The Mayo Clinic defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental disorder in which people have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and a deep need for admiration. People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior to others and care little about other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
How do you know if your romantic partner might be a narcissist? Here are some telltale signs. While many people may occasionally be guilty of some of the following behaviors, a pathological narcissist tends to routinely exhibit many of the following traits while remaining largely unaware (or unconcerned) about how their actions affect their partner.
Here are eight signs that you might be dealing with a narcissistic lover, with references from my books How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Transform Your Higher Self. This post assumes that the reader is interested in a meaningful, monogamous relationship (as opposed to a casual, open one).
- Insensitive to your needs. Narcissists can be very charming and persuasive. They are usually adept at flirting, romance, impressing, and persuading. It’s easy to fall under their spell and do what they want, because it may feel good to do so, at least at first. However, you may soon discover that what you do with a narcissist is always on their terms. They may start making greater demands on you, become more critical, or exhibit a pattern of unreliability.
It’s worth noting that a selfish lover is often a poor listener, likes to talk about themselves most of the time, interrupts you frequently, and shows relatively little interest in your thoughts, feelings, priorities, and needs.
- Flirts with others. A clear warning sign that your lover may be a narcissist is that while you’re on a date, or while you’re doing “couple” things, they start flirting with others. This behavior shows a real lack of respect and a lack of class. Either the narcissist doesn’t have the maturity to know better, or he or she doesn’t respect you enough not to care. If you’re in a committed relationship, or moving toward one, your partner’s behavior breaks two of the most important keys to a successful relationship: trust and respect.
- Brags about past romantic conquests. Similarly, be wary when your partner repeatedly tells you stories about their romantic past, regularly introduces you to singles they find attractive, or openly brags to friends about being intimate with you. Again, a narcissistic partner is not mature enough to be cautious, or sensitive enough to care about your feelings. To the narcissist, showing off to gain admiration seems more important than being in a genuinely loving and caring relationship.
- Uses you as a prize. Many narcissists love to do things to impress others and make themselves look good. In social encounters, this “prize” complex can manifest physically, romantically, sexually, professionally, financially, or culturally. In these situations, the narcissist uses people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to represent the self, replacing the insecure and inadequate “real” self. These “merit badges” are often exaggerated. The basic message of this type of presentation is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look how special I am – I deserve everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”
- He uses you as a substitute. After a painful breakup or divorce, some singles may seek out another partner as soon as possible, rather than taking the time necessary to grieve, heal, and get back to health. While the desire for such “replacement” relationships is understandable, they also contain elements of narcissism – one seeks companionship to avoid pain and loneliness, rather than genuine love and care. The chosen one is used as a substitute to temporarily fill the void. Often, when the narcissistic hero gets over his previous breakup, the rebound relationship ends as well.
- He uses you for sex. One telltale sign that a narcissistic lover is different is the way he treats you when you’re not having sex. Because the narcissist uses others to satisfy his own needs, he may disappear emotionally (if not physically) once his satisfaction is met. You are left hanging, perhaps feeling lonely and empty, because there was no real intimacy. There was lovemaking, but no real love. Then the narcissist will reach out to you again the next time he or she wants to satisfy their passion.
- Constantly demean others.
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off other people’s heads.” — Paramahansa Yogananda
To erect a facade of superiority, and to hide their hidden insecurities and inadequacies, some narcissists constantly demean others, to enhance their desirability and acceptance. In romantic relationships, some (but not all) narcissists may target their partners with ridicule, blame, shame, mockery, and general marginalization. By subjecting their partner to an inferior psychological position, the narcissist can exercise greater dominance and manipulation.
Unwillingness to commit seriously. If you and your partner have been in a relationship for a long time, and your partner is unwilling to commit seriously because they want to keep their romantic “options” open, this may be cause for concern. There are many possible reasons for a partner’s lack of commitment. Some are very reasonable and worth considering. However, others may be downright selfish. What distinguishes a narcissist’s lack of commitment is their desire to maintain the status quo with you, and reap the benefits of intimacy, while keeping an eye out for other, perhaps more eligible (from the narcissist’s perspective) possibilities. To the narcissist, whether consciously or unconsciously, you are not “the one,” but rather a replacement or temporary solution. If you find yourself in a relationship with a difficult narcissist, there are several strategies and skills you can use to help restore health, balance, and respect. In my book (click on the title): How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists, you will learn how to maintain composure, ways to be proactive rather than reactive, seven powerful strategies for dealing with narcissists, eight ways to say “no” diplomatically but firmly, keys to successfully negotiating with narcissists, and seven types of power you can use to force them to cooperate.
