The passive-aggressive personality is undoubtedly the most frustrating personality type you will encounter.
By the time you realize someone is acting passive-aggressive, you already think you’re the one going crazy.
Passive-aggressive behavior is defined as “an indirect expression of hostility through passive methods.” So how can you spot a passive aggressive person and take control before they hurt you in their toxic behavior?
Learning to spot the signs of a passive aggressive personality is key. Here are eight of them:
- Sullen demeanor or pouting
Not talking about a problem is a very passive aggressive way of dealing with an issue. It gives a frowning person the upper hand through their silence, but they are actually not aggressive in nature. They simply remain calm, however, by not communicating, they hold power in the relationship. - Not completing the task
Colleagues who consistently fail to complete a task or keep making mistakes may be doing so on purpose so that they will not be asked again. The proper way to do this is to approach the boss and indicate that they feel the work is above their ability. - They say they’re fine, but they’re not
Have you ever had a friend who was always in a mood, and whenever you asked if he was okay they would say in a sad voice “Yeah, I’m fine” and then continue to be sad? Mature people open up about their feelings and don’t disappoint the rest of the group.
People with a passive aggressive personality don’t want you to help them, they want to be the center of attention.
- They are always late but blame others
If you’ve ever witnessed that employee who is always late but always rushes off, nervous, blaming everyone and everything for being late but themselves? This is passive aggressive behaviour.
Why? Because as a manager, you can’t stand the late bus assignment, the crying baby that kept them up all night, and all the other good reasons they gave. A good employee takes responsibility for being late.
- Forgetting to “do something”
Willfully forgetting to do something that puts you at a disadvantage is second nature to the passive-aggressive personality. This could be something as simple as leaving your name off the email list so you don’t get an important document and look unprofessional in the meeting.
Or she might forget to invite you to a work social event. Of course, the beauty is that you can never prove they forgot.
- They procrastinate
It is typical for a passive aggressive person to procrastinate if they do not want to do something. For most of us, the act of procrastination is a subconscious decision. We don’t realize that we procrastinate when we have a task to fulfill that we don’t want to do, and we find ourselves on social media instead.
For the passive aggressive personality, stalling is a very deliberate act. They will not complete a task until the last minute, making the person who requested the task pay.
- They give back compliments
You will never get a real compliment from a passive aggressive person. They might say, “That dress looks great on you! I don’t think I can get away with it, I’m so skinny.” or “Wow, that’s really too big for a starter home!” or “Well done on your promotion, it’s a shame our son didn’t qualify under the diversity program.”
A passive-aggressive person will always use your accomplishments as a way to bring theirs to your attention.
- They make sad statements
Finally, the last passive-aggressive behavior is when a person wants something but doesn’t ask for it in a direct way, instead, makes distressing statements and hopes that the other person will pick up on the clues.
For example, you are going on vacation and your friend says “I’ve always wanted to visit Venice but I can’t afford to travel.” This makes you feel guilty for having a holiday and not inviting your boyfriend.
A much better way to tell your girlfriend to ask is, “I love Venice, let me know when you plan to go again and maybe I can save up and come with you?”
Why do people become passive aggressive?
Let go of grudges
Why do some people approach conflict in a passive-aggressive manner and adopt the toxic behaviors described above? There can be many factors, including childhood experiences and personality traits. Here are some possible causes:
- They were not given the freedom to express themselves as children
Like most behavioral problems, we have to look back to our childhood. Experts believe that children who grew up in homes where it was not safe to express their natural frustration or anger may grow up with passive-aggressive disorder. For example, children with authoritarian, abusive, or narcissistic parents.
These children had learned very early on to use other channels to express their anger. As a result, as they grow older, they cannot face conflict in an open manner or express their feelings freely.
- They don’t have a good connection with their emotions
When you do not know how to release your emotions, especially negative ones, they poison you from within. Frustration and resentment build constantly and when they find no way out, being bitter and negative becomes your second nature. You have become a slave to your bottled feelings.
This is when you turn into a passive aggressive person and use this toxic behavior as the only way to get rid of all the negativity you have inside of you.
At the same time, it should be noted that passive aggressive behavior is characteristic not only of toxic personalities. Sometimes, kind people who don’t have a good connection with their feelings may have passive aggressive traits as well.
Some examples include emotionally detached individuals or people with very reserved personalities. In other words, people who struggle to express their feelings and communicate with others the way they feel.
- They are mentally weak
A mentally weak person cannot only face conflict, obstacles, and hardships. It is a very difficult task. But did you know? Everyone wants to feel powerful, even those who lack mental toughness.
Thus, the only way for a weak person to feel powerful is to take a passive-aggressive approach. It gives them the illusion that they have the upper hand in the relationship or conflict. By giving you the silent treatment, the passive-aggressive person feels like they’re in charge.
It is not uncommon for these people to think that their passive aggression is patience and inner strength. It is an indicator of vulnerability and low emotional intelligence.
- They are secretly angry and frustrated with life
As the name itself suggests, the passive-aggressive personality has to do with anger and hostility. It’s just the way these people let out their negative feelings.
Remember the bottled emotions we talked about earlier? Repressed anger is one of the most toxic factors. It is something very harmful and destroys your mental and physical health. It may stem from jealousy or general frustration with life. It devours you.
But like any other emotion, anger wants to show and when you don’t release it openly, it finds ways indirectly. It develops into passive aggression.
A passive-aggressive personality can get angry at the entire world for their failures in life. They tend to blame everyone and everything but themselves for all the misfortunes that happen to them.
- They are jealous
Remember those sneaky compliments? “Awesome. I’m so glad you got a scholarship! When I was your age, I couldn’t have.” You don’t need to be an expert to see jealousy in this kind of comment.
The truth is, passive-aggressive personalities often get noticeably jealous, too. They secretly hate you because you succeeded while their life was a failure. Or they just envy you for being younger/smarter/more attractive than they are.
This jealousy devours them inside, and the only possible way to get rid of it is to give people compliments and sad phrases.
- They have low self-esteem
Passive aggression may stem from self-esteem issues. It is a way for the weak to feel good about themselves. When they give you an unkind compliment, they see the confusion on your face. They know they succeeded in making you feel bad. And at that very moment, they feel superior to you.
It’s the only way a passive-aggressive person can feel better about themselves because having severe self-esteem issues equals feeling inadequate most of the time. Passive aggression gives these people a temporary remedy for that.
- They crave attention
Finally, people with a passive-aggressive personality secretly crave attention. But then again, they can’t have it in a direct, open way. So they use these kinds of tricks described above like saying they are fine while having a sad expression on their face. They may not be sad at all.
