The good news is that by reading this article you are bravely taking the first big step in helping yourself reclaim your life from the misery you were living married to a narcissistic sociopath.
You feel lonely because you keep this part of your life hidden from those who love you most. You’re afraid because you’ve lost a big part of who you were before you met and married Mr. Right… before you realized he was a sociopath.
Every day you wonder if it’s possible to pick up the pieces of your life again. You seem to be emotionally and physically exhausted all the time from dealing with the narcissistic sociopath you are in a relationship with.
You may feel confused one minute and angry the next, but mostly, you feel guilty, like you’re worthless and no one will love you.
So ask yourself, what is your role in this dance with your narcissistic, sociopathic husband?
Just as he keeps repeating his actions and words over and over again, the same goes for you too. You internalized your negative emotions in response to his tirade and blaming him. Suddenly, the switch flips, and now you’re repeating the same words he’s said to you over the years to yourself — and keeping yourself down, instead of learning how to deal with his narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies.
As a result, instead of just one person attacking you, there are now two people – him and you. Over time, you have conditioned your response to blame yourself (as they “trained” you to do), which leads to constant feelings of guilt.
You get a double whammy of guilt. When you internalize the terrible things he says to you, you keep repeating those negative things…so he doesn’t have to do it.
For example, I worked hard, the house is clean, he ate dinner, set the table, and wore his favorite perfume. But when you serve him dinner, he complains loudly that you burned the mushrooms, and throws his plate across the room into the kitchen trash can. He screams that you never do anything right.
Related: 8 Warning Signs That You Are Married To A Sociopath
Instead of realizing that this sociopathic narcissistic behavior is abusive and controlling, you feel guilt, shame, or sadness.
You end up meekly accepting his belief that you’re a bad cook or a terrible wife and cleaning up the mess, determined to get it right next time and not fail. You feel like it’s all your fault, no matter the circumstances.
This habitual way of behaving has manifested itself in your unhappiness. You are experiencing a biophysical (chemical and physical) response and a psychological (mental and emotional) response to the stimuli we talked about earlier.
Try to remember that this is not your fault. This is his problem, not yours
If you realize that you are married to a narcissistic sociopath, you need to learn how to overcome his abuse.
Here are 8 rules to help you next time you feel like you’re being controlled or manipulated by your narcissistic, sociopathic spouse:
- Identify the trigger.
Pay attention to what he says or does that makes you feel that way. Notice how he does it, and how often. - Stop and think about it.
Notice how you feel; Don’t just accept that he’s right and you should feel a certain way. - Name what you feel.
“He’s right, it was my fault I burned the mushrooms. It makes me feel guilty now.”
Giving a name to what you feel doesn’t mean it’s right. This means that you are starting to understand what makes you feel, and by recognizing what you feel, you can control that feeling.
- Repeat the “Golden Rule of Guilt.”
“I don’t buy this.”
In order to make you feel guilty, you have to “believe” in guilt! It will only work if you consciously or unconsciously agree to “agree” to his narrative about why you feel guilty. People burn dinner all the time. Does it make you a bad person? No, the person who should feel guilty is the person who threw a tantrum over some burnt mushrooms.
Related: Why Narcissists Love Bomb You (And How To Recognize When It’s Happening)
- Make a choice.
Now you can choose not to feel guilty because you don’t deserve to feel guilty and you haven’t done anything wrong. Make this decision consciously, even if you still feel guilty. - Repeat the empowerment mantra.
Silently tell yourself, “I am guilt-free! I am guilt-free! I am guilt-free!” Once you repeat this mantra, the guilt will begin to dissipate. - Practice visualization for one minute.
Think about the circumstances that led to this problem. This will help you believe that you deserve to be guilt-free. Take a moment to visualize the mushrooms as they cook. Do you see the way those mushrooms look? There was no way to burn them. She cooked them to perfection just the way he liked it. This will help you understand that you have nothing to be sorry for.
- Go back to Rule No. 4: I don’t believe in this!
Look at your husband. He’s really upset. Silently say to yourself: “I’ll just listen to him. I know I don’t have to feel guilty. The mushrooms were delicious. He’s really playing it in front of an audience… but tonight is my night to start feeling better.”
Related: How Empaths Use (And Narcissists Abuse) The 5 Love Languages Drastically Differently
Starting now, you’re on your way to wellness. You may be wondering how a simple exercise can change your life? Once you change your thoughts and beliefs internally, your external reality automatically changes too! How cool is that?
The more you reinforce your guilt-free beliefs, the easier it will be to embrace them and stop giving in to his verbal attacks. And when you feel stronger and believe in yourself, you won’t have to endure the rest either.
