Navigating our parental relationships can be a difficult and emotional ordeal, often leaving us grappling with feelings of defeat or anxiety. Throughout our lives, we may find ourselves wondering whether the bonds we formed with our parents promote emotional well-being or are toxic.
Katie Morton, LMFT, a well-known marriage and family therapist who covers a wide range of mental health topics on her popular YouTube channel, offers insight into some of the subtle signs your mother may be a narcissist.
Related: The Obvious Sign Of A Narcissistic Father You Probably Feel Too Guilty To Notice
8 Signs of a narcissistic mother
- She treats you as an extension of herself.
A big sign that you are dealing with a narcissistic mother is when they treat you like an object, rather than an individual with your own desires. Your accomplishments, no matter how great, are because of her hard work, not yours.
Have you recently graduated from school and found a successful job? Well, thanks to her hard work raising you, she was able to achieve these goals. Have you settled down, gotten married or had children recently? The narcissistic mother will believe that because of her hard work raising you, she was able to find a good partner and settle down.
Moreover, if you dare to step out of line and pursue your own goals or desires, she may react with anger, because your goals do not align with hers. The narcissistic mother will feel as if your life’s purpose is to satisfy her needs and desires, putting your own aspirations in the backseat.
- Your mother takes criticism but cannot handle any criticism herself.
Narcissistic mothers are known to be very critical when it comes to their children. From your appearance, achievements, and daily efforts, you may feel as if you will never be good enough in the eyes of the narcissistic mother. Whether you are satisfied with your accomplishments or your efforts, the narcissistic mother will always find fault and give you unsolicited advice.
For example, let’s say you get a B in a difficult course. The narcissistic mother may scold you for not getting an A, ignoring your hard work and effort. However, let’s say you criticize her over one little thing. Maybe you’re calling her out on her habit of criticizing your appearance. The narcissistic mother will become defensive and play the victim, thus deflecting any criticism away from herself.
She will react and insist that she is only being honest and interested. After all, what kind of mother would she be if she allowed her child to walk out looking like “a mess!”
- Share private information about yourself with others.
Sharing personal information with a narcissistic mother can often cause anxiety. These mothers don’t care much about boundaries and will share your embarrassing secrets or personal information with your entire family. This breach of trust can cause children to feel betrayed and distrust their mother.
Which in turn can manifest in mental health disorders such as anxiety or depression. Our parents are supposed to be the people we can trust the most. So, when we can’t, it will make many children feel helpless and stuck.
- She takes basic parental duties over your head.
For example, a narcissistic mother might say something like, “I put a roof over your head” to make you feel ungrateful.
However, it is important to note that providing basic needs is a parent’s responsibility, and using them as a way to make you feel bad, is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation.
- She doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Narcissistic mothers often fail to understand and respect your boundaries. These mothers will violate your privacy and ignore your feelings in the process.
For example, let’s say you put your diary in a drawer, but she discovers it while putting away clothes. The narcissistic mother, instead of respecting your privacy, will read your deep thoughts and then feel insulted by what you write about.
This, in turn, can make you feel unable to trust your mother and even make you anxious over time.
- She constantly tells you that you remember things wrong.
Narcissistic mothers will use techniques such as gaslighting to manipulate your perception of reality. By doing so, they may make you question your memory and distort your past traumas to cast themselves in a positive light.
Maybe you can mention that time she hit or slapped you for misbehaving. The narcissistic mother will insist that it never happened or that you are simply “exaggerating.” Over time, this type of manipulation can leave you feeling confused and doubting your self-confidence.
- She is always competing with you.
As you grow older and develop your own identity, you may find your narcissistic mother becoming increasingly jealous and competitive. She may try to outdo you in appearance and accomplishments, making you feel inferior.
We have all seen the videos where a mother wears white to her daughter’s wedding. These behaviors are driven by jealousy and a desire to elevate herself at your expense.
It’s important to remember that if the people in your life can’t handle your success and constantly turn everything into a competition, it’s helpful to set personal boundaries.
- She is always the victim.
When a narcissistic mother confronts her toxic behavior, she often shifts into victim mode. She may start crying hysterically, and imagine herself as a victim in this situation. Instead of taking responsibility, the narcissistic mother will blame external factors for her behavior.
