It’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever face.
You’re in a relationship with someone who seems perfect, or at least it was at first. But something’s not quite right.
You’ve tried to understand, you’ve done everything you can to make things work, but it’s like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces.
Sometimes it’s just not clear.
You can’t shake that nagging feeling that there’s more beneath the surface, even if your heart, mind, or body is telling you otherwise.
Here’s how to recognize the telltale signs that you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, according to psychology, even if it may shatter your perception of reality.
This is your guide to spotting the overlooked but important signs that will help you understand why your relationship isn’t working out the way it should.
1) You’re constantly questioning yourself
We’ve all had moments of self-doubt.
It’s normal to question your decisions and actions from time to time.
But you see when you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it becomes your daily reality.
You constantly doubt yourself, feeling uncertain about your actions, thoughts, and feelings.
You start to believe that you’re in the wrong, even when you’re not.
Being with a covert narcissist can cause you to lose confidence in your judgment. This isn’t just an occasional bout of self-doubt, but a constant state of confusion.
When you start feeling this way, it’s time to take a hard look at your relationship and the person you’re with.
2) You’re Always Feeling Defensive
Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist is like living in a constant state of defense.
It seems like no matter what you do, it’s never enough. Every word and every action is scrutinized and criticized.
Some days, you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, afraid that you’ll say or do the wrong thing and start another round of criticism.
Even the simplest conversations turn into arguments. The peace and harmony that should exist in a relationship are replaced by tension and conflict.
And the worst part?
You start to believe that you’re the one causing all of these problems. This constant feeling of being on the defensive is exhausting and toxic.
When your relationship starts to feel less like a haven and more like a battleground, it’s time to reevaluate who you’re sharing your life with.
3) Your Accomplishments Are Minimized
I remember when I got a big promotion at work. I was so happy, so excited, and so proud.
Honestly, I couldn’t wait to share the news.
But the reaction I got was far from what I expected. Instead of being happy for me, my partner seemed indifferent, even dismissive.
They quickly ignored my accomplishment, shifted the focus to themselves, or attacked my accomplishment until they felt like it wasn’t anything special.
It was like my success was a threat to them. Instead of feeling celebrated, I felt small and insignificant.
This wasn’t a one-time thing either.
Every time I accomplished something, no matter how big or small, it was met with the same indifference or criticism.
This could be a sign that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
Ultimately, it’s their way of maintaining control and keeping you in your place.
4) They Never Let You Win an Argument
You might think that in a fair and healthy relationship, both parties would have an equal chance of winning an argument.
But when you’re with a covert narcissist, that rarely happens.
They have this uncanny ability to twist any disagreement in their favor, no matter how right you are.
The truth is, it’s like playing a rigged game where you’re guaranteed to lose every time.
Even when you come armed with facts and logic, they somehow manage to turn the tables, leaving you feeling defeated and questioning your sanity.
Now, this is a classic tactic used by covert narcissists known as emotional manipulation. It’s their way of manipulating the situation and keeping you under their control.
5) They Always Play the Victim
Another sign that you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist is that whenever things go wrong, they always have a way of turning themselves into the victim.
Even if they are wrong, they manage to twist the situation to make it seem like they are the ones who were wronged.
RELATED:9 incredibly subtle forms of manipulation in a relationship, according to psychology
In every disagreement or conflict, they somehow manage to portray themselves as the victim, and before you know it, you are the one apologizing.
It is a masterful act of manipulation that leaves you feeling guilty and confused.
And what do you expect?
They never take responsibility for their actions. It is always someone else’s fault.
Constantly playing the victim is a clear sign of a covert narcissist. It is their way of escaping accountability and keeping you in a state of guilt and confusion.
When you always feel like you’re the bad guy, it’s time to step back and reevaluate your relationship.
6) Your needs are always secondary
I remember when I first realized my (ex) partner was a covert narcissist.
It was my birthday, and instead of doing something I wanted to do, we ended up doing what they preferred. It seemed like a small thing at the time.
But then, it became a pattern.
My needs, wants, and desires were always secondary to theirs. It was always about them—their needs, their preferences, their comfort.
In other words, I felt invisible, like my needs didn’t matter. It was like I was an accessory in their life, not an equal partner.
Just think about it.
When your needs are constantly being sidelined for the sake of your partner, it could be a sign that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
After all, they have a way of making everything about them and pushing you to the sidelines.
7) They Lack Empathy
One thing that struck me was how little empathy my ex showed.
It didn’t matter if I was upset, hurt, or having a bad day. Their responses were always cold, detached, and almost robotic.
It was like they couldn’t or simply didn’t want to understand my feelings. Even when I tried to express my feelings, they seemed more annoyed than concerned.
Over time, I realized that their inability to empathize wasn’t limited to me. They seemed indifferent to the feelings of others as well.
This lack of empathy is a common trait among covert narcissists. They are often so immersed in their world that they fail to recognize or understand the feelings of others.
I know it’s a harsh reality to face, but it’s an important reality to acknowledge.
8) You Feel Exhausted and Tired
Last but not least, being in a relationship with a covert narcissist is exhausting.
It’s not just the constant arguments, the endless criticism, or always having to put their needs before yours.
It’s the mental and emotional toll it takes on you. You feel like you’re constantly on the edge, and you don’t have time or energy for yourself.
You start to lose sight of who you are, your self-esteem suffers, and you find yourself feeling sad more often.
As a result, this constant state of exhaustion and depletion is a clear sign that something is wrong.
Final Reflection
If you see yourself in these signs, you’re likely in a relationship with a covert narcissist.
But there’s a silver lining—this realization doesn’t have to hold you back.
With understanding and conscious effort, you can take back control of your life. The first step is to acknowledge and accept what’s happening.
Start by thinking about the patterns that have emerged in your relationship. Notice when you question your actions or opinions, or when you’re constantly on the defensive.
Ask yourself—Is this relationship enriching my life? Do I feel loved and respected? Is my emotional well-being taken into account?
It won’t happen overnight. Change is a process.
But with continued reflection, you can begin to set boundaries and demand respect. Every act of standing up for yourself builds self-esteem and courage.
When we prioritize our self-worth and well-being, we create space for healthier relationships. Our emotional capacity is replenished.
So, be compassionate and patient with yourself during this journey.
