Key Points
In a narcissistic family, children may bear the burden of negative expectations and adult responsibilities.
The scapegoat in a family can adopt a variety of coping styles, each with their strengths and shortcomings.
The scapegoat may have experienced significant trauma but is also more likely to be disengaged from the family.
In simple terms, a scapegoat is someone who is unfairly targeted for shame, anger, and blame by another person or group. In an emotionally illiterate or volatile narcissistic family, it is common for one child to be chosen as the ongoing scapegoat. This child is made to carry the negative expectations of the narcissistic parent—the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors in themselves that they wish to disown—while often being burdened with the responsibilities of the adults in the family.
8 Types of Scapegoats in Narcissistic Families
The reason why a particular child becomes the target of a scapegoat is influenced by a combination of factors such as gender, birth order, and personality traits. Children who are victimized may attempt a variety of strategies to manage their painful role in the dysfunctional family system and gain whatever validation they can from their parents. Because of the constant devaluation and exploitation they experience, scapegoats struggle to develop self-esteem and healthy boundaries, and they often make significant personal sacrifices in an attempt to gain the highly conditional approval that passes for love in their homes.
A victimized child may adopt one or more of the coping styles described below. For example, a child with a rebellious response may also be honest and protective, or a problem-solving child may also be idealistic and/or nurturing. More than one child in a family may be victimized if, for example, a sibling leaves home or other circumstances change.
- Caregiver
Children who are blamed may provide emotional and/or physical care for one or more parents or stepparents, acting as a best friend, spouse, therapist, or nurse. They may be assigned household responsibilities such as cleaning, cooking, and caring for siblings, while also being targeted with anger and blame for family problems. Caregivers are often intuitive and empathetic scapegoats and can become powerful healers as they grow older. But if they continue to prioritize the needs of others over their own, they are likely to experience anxiety, poor self-care, resentment, and burnout.
- Problem Solver
A problem-solver takes matters into their own hands for the family. This child may take charge in crises, provide advice or make decisions on behalf of the parents, manage aspects of the family, and perhaps earn money for the family. The problem-solving scapegoat may gain short-term approval and/or relief from criticism and drama by fixing problems, but like caregivers, they are exploited for the service they provide at the expense of their own needs and healthy development. As adults, they often demonstrate capable leadership but struggle with feeling hypervigilant to potential threats, overly responsible for the well-being of others, and uncomfortable asking for help.
- The Protector
Children step into the role of protector to defend a parent and/or younger sibling from verbal and/or physical abuse by the dominant narcissist. These children may be driven to try to protect family members because of their own experience with scapegoating, or they may become scapegoats in the family system as a result of standing up to abuse. As adults, children who have faced the aggression of abusers may become fierce and compassionate advocates for justice and the disadvantaged. But they often struggle to recognize their limitations, vulnerability and need for support. 4. Telling the Truth
Children who recognize and attempt to talk about family dysfunction (e.g., inequality, anger, neglect, and boundary violations) are trying to resolve the cognitive dissonance between their experience of reality and the denials and distortions imposed on them by their parents or emotionally manipulative parents. Like mothers-in-law, children who tell the truth in narcissistic homes may be driven to question the family system because they are scapegoated, or they may be the target of scapegoats because their awareness is seen as a threat. Truthtellers who are intelligent, wise, or even insightful can be powerful social analysts, writers, justice fighters, and whistleblowers. But seeing more than others see can also leave them vulnerable to frustration, loneliness, and resentment from others who prefer to deny difficult truths. 5. Perfectionism/Achievement
Children who are seen as scapegoats may try to gain approval, avoid criticism, and refute negative narratives about themselves through patterns of perfectionism and high achievement. Such efforts may earn them recognition or exemption from negative attention, but often little is acknowledged or appreciated for what the scapegoat does in the family. Perfectionists/achievers, who are often motivated, intelligent, and talented, may develop great abilities, but they tend to struggle with a harsh inner critic, a need for control, and unrealistic standards for themselves and others.
- Rebels
Family scapegoats may react to the injustice surrounding their role by adopting a pattern of persistent rebellion against forms of control and authority in general. Unable to get their needs met or process their frustrations in healthy ways, they compensate for their feelings of helplessness through defiant behavior. Like family truthtellers, rebels are often driven by a desire for justice and can be powerful fighters for a cause. But they can be aimless and self-destructive unless they recognize the source of their anger and find constructive ways to focus their energy.
- Fallouts
Some children who are scapegoated suffer from such severe neglect and abuse, with few sources of support to build resilience, that they fail to thrive and become mentally unstable, chronically ill, suicidal, institutionalized, homeless, addicted, and/or incarcerated. As adults, they may go through a trajectory of low functioning, recurring crises, or breakdowns that tragically end in early death from illness, addiction, suicide, or violence. Children who are different in some way, such as homosexual or neurotypical, are often the target of excessive victimization, both within their families and society as a whole.
- The Covert Narcissist
Of the roles of children in a narcissistic family, the entitled and involved golden child is the most likely to develop a narcissistic personality. However, victimization by a scapegoat can also lead to narcissism, especially in the covert form. Victimized children who become narcissists are often trained to submit to the dominance of a parent (and possibly a sibling) who is more overtly narcissistic and as a result learn to mask their anger, superiority, and desire for control in passive aggression. In adulthood, covert narcissists often identify their scapegoats as victims and may use this to gain sympathy while subjecting others to the neglect and abuse they experienced growing up.
The Path to Healing
The experience of familial scapegoating can be extremely traumatic and devastating to self-esteem and identity development. But there can be beneficial aspects to this role: the scapegoat is often empathetic, independent-minded, capable, and committed to justice. His or her outsider status can work to his or her advantage by prompting him or her to question the family system and establish independence from it, steps necessary to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma, and work toward healing.
The path to healing for the scapegoat is to establish safety and stability, build self-esteem and healthy boundaries, and replace compulsive coping patterns with self-awareness, self-compassion, and reciprocal relationships.
