Being in a close relationship with a narcissist can be more than just painful — it can be dangerous. If you find yourself in constant doubt, self-blame, and confusion, you may simply be a victim of errors in thinking—fueled by a malignant narcissist in your life.

Are you in an abusive relationship with a narcissist?

If you think you are in a relationship with a narcissist, watch to see if that person displays certain traits. A narcissist is someone with an inflated sense of self, a deep desire to be liked, and a complete lack of empathy for others.

Narcissists have a strong desire to impress others by making themselves look good on the outside, from the way they look, the type of car they drive, and everything in between. Although they may be very attractive, they expect preferential treatment and often lose interest in people who do not treat them with the respect they feel they deserve. At worst, they will punish people for it.

These traits are more than just a nuisance or something to deal with. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, the narcissist’s need for adulation can erode the relationship. An abusive narcissist can turn on you and use blame, insults, and gaslighting to destroy your self-esteem.

Constant criticism can cause errors in thinking

When a narcissist becomes abusive, they will likely start making errors of reasoning because of the way they are treated.

You may never feel that you can get a word out and that you are never heard. Your comments will likely be ignored or revoked.

Narcissists genuinely believe that the rules don’t apply to them, including respecting your boundaries. They believe they are not wrong about anything and will often blame you, even if you did nothing wrong.

You have likely been ridiculed, judged, and criticized by narcissists. It is also possible that you have been taken advantage of and manipulated in various ways so that they can get what he wants. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone like that without suffering from cognitive distortions.

What are cognitive distortions?

Cognitive distortions are distorted ways of seeing and thinking about reality. It is always negative and occurs automatically. Real-life situations will be exaggerated and distorted as you create support for your negative expectations.

It is not surprising that people who are involved with a narcissist deal with these types of issues. If you’re dealing with a narcissist, chances are your needs will be ignored, you’ll be criticized and invalidated, and your boundaries will be constantly crossed. You may have a hard time seeing the world as it is because you are constantly being told that you are not important.

8 Common examples of cognitive distortions

Psychologists have identified up to 50 common cognitive distortions. Some specific examples that you might deal with if you are dealing with a narcissist are:

1. Overgeneralizing
   You apply the result of one single event to all areas of your life. For example, if you burn dinner, and the narcissist tells you that you’re a terrible cook, you think it’s true: you must be a terrible cook because you burned dinner.
2. Seeing things as “all or nothing”
   You see everything in black and white without any grey. For example, you can call and leave a message for a friend. If she doesn’t come back to you right away, you will start to believe that she is never there for you. Or, you may have broken up with your narcissistic partner once or twice in the past but rekindled the relationship. You may start to think that there is no point in ending it because you always have your partner’s back.
3. A negative bias
   You always notice the negative things around you but are unable to appreciate any of the positives. While you will always be hard on yourself because of your negatives, you will never feel good about yourself because of all the good things in your life. This is made worse by the fact that the narcissist most likely points out all bad things.

4. Dramatization
   You always expect the worst in every scenario and create completely unreasonable consequences. For example, if you get a phone call from a number you don’t know, you might assume it’s someone calling to tell you that a terrible accident has happened, or that you’re losing your job.
5. Having double standards for yourself
   Everything you do has to be perfect, or it just isn’t good enough – but you won’t judge others harshly for their imperfections. This is likely due to criticism from the narcissists in your life.
6. Jumping to conclusions
   Notice if you assume that you know what other people are going to say, do, or think and that it will always be negative. This can be a very dangerous way of thinking because it can prevent you from doing the things you know are necessary to improve your situation.

For example, if you are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and need help, you may be afraid to ask for it, because you will assume that no one will believe you and no one will want to help you.

7. Emphasis on “should”
   You believe that things should be a certain way and that people should behave as expected. You may keep trying to reach out to the narcissist in hopes that he or she will change. The problem is when you go into denial and can’t accept that the narcissist is unlikely to ever change.

Notions that people “should” or “must” act a certain way are almost always due to cognitive distortion. For example: “I should have given them another chance,” or “I should have known why they are behaving this way so I can change my behaviors.” These thoughts may trigger feelings of guilt or shame. “Should” statements are usually used to indicate how others should act. These thoughts might go something like, “He should reply to me sooner when I text him,” or, “You should thank me for all the times I helped her.”

Such errors in thinking can lead to a person feeling disappointed and indignant when others fail to meet their set expectations. No matter how much we might like it to be true, we can’t control other people’s behavior, so thinking about what other people should do serves no useful purpose. We can only accept people as they are and decide whether to keep them in our lives.

8. Taking everything personally
   When the narcissist is constantly criticizing, you may find it difficult not to take things personally. It is especially devastating when it comes to a relationship with a narcissist because you may start to believe all the negative, hurtful things they say to you. You may even think that you are somehow causing the narcissist to act badly towards you.