9 mind games couples play to test each other’s loyalty

Trust is the foundation of every great relationship.

Unfortunately, it’s also something that many of us struggle with.

Whether you’ve had some traumatic experiences in the past, have an insecure attachment style, or have self-esteem issues, at some point or another, you may find yourself testing your partner’s loyalty.

These mind games rarely end well and only put unnecessary stress on the relationship dynamic, but that doesn’t stop us from playing them.

Do you know what can do that?

Self-awareness.

Once you learn to recognize when you’re playing a game, you’ll be better able to stop it. Here are 9 mind games couples play to test each other’s loyalty.

1) The Texting Game

“He texted me six hours later. I need to ignore him for at least two hours now.”

“She hasn’t texted me all day. I won’t reach out to her until she texts me because I text her the first 70% of the time.”

Texting games may seem like a perfectly reasonable thing to do when you’re in the thick of it — they’re partly about giving your partner space, keeping your dignity intact, and not coming across as too desperate —. Still, in reality, they’re just mind games that are taking a toll on your well-being.

While it’s perfectly fine to take some space for yourself and not initiate contact, the fact that you’re sitting by your phone all day waiting for it to ring kind of defeats the purpose.

We may not want to admit it, but most texting games are about testing our partners’ loyalty and interest.

While it’s natural to have doubts from time to time, it’s better to sit down and talk about them than to play a game that your partner doesn’t even know you have.

2) The Trick Question

My girlfriend sometimes likes to ask her boyfriend, “What do you think of this girl’s hair?” or “This woman is really pretty. Do you think so too?”

This line of questioning isn’t always a bad thing. Some couples enjoy discussing all the different aspects of their sexual appeal, and if there’s no jealousy involved, questions like this can lead to very productive conversations.

However, if your self-esteem is very low, questions like this are mind games because you are trying to set a trap for your partner to fall into.

If he agrees with you, you might get upset. If he doesn’t, you might doubt his sincerity.

This is why trick questions generally either ruin the mood or end in an argument.

3) Jealousy Test

Jealousy usually has nothing to do with love and everything to do with ego, but that doesn’t stop us from using it to test how much our partners want us for themselves.

In one of my previous relationships, I felt extremely unappreciated. My ex completely ignored my presence half the time, and no matter what I did, I simply couldn’t get his attention.

So, I gave him the jealousy test. When another guy showed interest in me, I didn’t stop him. I laughed at his jokes, built a friendly relationship, and came to truly love him.

My ex didn’t notice.

It’s safe to say that he failed the jealousy test, and the relationship quickly ended.

Of course, I should have ended it long before I felt the need to make him jealous.

4) Searching for Compliments

“Would you still love me if I was a worm?”

“What’s your favorite thing about me?”

“Do you still love me? How much?”

These questions are usually asked in a lighthearted, playful mood when you’re joking with your partner. However, it’s very easy for the fun to turn into a fight if you’re easily irritated.

Or if you’re searching for compliments as part of a mind game.

Trying to get compliment after compliment isn’t just about testing how much your partner loves you. It’s also about measuring how much you’re annoying before they draw the line or push you away.

This reminds me of another mind game…

5) Hacking Self-Sabotage

Want to know how to sabotage your relationship so that all your fears and doubts come true?

Write a scenario that you’re afraid of. Then watch it play out in real-time.

Here’s an example. About four years ago, I was dating a guy. Let’s call him Chuck.

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I was in love with Chuck, which also meant I spent a great deal of time worrying and fearing that he would get bored with me and leave me.

This is where the anxious attachment style comes in.

I was worried that I was being too annoying and controlling. But instead of trying to change my behavior, I did the exact opposite—I became more annoying.

Every time I annoyed him too much, I was subconsciously testing him. How much longer could he take before he pushed me away? How loyal was he to me—even at my worst?

Of course, he eventually ended up pushing me away, which only “confirmed” to me that the relationship couldn’t last and that I was right all along.

Then I finally realized what I was doing. All this time, I had been sabotaging myself and my relationship with some false narrative I had built about myself and my love life.

Slowly but surely, I gave up on the self-sabotaging game. And my relationship has improved a lot as a result.

6) Raise Boundaries

Speaking of pushing your partner to their limits, boundaries are generally a great test of loyalty.

Of course, it’s pretty toxic to try to push someone’s boundaries just to see how much they love you, but unfortunately, a lot of people do it unconsciously, which means they often don’t even realize they’re playing a game.

Let’s say your partner hates spa weekends. Well, here you’re trying to convince them to go on a spa weekend with you because seeing them do something nice for you means a lot.

Even though they’ve already said they hate the idea about ten times.

This little example can be applied to most areas of a relationship, from your sex life to more serious issues.

The lesson? Don’t try to push your partner’s boundaries. They’re there for a reason. If your partner is loyal, you’ll see it in their behavior. You don’t need to play any games.

7) The Barter Game

When you love someone — truly love them — everything you do for them comes from a place of kindness and selflessness.

When you make them breakfast in bed, don’t expect them to return the favor the next morning.

When you buy them a gift, don’t keep wondering if they’ll get you something, too.

Except that many people don’t love selflessly. We feel possessive; we test each other; we try to figure out whether the relationship is worth our love and effort.

As a result, we may play the barter game—or keep a record of everything you’ve done for your partner—without even realizing it.

An ex-boyfriend once said to me, “I bought you a plant, I took you out, and I gave you a bunch of compliments. What did you do for me, huh?”

We’d been in a relationship for about a week at that point. It didn’t last long.

8) Ignoring

Ignoring can be very confusing for your partner.

On the one hand, you refuse to talk to your partner and act angry and distant. On the other hand, you wait to see if your partner will give in to your desire to talk.

The problem is that you’re sending very mixed signals. Your partner may think you want space or that you’re not in the mood, and they may do the exact opposite of what you want—leave you alone.

If you need space, say so. But if you’re just using the silent treatment to test your partner’s loyalty, maybe try talking about the problem instead.

9) Fake Breakup

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the worst mind game ever…

Fake Breakup.

It seems like a complete paradox to threaten to break up with someone just to test their loyalty, right? What if they break up with you?

Well, this game is certainly risky. If your partner doesn’t beg you to stay with them, you’re in big trouble.

However, this is a strategy that many people resort to—especially if they’re narcissistic or manipulative.

No matter which side you’re on, remember that threatening to break up with someone just to see how they react is rarely a good idea. It creates an unstable dynamic that makes you both anxious, which can lead to a lot of chaos.

Here’s a better alternative: talk about it. If you’re unsure of your partner’s loyalty, let them know how you feel. A simple conversation might be all you need.