When I first started my career in finance, I had a colleague, let’s call him John. John was charming, intelligent and always the center of attention. At first, I admired his confidence.
But then, things started to feel better. He had this knack of saying things that sounded like praise but left me second guessing myself.
It wasn’t until I learned about the concept of covert narcissism that everything clicked.
Have you ever left a conversation feeling inexplicably off-balance, like you’ve been subtly undermined but can’t pinpoint why?
Maybe it’s that friend who always leaves you doubting your accomplishments or the partner whose compliments never seem like compliments.
It’s not always obvious when someone is manipulating you, especially at first. But it’s important to discover this early, otherwise it can destroy our self-worth.
With this in mind, today we’ll dive into nine phrases commonly used by covert narcissists.
Let’s go to it.
1) “You’re too sensitive”
Picture this: You’re having a discussion with someone, perhaps a friend, colleague, or partner. You are expressing how something they said or did hurt your feelings. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they say, “You’re too sensitive.” Look familiar?
When I first started my career in finance, I had a colleague, let’s call him John. John was charming, intelligent and always the center of attention. At first, I admired his confidence.
But then, things started to improve. He had a knack for saying things that sounded like praise but left me second guessing myself.
It wasn’t until I learned about the concept of covert narcissism that everything clicked.
Have you ever left a conversation feeling inexplicably off-balance, like you’ve been subtly undermined but can’t pinpoint why?
Maybe it’s that friend who always leaves you doubting your accomplishments or the partner whose compliments never seem like compliments.
It’s not always obvious that someone is manipulating you, especially at first. But it’s important to find out early, otherwise it can destroy our self-worth.
With this in mind, today we’ll delve into nine phrases commonly used by covert narcissists.
Let’s go to it.
1) “You’re too sensitive”
Picture this: You’re having a discussion with someone, perhaps a friend, colleague, or partner. You are expressing how something they said or did hurt your feelings. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they say, “You’re too sensitive.” Look familiar?
This type of behavior is a classic example of passive-aggressive manipulation. Covert narcissists often use humor as a cover for criticism. It’s a way to belittle and degrade us, while maintaining an image of innocence.
If we call them out, they turn it around and accuse us of overreacting.
A joke is only funny if everyone laughs. If humor always comes at your expense and makes you feel small, it’s not a joke, it’s a subtle form of manipulation.
3) “You know what you should have done…”
Here’s another classic saying, “You know what you should have done…”.
Narcissists use this to subtly criticize decisions and actions while presenting themselves as wiser or more knowledgeable. It’s a way to undermine our choices and instill doubt in our judgment.
However, it is important to remember that each person’s perspective is unique, and what may seem like the right choice for one person may not be the same for another. Your decisions are based on your experiences, knowledge and intuition, and they are valid.
Not only that, but we all know that “hindsight is 20/20” or at least closer to 20/20! It’s easy to say what we should have done when it was already passed.
If you hear this phrase, take a moment to think about whether these comments are constructive or simply being used to undermine your self-confidence. Advice can be valuable, but it is also important to trust your judgment and not let the hindsight criticism of others diminish your confidence in making decisions.
4) “This reminds me of a time when I was… [insert humble brag]”
Think about a time when you shared something you were proud or excited about, and the response you received was, “This reminds me of a time when…”
I encountered this with a colleague. Whenever I shared an accomplishment, his response would begin with a seemingly supportive comment, quickly followed by a story about his accomplishments.
This is classic narcissistic manipulation.
This tactic serves several purposes. First, it belittles your experiences or accomplishments, making them seem less important. Second, it redirects attention and admiration to the narcissist. It’s a way to keep the spotlight on themselves.
The element of humble bragging is particularly insidious because it is cloaked in false modesty. It gives the impression that they’re just participating, but the real intention is to outdo or give one’s edge to your story.
It is important to recognize this pattern. It is not about denying the accomplishments of others but understanding when this behavior is used to belittle your experiences and keep the focus on the narcissist.
