As humans, it’s essential to surround ourselves with people who lift us, encourage us, and spread a little positivity wherever we go.
But let’s face it—friendships can get a little messy sometimes. You may find yourself dealing with a so-called friend who’s secretly harboring some serious bad feelings—resentment, jealousy, or even a hidden desire to see you fail.
These toxic tendencies can creep up on you, disguised as subtle behaviors that are easy to ignore at first. But don’t worry! Over time, these red flags will start waving louder and clearer.
So, are you ready to play detective in your own life?
1) Subtle belittling
You may find that this friend is subtly ignoring your accomplishments or belittling your successes. Maybe they change the subject when you discuss your accomplishments, or maybe they always seem to find a way to bring up your past failures when you’re celebrating a win.
In other cases, they may plant seeds of doubt in your mind about your abilities or decisions. They may use phrases like, “Are you sure this is the best idea?” or “I don’t know if you’re ready for this yet.”
They may wrap their destabilizing comments in worry or “constructive criticism,” making it difficult to recognize their true intentions. But over time, these small jabs can build up and undermine your confidence and self-esteem.
2) They revel in your misfortunes
While it’s natural to feel a twinge of jealousy or disappointment when a friend succeeds where we’ve failed, a friend who secretly wants you to fail will go a step further.
You may notice that this friend seems especially happy or relieved when things don’t go your way. Maybe you didn’t get the job you were hoping for, or your latest business venture didn’t go as expected. Instead of empathizing with your disappointment, they may seem strangely cheerful or dismissive.
This behavior is rooted in pride, a complex emotional response in which one finds joy in the suffering of others. It’s often driven by feelings of envy, competition, or deep-seated insecurity.
3) They’re Overly Generous with Advice
You may find that this friend is always eager to offer their opinion, even when you haven’t asked for it. They may constantly suggest how you could do things differently or better.
While advice can be helpful, too much of it can sometimes undermine your confidence in your decisions and abilities. It subtly conveys the message that they know better than you, or that you’re incapable of succeeding without their input.
This over-eagerness to offer advice may indicate that they don’t truly support your endeavors—instead, they may be hoping you’ll stumble and fall so they can step in at an “I told you so” moment.
4) They Never Celebrate Your Success
It’s as if they suffer from a chronic case of “congratulatoryitis,” and symptoms include being vaguely preoccupied during your big moments and offering lukewarm praise at best.
You may find them dismissing your hard-won success as “just luck” or downplaying it as no big deal.
Psychologists suggest that this behavior often stems from deep-seated insecurity and envy, which makes it difficult for them to be truly happy for you. A study from the Journal of Social Psychology and Personality highlights how envy can turn friends into enemies, slowly eroding the relationship.
No matter how it manifests, the underlying message is the same: They’re not interested in celebrating your success.
5) They’re Always Comparing
Comparison can be a natural part of human relationships, but when it’s persistent, it can indicate a deeper problem.
If you notice that your friend is constantly comparing their life to yours, it could be a sign that they want to see you fail. They may repeatedly mention their accomplishments in response to yours or seem obsessed with who’s better at different aspects of life.
But keep in mind that this behavior often stems from insecurity and feelings of inadequacy. It’s not about you, it’s about their struggle to feel good enough.
6) They’re never truly present
We’ve all been there — sharing something exciting with a friend, only to find that they’re only partially listening, glued to their phone, or otherwise mentally disengaged.
If your friend seems constantly distracted or disinterested when you talk about your victories or plans, it could be a subtle hint that they’re not rooting for you. They might change the subject faster than you can say “success,” offer vague responses like “that’s great,” or simply not engage at all.
This kind of behavior can come across as dismissive, making you wonder if your accomplishments matter to them. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that people who frequently withdraw during conversations may be harboring feelings of envy or resentment, even if it’s unconsciously.
7) They’re Perpetual Pessimists
We all know that one person can find a dark cloud in every glimmer of hope, right? It’s like they have a special talent for turning even the most positive news into something negative.
If your friend is always pointing out potential pitfalls in your plans or predicting failure and despair for your dreams, they may not have your best interests at heart. They may be quick to highlight all the ways things could go wrong, rather than focusing on the possibilities for success.
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Of course, a little caution can be a good thing, and it’s always helpful to be prepared for potential challenges. But if your friend is always spoiling your fun, it may be time to consider whether they hope to see you shine.
8) They’re Disappearing in Times of Need
When things are bad, and you need a shoulder to lean on, true friends show up. It’s in these tough times that their true colors shine.
If your friend is constantly disappearing or pulling away when you’re going through a tough time, it’s a harsh reality check. They may be nowhere to be found when you’re dealing with a setback or failure, or they seem uninterested in offering support.
It’s a tough love letter, but true friends will stand by you through thick and thin.
9) They Don’t Inspire You to Be Better
At the heart of it all, real friends lift you. They inspire you to be the best version of yourself, and believe in your potential, even when you don’t.
If your friend doesn’t motivate you, or worse, makes you question your worth or abilities, that’s a big red flag. They may subtly discourage your ambitions or make you feel stupid for dreaming big.
Remember this above all else: a real friendship should make you feel empowered and supported. If a friend often leaves you feeling drained or doubtful, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
Final Thoughts
If you recognize some or all of these signs in a friend, it’s understandable that you might be feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Recognizing a toxic friendship can be difficult.
But remember, it’s not about blaming or labeling your friend. As psychologist Dr. Laura Markham suggests, “We all have moments when we act badly or are less supportive than we should be. What matters is consistency and balance.”
In other words, anyone can have a bad day and act in ways that aren’t ideal. However, if these signs are consistent and causing you distress, it may be time to take a hard look at the friendship.
The most important thing to learn here is to trust your gut and prioritize your emotional well-being. If you’re not thriving in your friendship, it may be time to have some honest conversations, set boundaries, or even reevaluate the relationship.
Don’t forget: You deserve relationships that lift you, celebrate your successes, and encourage your growth. Don’t settle for less.
