Our mothers are the foundation of our first connection with the world. As children, we learn from her example how to relate to others. We derive our primary sense of self-worth from how we are cared for, cared for, protected, and protected from harm.
A mother’s ability to provide us with healthy attachment, be attuned to our emotions, validate our pain, and meet our basic needs has a fundamental influence on our development, attachment styles, and emotional regulation (Brumario & Kearns, 2010). When this initial connection to psychological violence is distorted, it can leave scars that can take a lifetime to heal. Emotional and verbal abuse by a parent can hinder learning, memory, decision-making, and impulse control in adulthood; It can also increase our risk for anxiety, suicidal ideation, addiction, and depression (Bremner, 2006; Teicher, 2006; Bromario and Kearns, 2008).
An abusive, narcissistic mother exposes her daughters and sons to inevitable danger due to the nature of her disorder. Her insatiable need for control, excessive sense of entitlement, staggering lack of empathy, tendency toward interpersonal exploitation, and constant need for attention override the well-being of her children (McBride, 2013).
Not only does the narcissistic mother fail to protect us early on from the horrors of the outside world, she becomes the source of our terror. Instead of affection, we are exposed to unhealthy attachment, chronic anger, and flagrant breaking of boundaries. Narcissistic parenting distorts our perception of ourselves. Instead of attaining the essential elements of healthy self-esteem, we internalize a nagging inner critic and a constant feeling of self-doubt (Walker, 2013).
The narcissistic mother’s erratic shifting of emotions, her always conditional love, her constant slander tactics, and her cruel comparisons frighten us, creating a constant feeling of anxiety where there should be safety and security.
What toxic parents have in common is their inability to provide a safe, nurturing, and loving environment for their children. If they are narcissistic abusers, they lack empathy and sometimes even conscience. This type of cruel behavior has a detrimental effect on our early development as well as the way we navigate the world as adults.
The narcissistic mother practices the following toxic behaviors:
- She chronically shames her children.
Shaming is a tactic used by a narcissistic mother to ensure that her children never develop a stable sense of identity or self-esteem to ensure that they never grow independent enough outside of seeking her approval or approval. She shames her children for not achieving enough academically, socially, professionally, and personally. She shames them for their choice of career, partner, friends, lifestyle, way of dressing, personality, preferences – all of this and more falls under the narcissistic mother’s watch. She shames her children into behaving in any way because it threatens her sense of control and power. By doing so, she instills in them the feeling that they will never be good enough, no matter what they achieve.
- She makes harmful comparisons between her children and their peers.
Like any narcissist, the narcissistic mother engages in creating triangles between her children and even their peers. She destructively compares her children to their peers, teaching them that they fall short in terms of appearance, personality, obedient behavior, and achievements. It unfairly pits two or more siblings against each other, always asking, why can’t you be like your sister or brother? It sparks competition, drama and chaos. You may make one child a golden child (point excessively at him) while making the other a scapegoat. This form of currency devaluation can leave a painful mark; She makes her children compare themselves to others as a way to evaluate their self-worth. - She treats her children as an extension of herself.
The narcissistic mother micromanages and exercises an excessive level of control over the way her children act and how they are viewed by the public. Her children are things and must be clean and polished in every way, so that neither their reputation nor their appearance tarnish hers. Although she criticizes and treats them with disdain behind closed doors, in public she shows her children as if they were prized possessions. She brags about how little Timmy always is and how adorable Stacey is the prettiest little girl in town. However, behind closed doors, she pounces on Timmy, berating him about what he hasn’t accomplished yet and weighing in on Stacey’s weight.
- She competes with her children, disrupts their transition to adulthood, and crosses sexual boundaries.
It is common for narcissistic mothers to compete with their children, especially their daughters. The narcissistic mother is likely to overestimate her appearance and sexual prowess. Narcissistic females display internalized misogyny and often view other females as competitors. Thus the daughter is viewed with anger, jealousy and envy and her offspring are viewed as a threat.
As a result, she may devalue her daughter’s appearance, criticize her body, and shame her. On the other hand, some narcissistic mothers will objectify their daughters and demand physical perfection. She may subject her daughters to inappropriate discussions about sex or flaunt her body, emphasizing the value of appearance. Perhaps she teaches her daughters and sons that women derive their value from their bodies and their ability to satisfy men sexually. If the narcissistic mother has histrionic tendencies, she may even seduce her children’s friends to show her superiority over her younger rivals.
In other cultures where sexuality is more restricted, a narcissistic mother may instead try to stifle her daughters’ sexual activity and punish her for being less than abstinent. She may fail to provide her daughters with proper education regarding sex and their body development.
- Obsession with external matters at the expense of the child’s needs.
For the narcissistic mother, appearances are everything. She may create a false image of being a kind, loving, and charitable person to others, while gossiping about others, engaging in petty acts, and abusing her children emotionally, physically, or even sexually. She enjoys the social status of being a mother without doing the actual work of mothering.
She flaunts her children without properly caring for their basic emotional and psychological needs. For her, how things appear is much more important than how they actually are. Depending on her social class, a narcissistic mother may enlist the help of others to care for her children, while neglecting to give her children affection or attention when they are around her, treating them as a nuisance rather than as human beings. She may even be so cruel and cold that she refuses to touch her children altogether.
