was charming, intelligent, and always the center of attention. At first, I was impressed by his confidence.
But then, things started to feel off. He had this talent for saying things that sounded like praise but left me guessing myself.
It wasn’t until I learned about the concept of covert narcissism that I clicked on all of them.
Have you ever left a conversation feeling inexplicably unbalanced, as if you had been subtly undermined but couldn’t figure out how?
Perhaps it is this friend who always leaves you doubting your achievements or a partner whose compliments never sound like compliments.
It’s not always loud and clear when someone manipulates you, especially at first. But it’s important to detect it early, or it can wreak havoc on our self-worth.
With this in mind, today, we dive into nine phrases commonly used by covert narcissists.
Let’s get to him.
1 )”You are very sensitive”
Imagine this: you are discussing with someone, maybe a friend, colleague, or partner. You express how something they said or hurt your feelings. Instead of admitting your feelings, they responded by saying: “you are too sensitive.”Sounds familiar?
This phrase is a classic move in the secret narcissist playbook. By calling you” too sensitive, ” they not only reject your feelings; they subtly shift the blame to you.
It’s a clever way of saying that the problem is not their behavior but your reaction to it.
The danger here is subtle but deep. It’s easy to start thinking that we are already very sensitive. This can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth and the inability to trust our feelings and instincts.
However, your feelings are true, and expressing them does not make you weak or hypersensitive. It makes you human.
This phrase is very insulting and difficult to deal with, but perhaps the next one will be even more.
2 )” I was just kidding”
I remember a time, back in my financial days, when my then-boss made a sarcastic comment about presentation skills in front of the whole team. It wasn’t the first time.
I felt embarrassed as always, and later when I worked up the courage to confront him, he ignored it with a laugh and said, “I was just kidding.”That moment stayed with me. It wasn’t just an embarrassment; it was the way he made me feel like I couldn’t take a joke.
This type of behavior is a classic example of passive-aggressive manipulation. Covert narcissists often use humor as a disguise for criticism. It is a way to belittle and degrade us, all while maintaining the image of innocence.
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If we call them, they turn around and accuse us of overreacting.
A joke is funny only if everyone is laughing. If humor constantly comes at your expense and leaves you feeling small, it’s not a joke—it’s a subtle form of manipulation.
3) “You know what you should have done…”
Here’s another classic story, “You know what you should have done…”.
Narcissists use this person to subtly criticize decisions and actions while positioning themselves as wiser or knowledgeable. It’s a way of undermining our choices and instilling doubt about our judgment.
However, it is important to remember that everyone’s perspective is unique, and what may seem to be the right choice for one person may not be the same for another. Your decisions are based on your experiences, knowledge, and intuition, and they are valid.
Not only that, we all know that “hindsight is 20/20” or at least closer to 20/20! It’s easy to say what we should have done when it’s already been passed.
If you hear this phrase, take a moment to think about whether these comments were constructive or if they were simply used to undermine your self-confidence. The advice can be valuable, but it is also important to trust your judgment and not let the criticism of others too late reduce your confidence in making decisions.
4) “This reminds me of the time when Insert [Insert humble brag]”
Think of a time when I shared something I was proud of or excited about, and the response I got was, “This reminds me of the time I
I experienced this with a colleague. Whenever you share an achievement, his response will start with a seemingly supportive comment, soon followed by the story of his achievements.
This is a classic narcissistic manipulation.
This tactic serves several purposes. First, it reduces your experiences or achievements, making them seem less important. Secondly, it redirects attention and admiration to the narcissist. It’s a way to keep the spotlight firmly on themselves.
The element of modest boasting is especially insidious because it is covered with false modesty. It gives the impression that they are just sharing, but the real intention is to outdo or scrutinize your story.
Recognizing this pattern is important. It’s not about denying other people’s achievements, it’s about understanding when to use this behavior to downplay your experiences and keep the focus on the narcissist.
5) “Back in the day, you think that, too.”
