A coercive control relationship can leave a deep, damaging impression on the mind. While being physically free is easy, being emotionally and mentally healed is really not a very short process. But at the same time, it is not impossible for recovery to happen after a controlling relationship.

It takes a long time to recover from an abusive and controlling relationship. Surveillance, isolation, stalking, and abuse leave their mark. The following are suggestions for people who have left a coercive controlling relationship. People who are still in such a relationship should seek help from a domestic violence advocate, even if there was no physical violence involved.

But after a breakup—before they can feel completely okay again—victims/survivors need to focus on recovery. I have organized these suggested activities under the acronym RECOVERY.

Here’s how you can recover from a controlling relationship

1. Restore activities that were prohibited by the abuser.

For example, Sharon’s partner doesn’t want her to walk alone. After the breakup, I felt a wave of liberation every time I put on my walking shoes.

2. Incarnate.
   Being kind to one’s body through physical activity and eating well helps a person feel better all around. In a controlling relationship, many people become detached from their physical selves.

For example, Pat had no choice about when to have sex nor about what food to prepare for the family. Walking, yoga, dancing, lifting weights, stretching, hopping on the radio – all of these things can help survivors feel alive again.

Related: Why It’s Okay To Cut Off Toxic Family Members From Your Life

3. Connect with family, friends, and supportive professionals.
   Abusers deliberately separate their victims from others. Reconnecting with their social circle helps survivors regain support and a sense of themselves.

Abby’s husband made it difficult for her to visit her parents and complained every time she was on the phone with friends. Over time, she became more and more dependent on him for all her social contacts and her self-esteem plummeted. After they broke up, Abby discovered that her loved ones were eager to spend time with her again.

Psychotherapists also provide important support to survivors and help them face future challenges. To be effective with survivors, therapists must understand the concept of coercive control—which is still a new idea to many.

4. Organizing time and physical space can help a person feel less overwhelmed.
   After Katrina left with her kids, all the possessions she managed to grab were in plastic bags, and I despaired of ever feeling “normal” again.

Arranging her belongings in labeled boxes in the shelter room helped her feel more settled. She noticed her kids responded positively to the more organized living space, too. The daily routine also helps regulate one’s emotional life.

5. Pronunciation.
   Sharing the real story of the relationship — in ways that feel right — can be empowering. Some survivors start by keeping a diary in which they can be honest with themselves. Then they talk with select friends and family who they know will be supportive. Telling a true story helps survivors deal with their feelings and may also have positive practical effects.

For example, when Carla explained her situation at home, her boss became more assertive about denying her ex access to the workplace and not giving him any information over the phone regarding Carla’s whereabouts.

Related The Narcissist’s One Trick That Can Keep Us Hooked Forever

6. Expressing oneself creatively.
   dance. fee. Gardens. singing. Many victims shut down creatively during a coercively controlling relationship, and are busy fulfilling their partner’s every demand. Releasing one’s creative side can be a step on the road to recovery.

When her abusive relationship ended, Chris began drawing cartoons and then repainted her apartment in vibrant colours. She loved choosing the paint herself and – room by room – because she used the roller which felt like covering up bad memories and reclaiming the space as “her own” in a new way.

7. Remember.
   Some survivors compile a list of control incidents they have experienced. The list helps them appreciate what they’ve been through and realize their strength. They can be proud of the courage they have shown, and aspire to a full life as a free person.

Greg kept a list on his computer. He added to it because he remembered the arbitrary incidents. After a few months, he printed out the list, read it, and began to appreciate how much he was being controlled by his partner. Reviewing the list strengthened his gratitude for being free and his determination to never let himself get back into a relationship again.

8. You.
   Survivors need to learn to put themselves at the center of their lives. After organizing their time around the demands of their abusers, it can be difficult for survivors to even remember their own opinions and desires. Abusers convince their victims that their opinions are stupid and wrong, prompting victims to change the way they view themselves and the world.

Stark (2007) has referred to this omission of the victim perspective in the coercive control relationship as “perspective killing.” Survivors often hear the critic’s voice in their heads. It is important to learn to replace this sound with a gentle one.

When Maria finally convinces her boyfriend to move out, she initially feels lost without him. She felt as if she wasn’t herself and didn’t remember how she once lived without her boyfriend’s constant demands and presence.

Over time, she rediscovered her views and took up the hobbies she once loved. She begins to enjoy spending time alone and with friends and family, without having to constantly check for her boyfriend’s approval.

It is normal for survivors to feel fear and regret from time to time. Looking forward gives them hope. It is usually best for survivors to separate themselves as much as possible from the controlling person and their acquaintances, so they cannot be controlled or monitored by another person (of course, this will require a different kind of planning if they are involving young children).

Survivors can look forward to a fulfilling life after ending a coercive controlling relationship. Healing doesn’t happen overnight but over time – it happens.