Key Points

Not all tantrums are narcissistic. There may be other factors at play, such as a chemical imbalance, head injury, etc.

Examples of narcissistic rage range from intense outbursts and sudden outbursts of anger, to passive-aggressive acts such as escalating resentment.

Narcissistic rage often occurs when the narcissist is not treated as the center of attention, even when there are other priorities.

“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” – Paramahansa Yogananda

Psychologist Steven Johnson writes that a narcissist is someone who has “buried his true self in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alter ego of the true self often appears inflated, “above others,” and self-interested.

Narcissistic rage can be defined as intense anger, aggression, or passive-aggression when the narcissist experiences a setback or disappointment, shattering his or her delusions of grandeur, entitlement, and superiority, and evoking internal inadequacy, shame, and vulnerability.

Examples of narcissistic rage range from intense outbursts and sudden outbursts of anger to passive-aggressive acts such as escalating resentment, icy silence, deliberate neglect, or biting sarcasm. What distinguishes narcissistic rage from normal anger is that it is usually unreasonable, disproportionate, and intensely aggressive (or extremely passive-aggressive), all because the narcissist’s desires and aspirations are not being met. It is a blow to their superficial, idealized self-image.

(It is important to note that not all rages are narcissistic. There may be other factors at play, such as a chemical imbalance, head injury, drugs, alcohol, etc.)

Here are eight scenarios in which narcissistic rage often occurs, with references from my books, How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists, and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Toward the Higher Self. Whether at home, at work, in social interactions, or everyday activities, narcissistic rage may occur when:

1. The narcissist doesn’t get what he or she wants, even when it’s unreasonable.
2. The narcissist is criticized in some way, even when criticism is delivered diplomatically, reasonably, and constructively.
3. The narcissist is not treated as the center of attention, even when other priorities are at play.
4. The narcissist is caught breaking rules, violating social norms, or ignoring boundaries.

“How dare you talk to me like that in front of my son!” – Angry customer criticized for blatantly cutting in line

5. The narcissist is asked to be accountable for his or her actions.
6. The narcissist takes a hit to his or her idealized, selfish self-image (such as when he or she is told that he or she will not be given an “exception to the rule” or “special treatment”).
7. The narcissist is reminded of his or her deception, manipulation, exploitation, incompetence, shame, or self-loathing.
8. The narcissist feels (fears) that he or she has no control over his or her relational or material environment.

In each of the above cases, narcissistic rage is used as a tool of manipulation from the outside, and a device to avoid pain from the inside. Like a spoiled child who throws a tantrum when he or she is not being cared for, the narcissist attempts to use his or her “rage” to force his or her targets (victims) to surrender. At the same time, the intense “drama” serves to distract the narcissist from his or her internal pain and inadequacy for not being constantly worshipped on a pedestal (narcissistic supply). The narcissist breaks down psychologically and emotionally at the prospect of not being “special,” “unique,” ​​or “above others.”

Devastating Consequences

The high price many narcissists pay for their “rage,” as well as their narcissistic behavior in general, may include one or more of the following:

1. Family Disintegration – Multiple studies have examined the relationship between narcissism and difficult family relationships.
2. Relationship Dissolution and Divorce – Research has also shown the tremendous negative impact that narcissism has on romantic relationships and marriage.
3. Breaking Up – Since narcissists “use” rather than “connect,” they tend to leave behind many broken relationships. Narcissists also break up relationships because others have let them down, disappointed them, lied to them, used them, manipulated them, violated them, exploited them, betrayed them, deceived them, humiliated them, were unfit, or ignored them.

4. Loneliness and Isolation – Due to the first three factors described above, most narcissists have few or no healthy, close, lasting relationships. Some high-functioning narcissists achieve external success in life – at the expense of others – and find themselves alone at the top.
5. Missed opportunities – due to lack of real substance and/or connection.
6. Financial, professional, or legal problems – due to rule-breaking, gross irresponsibility, indulgence, or other irresponsible behavior.
7. Damaged reputation – due to personal and/or professional lack of credibility, reliability, and trustworthiness.
8. Deep fear of rejection/insignificance – This is the core of narcissistic rage. Many narcissists are constantly haunted by their insecurities that people may not see them as the special, powerful, popular, or “special” individuals they portray themselves to be, and react violently when their fears are confirmed. Deep down, many narcissists feel like the “ugly duckling,” even if they don’t want to admit it.

Can a narcissist change for the better? Maybe. But only if he or she is fully aware and willing to undergo the courageous process of self-discovery. For narcissists who are no longer willing to play the role of a charade at the expense of authentic relationships and authenticity, there are ways to break free from the facade and gradually move toward the higher self. For those who live or work with narcissists, keen awareness and assertive communication are essential to healthy, mutually respectful relationships. See references below.