Narcissists are masters of the guilt trip. Narcissists have a set of rules for you in the relationship, which they do not apply to their behavior, which leads to emotional abuse. Here are eight signs that you are in a relationship with a narcissist:
1. Changing your mind is an insult to them.
“You said you’d go to the movies at 6 p.m. But now you say you’ll go at 8 p.m. How can you change plans like that?” Because you have this wonderful thing called free will. A person has the right to change his mind at any time and for any reason. When you change your mind about something, it makes the narcissist feel out of control. They will try to regain control through silent treatment, guilt trips, and so-called gaslighting, which you will read about later.
2. They completely deny what they said or did, and it makes you wonder if you’re crazy.
You could have sworn the narcissist told you they were picking Johnny up from school today. I checked with them again. But now the narcissist says they never told you anything like that. Maybe I just imagined it, you think. You begin to question your version of reality.
Even if you have conclusive proof that the narcissist said or did something, he will tell you that you misunderstood, or he will blatantly lie and say it never happened. One of the ways narcissists control is by making you constantly question your sanity. What better way to control you than by implying (or telling you outright) that you’re crazy?
This phenomenon of denying or changing the truth is called “gaslighting,” and is a hallmark of the narcissist. It is named after the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she is going crazy. One way he does this is by dimming the gas lamps in their house and then shining a light on them. When his wife reminds him to change the lights, he claims he has no idea what she is talking about.
3. They seem charming and nice to everyone.
Narcissists like to look good and have their behavior perceived as good. However, behind closed doors, it’s another story. You feel as if no one sees the real person you are with. In couples therapy, your therapist may not believe that the narcissist is who he says he is. Remember, narcissists are masters of manipulation.
4. They will try to bring you back if you leave.
What a narcissist fears most is abandonment. The narcissist wants attention – it doesn’t matter whether the attention is good or bad. If you try to contact the narcissist or show him that you are upset by the silent treatment, he feeds this concern. If you ignore the silent treatment, the narcissist will try to get you back. This is sometimes referred to as “wandering”, as in emptiness. The narcissist will become so powerful that you are now back in the same relationship dynamic. This happy encounter will eventually be replaced by an even worse explosion than before.
5. They are not only frugal but stingy. Except when they buy something for themselves.
The narcissist tells you that he doesn’t have enough money to give you a big Christmas gift this year. Then you see that they have a bunch of new clothes in their wardrobe. They expect you to pay for entertainment when the two of you go out – and if you don’t pay, they guilt trip you and tell you about all the times they paid for an activity. You reluctantly pull out your wallet again, because you don’t want to deal with the negative reaction you know is coming if you confront the narcissist.
6. They give you gifts that make you scratch your head.
The narcissist will give you a birthday gift that has nothing to do with your interests. The gift they give you is so out of touch with reality that you wonder if your gift got mixed up with someone else’s. The gift looks like something that was just pulled off a shelf somewhere without much thought. These gifts are given when it is just you and the narcissist at home. If you get a gift in front of other people, it might be an expensive gift that you both know you can’t afford. Remember, a narcissist likes to look good in front of others.
7. Your vacation is usually ruined.
Your partner/spouse seems to get very annoyed with you or disappears right before major holidays, like Christmas. You can’t even remember what the fight was about, but it was a big fight. In your mind, you replay over and over what you may have done to upset the narcissist. The truth is, you probably haven’t done anything at all.
Narcissists hate focusing on themselves, I was too busy with holiday parties at work and in social organizations (as I should be). Narcissists also have difficulty with what they consider to be a happy partner/spouse who is independent of them. And now you spend your vacation wondering where the narcissist went and blaming yourself for it.
8. They tell everyone you’re crazy.
Do you remember how the narcissist told you that all his ex-boyfriends were crazy, and how they ended up with someone stable (you)? Now you find out through friends and relatives that your ex is telling them that you are crazy. Since everyone finds them charming (see #3 above), you worry that these people will believe the narcissist over you. You may also have friends or relatives who side with the narcissist. You’ll discover that these are the people you didn’t want around you anyway. Your true friends know the truth. This narcissistic behavior becomes more likely after a fight or if your relationship ends.