The phrase” once a day, I used to think so, too, ” or similar is a subtle form of condescension that covert narcissists regularly use.
As you probably guessed, it is designed to undermine your current attitude or feelings by indicating that it is a sign of inexperience or naivety and that the speaker has since evolved beyond that point.
This phrase and others like it belittle our current point of view and indirectly praise the speaker’s own ‘advanced ‘ understanding. It’s a way of saying that your views are immature and that you will eventually outgrow them, just as it is supposed to.
However, everyone’s journey and perspective are valid, regardless of their level of experience. Feelings and opinions are not necessarily related to how experienced someone is; they are shaped by a myriad of factors and personal experiences.
Also, keep in mind that narcissists are often expert liars; when they say this, there is a good chance that this is not true.
6) “I’m just trying to help you”
Can you remember a time when someone gave you ‘help’ that felt more like an imposition or a way to undermine your abilities?
When I was in my early twenties, a relative was constantly giving me unsolicited advice on my career despite being in a completely different industry. When I expressed that I felt able to make my own decisions, he would reply, “I’m just trying to help you.”It made me wonder if I was being overly defensive or not appreciating his concern.’
Here’s the problem: when someone repeatedly uses the phrase” I’m just trying to help you ” as a reaction to your resistance or annoyance, it’s often a way to hide arrogant or controlling behavior. It turns the situation around, positioning them as a benevolent personality and you are the one rejecting their goodwill.
But real help is different. It respects boundaries and is presented in response to your needs and requests, it is not imposed based on what someone else thinks is best for you. If you often hear this phrase, especially when you do not ask for help or express that it is not needed, then this is a red flag.
7) “You won’t understand”
The phrase “you won’t understand” is often used as a subtle form of exclusion and belittling. It’s a way for covert narcissists to position themselves as superior or more enlightened, which means you lack the ability or insight to understand what they’re talking about.
But here’s what happens: by saying” you won’t understand, ” they avoid having to justify or discuss their actions. It’s not a reflection of your understanding or intelligence; it’s a tactic to keep you at arm’s length and prevent scrutiny.
Almost everyone can understand complex situations, given the correct interpretation and context. Telling you that you will not understand is not a reflection of your abilities but a manipulation tactic to undermine your self-confidence and keep you in the dark.
And most often it comes with this next.
8) “You will eventually learn that…”
My colleague, who I mentioned at the beginning of this post was a big fan of this one. When I was sharing my opinion, I often rejected it, ” I understand your point of view, but you will eventually learn that I am right,”.
The phrase seeks to undermine our confidence in our beliefs and decisions. It positions the speaker as wiser or more experienced, suggesting that our understanding will eventually align with theirs, invalidating our current perspective.
But the truth is that our views may not align in the end. In fact, in my experience, they probably won’t. Over time, my views drifted more than the opinions of the colleague in this example.
Don’t let caring phrases like these undermine your self-confidence and growth.
9)”You just don’t get it”
Disagreement or different points of view is normal in any conversation. However, using the phrase “you don’t understand” as a blanket statement to reject someone’s point of view is not about promoting understanding; it’s about asserting dominance.
If you encounter this phrase repeatedly, especially in situations where you are confident in your understanding, it is worth thinking about whether it is being used to undermine you.
Healthy discussions involve mutual respect and a willingness to consider different points of view, and not completely reject them.
It is important to trust your knowledge and vision.
Telling you” you don’t get it ” in a condescending way doesn’t necessarily reflect your understanding of the situation; instead, it often reflects the other person’s desire to assert their perceived superiority.
The bottom line
Covert narcissists use subtle phrases like the ones mentioned above to manipulate and undermine our confidence, making it necessary to recognize and trust our feelings and judgment.
Your views, decisions, and emotions are correct. Don’t let manipulative tactics weaken your self-esteem or independence.
Stay awake, trust yourself, and maintain healthy boundaries.
Until next time.
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