5) “In the past, I thought so too.”
“In the past, I thought so too,” or something similar is a subtle form of condescension that covert narcissists regularly use.
As you’ve probably guessed, it’s designed to undermine your current position or feelings by implying that it’s a sign of inexperience or naivety and that the speaker has since evolved beyond that point.
This phrase and others like it belittle our current point of view and indirectly praise the speaker’s “advanced” understanding. It’s a way of saying that your views are immature and that you’ll outgrow them eventually, just like he’s supposed to.
However, everyone’s journey and perspective is valid, regardless of their level of experience. Feelings and opinions are not necessarily related to the extent of a person’s experience; It is shaped by countless factors and personal experiences.
Also keep in mind that narcissists are often expert liars; When they say this, there is a high probability that it is not true.
6) “I’m just trying to help you”
Can you remember a time when someone offered you “help” that seemed like an imposition or a way to undermine your abilities?
When I was in my early 20s, a relative of mine was constantly giving me unsolicited advice about my career even though I worked in a completely different industry. When I expressed that I felt empowered to make my own decisions, he would say, “I’m just trying to help you.” This made me wonder if I was being overly defensive or not appreciative of his “concern.”
Here’s the problem: When someone repeatedly uses the phrase “I’m just trying to help you” in response to your resistance or discomfort, it’s often a way to mask arrogant or controlling behavior. It turns the situation upside down, positions them as the benevolent character and you as the one rejecting their good will.
But real help is different. It respects boundaries and is offered in response to your needs and requests, not imposed based on what someone else thinks is best for you. If you hear this phrase often, especially when you haven’t asked for help or expressed that it isn’t needed, this is a red flag.
7) “You won’t understand”
The phrase “you wouldn’t understand” is often used as a subtle form of dismissal and belittlement. It’s a way for the covert narcissist to position themselves as superior or more enlightened, meaning you lack the ability or insight to understand what they’re talking about.
But here’s what’s really happening: By saying “you won’t understand,” they avoid having to justify or discuss their actions. It is not a reflection of your understanding or intelligence; It’s a tactic to keep you out and prevent scrutiny.
Almost everyone has the ability to understand complex situations, given the right explanation and context. Telling you that you won’t understand is not a reflection of your abilities but a manipulative tactic to undermine your self-confidence and keep you in the dark.
This often comes with the following.
8) “You will eventually learn that…”
My colleague who I mentioned at the beginning of this article was very impressed with this. When I shared my opinion, he would often dismiss it, saying, “I understand your point of view, but in the end you will know that I am right.”
This phrase seeks to undermine our confidence in our beliefs and decisions. It positions the speaker as wiser or more experienced, suggesting that our understanding will eventually match his, invalidating our current point of view.
But the truth is that our views may not agree in the end. In fact, in my experience, they probably won’t. Over time, my opinions deviated further from those of my colleague in this example.
Don’t let such condescending statements undermine your self-confidence and growth.
9) “You don’t understand it”
Disagreement or different viewpoints is normal in any conversation. However, using “You don’t get it” as a blanket statement to dismiss someone’s point of view is not about promoting understanding; It’s about asserting dominance.
If you encounter this phrase frequently, especially in situations where you are confident in your understanding, it is helpful to consider whether it is being used to undermine you.
Healthy discussions involve mutual respect and a willingness to consider different points of view, not reject them outright.
It is important to be confident in your knowledge and vision.
Being told, “You don’t understand it” in a condescending manner does not necessarily reflect your understanding of the situation; Rather, it often reflects the other person’s desire to assert his or her perceived superiority.
bottom line
Covert narcissists use subtle phrases like the ones above to manipulate and undermine our confidence, making it essential to recognize and trust our feelings and judgments.
Your views, decisions, and emotions are valid. Don’t let manipulative tactics diminish your self-esteem or independence.
