It is important to know and identify narcissistic traits before entering into a relationship with them.
Narcissism is not an intermittent condition, nor is it “you either have it or you don’t have it.” It’s a continuum. Some degree of narcissism is normal, even healthy.
A certain degree of narcissism is normal. However, when the level of narcissism meets the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), it is pathologically unhealthy.
Related: How To Love Fearlessly After Your Heart Was Broken By A Narcissist
(For simplicity in this article, the term “narcissist” will be used to refer to an individual who reaches the threshold for narcissistic personality disorder, not the healthy narcissism that helps us self-care, protect ourselves, and achieve goals.)
In my research, I discovered that there are typically three types of articles written about narcissism and how to deal with a narcissistic person.
The most common ones seem to be people who have been damaged by narcissistic abuse or a relationship with a narcissist. These venting articles are filled with pain and bitterness because narcissists leave a wide swath of damage in their wake.
There are also scientific articles based on scientific research that identifies the underlying biological or psychological causes of narcissism (i.e. brain studies that show that the brains of narcissists do not respond to empathy in the same way as the brains of people without narcissistic disorder).
The third type of essay on narcissism is an apologetic essay, asking for understanding because the narcissist cannot help with how his or her brain is developing. While this is true, letting your guard down with a narcissist while trying to understand them and treat them sympathetically instead is unwise when relationships are close.
I have worked with countless clients over the years who have struggled in relationships with narcissists. I seek objectivity in this cautionary article which is not written to condemn, but only to warn, even though the features described may seem very condemning. Embellishing facts make victims more vulnerable.
When I was a child I read a story about an old teacher who saw a bruised and broken snake lying near death on the side of the sidewalk. She lovingly took this creature into her home, gave it her bed, made soup for it, and nursed it day and night back to health.
When she regained her strength again, she bit her. I looked at her and was shocked and screamed: Why did you do that after you sacrificed so much to save your life? The snake replied, “Ma’am, you knew I was a snake when you took me!”
Don’t take this metaphor too literally, people are not snakes, nor even narcissists. All people have invaluable value and inherent dignity. But, as a metaphor, he acknowledges that people with strong narcissistic traits and tendencies are not good at relationships.
Not everyone is emotionally secure, so it is important to be able to recognize narcissistic patterns and themes of narcissistic behavior.
#Here are 9 prevalent traits that reveal that someone may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
1. Exploitative
The narcissist sees others as cut-out characters in their storyboard.
The value of others is determined by how these figures will play a role in the narcissist’s life to help the narcissist obtain desired goals rather than by viewing them as valuable human beings in their own right with their own needs and desires.
They rely on the criteria of “What have you done for me lately?” Or more clearly, “How can you be useful to me in the future?”
Since reality is fluid to the narcissist and others are merely tools to achieve a desired end, the narcissist will shamelessly maneuver unsuspecting people into giving them what they want, whether that be financial assistance, material possessions, a free vacation, use of a car, or meals. Or loyalty, or cleaning house, or protection, or anything else imaginable.
Related: How To Love Fearlessly After Your Heart Was Broken By A Narcissist
2. Manipulative
At the very least, they are witty allusions. They are willing to cross traditional lines of social boundaries to get what they want.
For example, they are not above alienating feelings within families to gain favor with some family member, or not above making someone else take responsibility for their behavior. Think of a con man or a professional actor.
Narcissists are skilled at getting others to do their will because they develop an uncanny ability to imitate — to imitate love, empathy, altruism, generosity, or to imitate concern for or concern for others.
Once others become infatuated with the narcissist’s respect and attention, they become more malleable to the narcissist’s will.
The most dangerous aspect of being in a relationship with a narcissist is that they can be very deceptive, it is easy to fall into the illusion of narcissistic entitlement. Their charm and showmanship make people prefer them.
But, once they get stuck, to get along with them in the long run, one must accept that their sense of reality is correct (i.e. they deserve what they want, otherwise they are the “victim”).
3. Deceptive
aims to justify means. They can somehow convince themselves that their behavior was not cheating, stealing, or lying.
