What makes someone the perfect victim?
It’s an important question to consider if we don’t want to make ourselves a moving target.
Of course, the person who seeks to abuse and manipulate is the only one who is at fault.
No one wants to be taken advantage of, but that doesn’t mean we can’t do things to protect ourselves.
It all starts with taking a closer look at the traits that manipulators might focus on.
As we’ll see, many of these traits are positive, yet manipulators can twist them to their advantage.
Let’s take a look at them.
1) Trusting Nature
Some of us are deeply suspicious, even cynical when it comes to others.
That’s no way to live. Research shows that suspicion and mistrust can seriously impact our relationships.
At the same time, studies highlight a whole host of benefits that come with a trusting nature, including higher intelligence, better health, and overall life satisfaction.
But as Psychology Today reminds us, you might be too trusting.
“Some people are unusually inclined to trust others even when there are clear signs that they are untrustworthy. This is often attributed to personality traits such as high levels of friendliness or openness.”
Unfortunately, being unquestionably trustful can mean that you are more likely to believe lies and manipulation tactics used against you.
You may ignore red flags and warning signs, making yourself an easier target.
Trust is a positive thing, as long as it doesn’t creep into naivety.
2) A caring and empathetic heart
Ultimately, manipulators get to people by playing on their emotions.
So it stands to reason that the more sensitive, kind, and understanding you are, the easier it is for them to do so.
They look for people who want to help and who are willing to offer themselves to do so.
3) Not being cautious
Vulnerability is vital to our relationships.
We are told all the time by experts who remind us that deep, meaningful relationships depend on it.
However, there is a balance to be struck.
The amount of ourselves and the emotions we reveal should always be proportionate.
It takes time to get to know someone.
That’s why trust is built slowly. We learn whether someone is reliable and honest through their consistent actions.
In the meantime, we don’t need to build walls, but it helps to be careful not to rush things.
Some people fall victim to manipulation in romantic relationships because they’re so desperate for a fairy tale.
They want a happily ever after and try to shorten it. But falling hard leaves them exposed while still wearing their rose-colored glasses.
They let their guard down because it feels good. But they stumble into love-bombing actions that later prove to be insincere.
4) Tolerance for mistakes
It’s one thing to give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s quite another to not draw a line in the sand.
I’ve struggled to navigate this distinction for many years.
I like to think of myself as an understanding person. The more we seek to see the best in people, the more we can appreciate where they’re coming from.
But this can create a slippery slope where we end up putting up with behaviors we shouldn’t.
Here are two important things I learned the hard way through my abuse:
We need to know when to forgive, and when to do so while continuing to walk away. This requires clear and defined boundaries.
5) Having Unstable Boundaries
Some of the traits on our list like trust, introspection, and caring are positive traits that we understandably don’t want to give up.
And we don’t need to as long as we have the support to protect ourselves in the form of healthy boundaries.
I like to think of them as the emotional gatekeepers who kick troublemakers out of the club.
They’re the bad cop who won’t tolerate any bullshit and who supports the good cop.
Without them, you might struggle to say no and set boundaries with others.
That’s why manipulators look for individuals who are unable to assert themselves and set healthy boundaries.
As therapist Edwin Bly reminds us:
“Boundaries serve as a set of guidelines that define how you expect to be treated and how you will treat others. They serve as a framework for healthy interactions and help protect you from manipulation, abuse, and toxic dynamics.”
6) Low Self-Esteem
Unfortunately, manipulators sniff out people they believe will be most vulnerable to their deception. This often means people with a weaker self-image.
It’s easier to control someone who lacks self-confidence and self-esteem.
It doesn’t take much to create self-doubt in them for the manipulator to gain the upper hand.
As author and life coach Darlene Ouimet points out, “Controlling, abusive, and manipulative people don’t question themselves. They don’t ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else.”
When you have low self-esteem, you’re more likely to take the blame and think you’re the problem.
7) People-pleasing
Whenever we need approval, it puts us at the mercy of others.
Some people will go to great lengths to please others, even at the expense of themselves.
Manipulators use this fear of rejection to control and coerce their victims.
If you seek the bulk of your validation outside of yourself, you also likely have people-pleasing tendencies.
There are several ways that people-pleasing tends to backfire, one of which is exposing yourself to manipulation.
Not only that, some experts argue that people-pleasing itself can be considered a form of manipulation.
Why?
“We manage our anxiety that people won’t like us by trying to control their opinions of us,” says developmental psychologist Sasha Haynes, Ph.D. 8) History of Abuse and Manipulation
Sometimes the roles of victim and perpetrator come so easily because they’re so well-practiced.
For example, research has highlighted that trauma survivors are at greater risk of future abuse.
It may seem strange, but we subconsciously seek to identify with ourselves, even when it’s not a positive experience.
Because we recognize it, it makes us feel safe in some ways because we know what to expect.
Trauma-informed social worker and psychotherapist Joanna Iwona Botkanska says it becomes a habit.
Some people will go to great lengths to please others, even at their own expense.
Manipulators use this fear of rejection to control and coerce their victims.
If you seek the bulk of your validation outside of yourself, you’re likely to also have people-pleasing tendencies.
There are many ways in which people-pleasing tends to backfire, one of which is exposing yourself to manipulation.
Not only that, but some experts argue that people-pleasing itself can be considered a form of manipulation.
Why?
“We manage our anxiety that people won’t like us by trying to control their opinions of us,” says developmental psychologist Sasha Haynes, Ph.D.
8) History of abuse and manipulation
Sometimes the roles of victim and perpetrator come so easily because they’re so well-practiced.
For example, research has highlighted how trauma survivors are at greater risk for future abuse.
As strange as it may seem, we subconsciously seek to identify with ourselves, even when it’s not a positive experience.
Because we’re aware of it, it makes us feel safe in some ways because we know what to expect.
It becomes a habit, says trauma-informed social worker and psychotherapist Joanna Iwona Potkanska.
