While words may not be able to cause physical harm, they can harm the soul and have long-lasting effects. In many cases, the cumulative effects of hurtful words can cause more harm than physical pain.
My wife and I have been through quite a few arguments in the time we’ve been married. Sometimes, in our anger and frustration, we hurl words at each other that we don’t really mean.
While we quickly forget what we were arguing about, the feelings of hurt and betrayal caused by toxic statements and words tend to stay with us longer. Sometimes for years.
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These words, like poison, tend to erode the trust and intimacy that are at the core of our relationships.
8 Toxic phrases that destroy relationships
- “If you feel this way, maybe we should get a divorce.”
Otherwise known as: “We’re just staying together for the kids,” or “I’m just biding my time.”
Several years ago, my wife (then fiancé) and I had the opportunity to visit some friends out of town. While having dinner at the home of this young couple, we witnessed an argument between them. I don’t remember who, but someone said these fatal words: “If you feel this way, maybe we should get a divorce.”
I cringed inside because my fiancé and I had already agreed to never use the “D-word” to threaten each other. After all, we understood how those words could threaten the sense of trust and security in our marriage. A few years later, the wife divorced her husband.
Words like these are often used in the heat of an argument, and the person saying them usually doesn’t want a divorce. Oftentimes, they try to express frustration over their inability to resolve a particular conflict. But having an unresolved conflict (or two or three) doesn’t make you incompatible.
Marriage consists of two individuals who each bring their values, ideas, and ways of doing things. Many conflicts involving these differences will never be resolved. Compromising or agreeing to disagree may be the only solution you can reach on some of these issues. Instead of feeling like these differences and the conflicts they cause make you incompatible, try to understand where your husband is coming from and why he feels the way he does.
You could try saying something like this: “I feel hurt, angry, or abandoned and I struggle with wanting to be near you. I love you but I need some space. I will find you when I calm down.”
- “I hate you.”
Also known as: “I don’t love you anymore.”
I remember when my wife said this to me during a heated argument. I didn’t believe for a moment that she meant it, but it shook me to the core. She quickly apologized and reassured me of her love. But until I did, I was a complete wreck. I felt hurt and angry that she let those words slip, even in anger.
The good news is that once she apologized and made amends, those feelings were immediately replaced with relief and gratitude.
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- “This is stupid.”
Also known as: “You’re irrational.”
My husband and I don’t always see things the same way. Sometimes, I do something that seems irrational to her but makes perfect sense to me. Or she’ll do something that doesn’t make sense to me, but to her, it makes perfect sense. This is because we each bring different perspectives and values to our relationship. It’s always better when we work to understand each other’s points of view rather than rushing to judgment or taking offense.
- “Of course the man/woman would think so!”
Also known as: “stick to women’s work” or “it’s men’s work.”
Sometimes differences in our way of thinking lead to conflicts. Other times, there is a problem that has been around for a long time and then finally goes away. One of us was having a hard day that had nothing to do with each other, but we took it out on each other. Empathy allows us to see through past emotional turmoil and work as a team to solve the problem or provide reassurance.
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- “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Sometimes we need a break from arguing to calm down. But when we completely refuse to address a problem in our marriage, it causes resentment and bitterness. Bad feelings and thoughts can simmer inside for a long time. The longer we allow these thoughts to persist, the more they sink into our subconscious perceptions of each other. This affects all our future interactions.
Instead, the best way to handle it is: “I’m not ready to talk about this right now. Let me take some time to calm down and think about it, and then we’ll talk.”
- “You’re just like your mom/dad.”
I never said this to my wife, but I thought about it. And it was never when I was in a charitable mood. It’s better to address the actual problem, rather than using some innuendo or vague insult.
- “Get off my case!”
Also known as: “Stop annoying me.”
If my wife takes issue with me about something, it’s because something needs to be resolved. Telling her to stop bothering me was not a good move at all. Instead, I usually apologize and try to change my behavior. I even asked her to keep reminding me because changing lifelong habits is not easy.
- “Just relax!”
Also known as: “Stop thinking about it.”
When my wife is upset, telling her to relax is not helpful. If she could, she would have already done so. She appreciates it when I ask her to tell me what’s bothering her, and reassures her as best I can. Knowing that I support her and empathize with her is a much better way to help her relax.
While these eight toxic phrases can cause a lot of damage to a relationship, there is good news if you’ve already used them. Studies conducted by the Gottman Institute show that healthy couples tend to have 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction.
The antidote to using these phrases is to be intentional about creating positive, uplifting moments between you and your spouse. A sincere apology, a warm hug, affirming words, and doing something fun together can go a long way in restoring friendship and intimacy.