For example, they may find a way to justify cheating an elderly parent out of a large sum of money by telling themselves that it was owed to them in some way, even though it wasn’t at all.
They reframe the deception, twist and distort facts, even to themselves, to show themselves in a better light, believe their deception wholeheartedly, and become indignant when asked to do so. When faced with being deceived, they believe they are the victim.
4. Believing that they are exempt from the rules
In the mind of the narcissist, rules, laws, customs, and norms do not apply to him. They are always a “special case”, the exception. This grandiose thinking is one of the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
An example of this would be a physically healthy adult narcissist who visits his mother on Mother’s Day and brings her dirty laundry to wash. or smoking in a smoke-free area or environment and/or avoiding responsibilities while enjoying the same responsibilities performed on their behalf.
(For example, not contributing in a meaningful way to family get-togethers, but always attending to reap the benefits.)
While each of these is a small red flag on its own, the consistent pattern of exempting oneself from the rule of give and take, and being considerate of others, indicates that you may be dealing with a narcissist.
The narcissist’s skewed sense of superiority supports the mindset that rules and standards don’t apply to them—rules and standards are for those who are less special.
Related: 5 Steps To Loving Yourself (Without Being A TOTAL Narcissist)
5. Great merit
Their self-perceived superiority entitles them to have the best – the best job, house, clothes, restaurants, vacation destinations, cars, best friends, neighborhoods, and schools.
Evidence of their self-perceived superiority may include their appearance, achievements, intelligence, or status. They prioritize achieving evidence of excellence above all else. Get in their way of achieving this achievement at your own risk.
But their ambition is not the problem. The problem is that successes prove to them their inherent higher value, which justifies treating others less humanely. They often attribute others’ jealousy to relationship difficulties. In their eyes, they are superior.
6. Poor reciprocity in relationships
The one-way, all-take-no-give-up street is the hallmark of relationships with narcissists. Or when they give, it costs them nothing, such as giving away things they no longer have any use for or giving away other people’s things.
However, there is always an angle for them such as buying loyalty, appreciation, or affection. Giving of themselves is not unheard of unless there is an angle to it, such as doing it for attention or admiration.
7. Bad boundaries
They take liberties that violate boundaries because they do not recognize boundaries. Sensitivity to boundaries develops over time and requires observation and concern for others’ reactions to one’s behavior (i.e., empathy).
Narcissists are also driven by their agenda and boundaries tend to thwart their will. Small examples include intruding and taking over personal conversations or taking over your host’s living space when visiting.
A more problematic example is the narcissist interfering in his child’s marriage relationship or seducing a friend’s partner.
8. Weak social discrimination
How others are affected by their behavior rarely appears on the narcissist’s radar, unless that person later manages to thwart the narcissist’s goals. On the other hand, they often have a kind of innocence in their oblivion and are pained when called out for their inadequacy.
I had a client who had a narcissistic adult family member who played inappropriate games with a young child of the family member because the child enjoyed the behavior and the narcissist did not see the long-term consequences of this type of play.
Another example might be a narcissist giving a lecture to a bereavement group highlighting her accomplishments rather than showing compassion toward fellow sufferers or honoring the deceased.
Often, there is something strange about the social interaction of narcissists, even though they are excellent imitators of appropriate behavior. This inappropriate behavior that causes discomfort in others usually indicates that they are pursuing their agenda, usually for attention, affection, or admiration.
9. Selfishness
Self-preoccupation, self-concern, self-centeredness, self-absorption, self-seeking, selfishness, miserliness, selfishness, conceit, pride, and arrogance are all traits appropriate to the narcissistic nature. A grandiose sense of self-importance is one of the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
Again, although a narcissist may be a predator in relationships, he or she deserves humane treatment, but with firm boundaries. If they can’t get from you what they’re looking for, they’ll move on to someone else. If you set boundaries from the beginning of the relationship, they are easier to maintain.
However, if the narcissist is used to your compliance, it is difficult to set and maintain new boundaries because he views the change in the relationship as shameful and will blame you for hurting him.
Now that you have this list of personality traits, you’re more aware of what a narcissistic personality looks like. Now, you can take better steps to make sure you don’t become a victim.
