There are no limits to what a narcissistic mother will do. Yes, she will continue to try to control you even after you reach adulthood.
If you think a narcissistic mother will stop trying to control you after you leave home, you’re in for a surprise. Narcissism doesn’t stop playing the game, and it never stops trying to bring you under its control. More often than not, narcissism doesn’t change.
How Does a Narcissistic Mother Control Her Adult Children?
As most adults who live with narcissistic mothers experience, things don’t always get better. Even if you move to another state or abroad, this toxic personality will find a way to control you.
A narcissistic mother will do everything she can to continue influencing her adult child. Let’s look at some of the ways this happens, and perhaps some ways we can break free from this ordeal.
A narcissistic mother will do everything she can to continue influencing her adult child. Let’s look at some of the ways this happens, and perhaps some ways we can break free from this ordeal.
- Triangulation
Here’s a definition of triangulation I’ve never heard before: “It’s manipulating the two extremes against the middle.” Narcissistic mothers use triangulation when their children are young to maintain control. But the truly disturbing thing is that they continue to use this strategy even after the children grow up.
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She might say one thing to you and another to your husband. But what she says to your husband is designed to make you look bad. She doesn’t just use the triangle tactic with your loved ones; she also tries to use it with your colleagues. All of this is to keep herself in the spotlight and maintain others’ trust in her, rather than you.
- Nagging
Yes, your narcissistic mother will continue to nag even after you break up. She’ll call you and start an argument just to get what she wants. She won’t stop nagging until you give in and shut her up. She knows this is what will happen, and it works for her.
The only way to get out of this situation is to end the call, which will only make her angrier.
- Spying on You
Your social media accounts will become an obsession for your narcissistic mother. Everything you post will be easy for her to see and analyze. If she can stir up trouble about anything you post, she will.
In your childhood, there was no such thing as privacy for this toxic mother. Now that she’s an adult, she sees things the same way. She’ll go through your phone if you leave it within reach, read any mail that arrives at your childhood home, and ask your friends for information about your private life.
She won’t hesitate to do anything to completely control your life.
- Shame
A narcissistic mother will use shame to make you come back to her for advice and comfort. If you achieve something, she’ll downplay it, and she’ll shame you for every mistake you make. She wants you to understand that you’re not good enough and that you’ll always need her guidance.
But the truth is, you’re good enough, and this is just another game you’re playing, even as you grow up.
- Selfishness
While self-confidence and self-esteem are natural, it’s not acceptable to be completely selfish. A narcissistic mother is a prime example of this—extremely selfish. Most of the time, when you accomplish something and tell your mother, she’ll appreciate and congratulate you, but not a narcissistic mother.
This mother will attribute everything you do directly to her amazing genes, her parenting style, or her personality. She’ll remind you that you inherited your positive qualities from her and will often steer the conversation toward her own accomplishments.
- Comparisons
If a narcissistic mother has more than one child, she’ll compare them to each other. You might think she’s encouraging her children to always strive for the best in life, but that’s not the case. She’s actually reminding them of each other’s mistakes while simultaneously maintaining control over each child.
She will continue this behavior even after her children reach adulthood. This comparison will likely be repeated at every opportunity, even in phone calls and text messages.
- Psychological Manipulation
I think psychological manipulation is a favorite tactic of all toxic and narcissistic personalities. But the narcissistic mother is especially adept at it because her children trust her. If she says you did something and you don’t remember it, she must be right, right? Well, not necessarily.
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This mother’s primary goal is to keep you doubting reality. Narcissists are masters of this tactic, so it’s easy to fall victim to their psychological manipulation. If you think you can escape this by moving out of the family home, think again.
- Guilt Manipulation
The guilt manipulation employed by the narcissistic mother is incredibly frustrating. Every time you disagree with her or tell her you can’t do something, she’ll send you a quick reminder:
“I’m the one who gave birth to you, so you have to respect me,” or something similar.
She wants you to always remember how she raised you, fed you, and kept you healthy throughout your childhood. Now that you’re an adult, you feel you owe her something. But you don’t owe your mother anything just because she raised you. Remember that well.
Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother
There are no easy solutions for dealing with a narcissistic mother. However, you can distance yourself from her in your life. This distance may not be permanent unless you completely cut ties with her. The decision is yours.
If you want to maintain some kind of relationship with your abusive mother, you should seek psychological help to deal with her unhealthy behaviors. Your priority is not your mother, it’s you. Focus on your mental health and do what it takes to achieve happiness.
Take things one step at a time, and be confident in yourself. You are stronger than you think. Have a wonderful day!
