We’ve all encountered it: the self-proclaimed “nice” guy who suddenly reveals himself as a needy narcissist, a jealous jerk, or a passive-aggressive player. Or, if you’re really unfortunate, a combination of all three.
So how do you know if the guy you just started dating is really good or just a dick?
“You want to observe patterns,” says therapist and relationship expert Julie Hanks, Ph.D., owner and director of Wasatch Family Therapy in Salt Lake City, Utah, and author of The Burnout Cure. “We all act in unhealthy or manipulative ways from time to time, but it’s a problem when there are fixed patterns of behavior that don’t seem quite right.”
Here are eight warning signs that there’s an unkind man lurking beneath the surface:
- He says things in a nice way
“If he says unkind or hurtful things to you in a nice voice, or in the name of ‘I’m just being honest,’ that’s still mean,” Hanks says. “Or, if he makes a hurtful or belittling comment and then laughs and says, ‘I was just kidding!'” Why take things so seriously? He’s probably just being an idiot in disguise.
- He shouts when you are busy
“You might be flattered that he wants to spend every free moment with you,” Hanks says. “But how does he respond when you’re not available? A great man will be able to express that he’s disappointed and that he’ll miss you. The masked fool will frown and give you the cold shoulder or make you feel guilty for choosing someone else over him.
- He keeps buying you nice things…and that’s not really your style
If he’s buying you lavish gifts that don’t quite match your look, there may be reason to question his motives. “He might be an idiot trying to change your appearance under the guise of generosity,” Hanks says.
- He turns to you in all his decisions
This may seem very thoughtful at first, but Hanks says it could actually be a big red flag.
“If he always wants you to decide things — where to go and what to do — that’s a warning sign,” she says. “Healthy people are able to express their own desires as well as consider their date or girlfriend’s input. If someone agrees with everything you think, say, or do, they are either not being honest or don’t have a good idea of who they are, and they may be looking to you to support them or inflate their value.” Subjectivity.
- He talks trash about his ex-girlfriends
This is a bit like that advice about never dating a cheater. “If he’s really nice to you, but talks badly about his ex-girlfriends and blames them for their breakup, he’ll probably talk badly about you and blame you, too, if things don’t work out,” Hanks says.
There are two sides to every story, and someone who portrays themselves as the victim in every breakup they’ve ever experienced is likely not telling the whole truth.
- He watches you
Communicating through little love letters and occasional check-ins when you’re apart can be an important part of a healthy relationship. But if he’s constantly watching you, “it could be a sign of jealousy and insecurity — even if he’s saying it in the name of love,” Hanks says.
- He has tense relationships with other women in his life
If he treats the other women in his life poorly, or talks about them in a disrespectful way, this is a clear indication that there is likely a jerk lurking beneath that pretty exterior. “If he has a pattern of strained, negative, or disconnected relationships with other women, but claims he’s in love with you, proceed with caution,” Hanks says.
- He shows no other emotions
No one feels nice all the time. Failure to express other emotions can be a major warning sign. “Excessive kindness can be a cover for an insecure sense of self and emotional neediness,” Hanks says. “Healthy adults can express a full range of emotions—happiness, anger, sadness, fear, surprise, shame—and they don’t need to hide behind a facade of kindness.”
