Whether it’s a heterosexual or same-sex relationship – the abuse of men is more common than you might expect. Many people do not recognize violence against men, but it is a reality. It is essential to know and acknowledge how emotionally abusive men are in relationships.

Most men, like me, don’t realize they’ve been abused or abused. Many men have selective memories. They remember good times, sex, and moments when their partner told them they were good at fixing doorknobs.

Guys can be perfect in boys’ skin. Their greatest strength is endurance in the face of conflict and terrorism.

They learn, as children and adolescents, to push their bodies beyond their capacity for a soccer net, or, as men, to drive hard for hours at a desk even though their souls are crying out for postponement. Tolerance is the mastery of self-respect.

Related: What Drives Emotional Abuse in Relationships

For most men to remember a time when they were treated terribly, it can take more than just throwing a shoe down memory lane. They think not of being treated terribly, but of how to fix something, or how to escape, but remembering and feeling are the tenets of a foreign god.

Men are more likely to be abused when they grow up believing they have to please them to be loved, if their parents are drug addicts or alcoholics, or if a parent or guardian abandons them and thinks it is their fault. It becomes puddles of people-pleasing mush, squashed with the blow of a disapproving look.

This false core wound provides a ground for any narcissistic or borderline individual to come crawling into their midst, eager to exploit this wound to all their riches.

Narcissists and borderline personalities, or skilled victims as I call them, are those who received the same type of wound as people-pleasers, perhaps more severe/abusive but responded and developed differently. They can be men or women.

These types become the opposite of people-pleasing. They are never able to apologize, are highly critical of others, and are masterful manipulators.

The skilled victim needs someone, a whipping boy, to cut down their fence and turn on the lights for them, and the whipping boy will comply because that is how he achieves superficial acceptance and his version of false love.

Skilled victims are the most vulnerable to abuse. These are some of the ways other men and I have been abused.

9 Examples of how emotionally abusive men are in relationships and coping methods

The skilled victim will:

1. Seducing him with all the sex he wants until he commits. Then remove the gender, turn it off, Infinitum, to keep it where they want it. A man will always apologize because he thinks he did something wrong for undoing these blessings. This is abuse. Get out.
2. Developing impromptu “illnesses” before a guy leaves to clear his mind, spend time with friends, go on a solo adventure, or business trip. And then, the expert would shame him for leaving them in such a state.
3. They will verbally abuse him, castrate him with their words and challenge his manhood and self-care. Skilled victims hate seeing people take care of themselves, because it’s not something they’ve been able to do, and they may have been punished for trying to do so. The skilled victim is incapable of compromise, vulnerability, or authenticity. Either you do what they want, or they will do everything they can to brand you an abuser.
4. Be an expert during the first few weeks about what the guy wants to hear. They will build it. He will be an emperor in his skin. However, once the skilled victim takes hold, all of his strengths, such as slow toxic dripping, will be challenged and undermined, especially when they interfere with the victim’s need for calming and self-attention.
5. They talk endlessly about wanting to be together for life, how they can’t wait to grow old together, and the next moment, they whack their fangs at you for packing a box wrong. Man will be divided into statues and degenerates. This is abuse. Leave the praying mantis leaf.
6. Emptying the man’s bank account with the promise of love and then blaming him for the poor budget. When they don’t get what they want, or if they are confronted, they will viciously attack a weak, tired man (running to save energy) and then berate him for his lack of energy.

Related: The Narcissistic Lover’s Playbook: Stages of Relationship With a Narcissist

7. Initiate quarrels with the man’s family members, friends, or other males, and if he does not take their side, he will be repelled and asked about his commitment. Sometimes they provoke another man to the point of fighting and ask you to stand up for their honor. This is abuse. Get out.

8. Start the cycle of abuse at night, keep him awake, or try to make him shiver as much as possible until he becomes weak and disoriented. If he likes to orgasm, they will whet his sex drive. Sleeping and controlling sex are common tactics for abuse. The skilled victim’s main assault is their ability to be present, think clearly, and pursue anything that does not involve the victim’s plans.
9. When the man finally stands up for himself and refuses to take any further punishment, the skilled victim may become desperate, attack the man, and then tell the world that he has been abused. They may take in the children and use this bogus “abuse” as an excuse to take them away from him, then move on to the next target (often children).