If you are close to a covert narcissist, you know that things can be a little difficult to deal with.
A relationship with a covert narcissist often involves some confusing behaviors that may leave you feeling confused and angry.
You may notice that he puts himself first, lacks empathy, or insists that he is always right. One moment he can be charming, the next dismissive.
Narcissism is not a lifestyle choice, it is a real psychological condition. No two narcissists are alike, so each relationship can present unique challenges.
Understanding these challenges is key, and gaining insights from psychology can be a big help.
This is what we will aim to do in this article. Here are 8 signs that a man is secretly narcissistic, according to psychology.
1) He turns the tables to make himself the victim
Picture this: You express concern about something he did. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, he flips the script and suddenly, he’s the one being wronged.
This is classic narcissistic behavior, making you feel guilty for expressing your needs or feelings.
For example, if you mention something that upset you, he might say, “Just because I didn’t react the way you wanted me to, doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
It’s not about a solution or understanding, it’s about him avoiding accountability. It is a manipulative tactic designed to make you question your perceptions and feelings.
You may find yourself apologizing or trying to soothe his feelings, even though it was you who was initially hurt.
This response feeds his ego and gives him the “narcissistic supply” he craves—attention, validation, and control.
It is a red flag that should not be ignored as it could lead to an unhealthy cycle in your relationship.
2) He seems overly humble
You might think that a narcissist constantly brags about his or her accomplishments. But surprisingly, some narcissists take a more subtle approach: they downplay their accomplishments.
This is not because they are humble. It’s false modesty – another form of manipulation designed to make you like them and praise them more.
For example, he might casually mention a major accomplishment, then quickly dismiss it as “nothing special.”
This tactic often prompts others to insist on how great the accomplishment is, thus feeding the narcissist’s need for admiration.
It’s a way for him to control the narrative and keep attention focused on him, even when he seems humble.
Remember, true humility involves recognizing one’s worth without seeking constant validation of one’s worth. If he seems to downplay his accomplishments to fish for praise, it may be a sign of covert narcissism.
3) He lacks empathy
In all your interactions, you may notice something missing: empathy. When you share your feelings or experiences, he may reject them or show no real interest.
Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, is an essential aspect of human communication.
However, covert narcissists often struggle with this. They are so focused on their own needs and experiences that they cannot fully process the feelings of others.
If you find yourself feeling unheard or unheard when you share your feelings with him, it could be a sign of his narcissism.
Healthy relationships involve mutual understanding and validation. A lack of empathy can lead to one-sided conversations and a lack of emotional depth.
4) He is a master of magic
When you first met him, you might have been swept away by his charisma.
He knows just what to say, and when to say it, to win you over. It’s as if he’s the most charming man you’ve ever met.
But over time, you may begin to notice that his charm seems calculated, almost as if he is performing.
The truth is that narcissists can be incredibly charming when it suits them. It’s how they attract people and keep them addicted to it.
We are all attracted to people who make us feel good about ourselves. But remember, a relationship isn’t just about the good times. It’s also about how we are treated during difficult times.
If his charm seems to disappear when things get tough, it could be a sign that he’s more about manipulation than genuine interest in you.
5) He is always the hero or the victim in his stories
Have you noticed a pattern in the way he tells stories about his past? He always seems to be either the hero who saved the day or the victim who was wronged.
This isn’t just a storytelling whim. It’s a way for him to always keep himself in the center of attention, and to control how others perceive him.
He’s either the great hero who swoops in to save the day or the misunderstood and wronged victim, but he’s never at fault.
We all have our ups and downs, and we all play different roles in our life stories.
But if he never admits he’s wrong or made a mistake in his stories, it could be a sign of narcissism.
Real life isn’t black and white, and neither are we. We all have our faults and mistakes – and that’s okay. It’s part of being human.
6) Constantly seeks validation
Let’s say you’re at a social gathering together. As the night falls, you notice that he is constantly seeking approval or validation from those around him.
Maybe he’s showing off his knowledge of a trendy topic or subtly seeking compliments on his new outfit.
It’s more than just enjoying a little attention — it’s a relentless need for validation.
He seems to always need others to confirm his worth, whether it be through praise, admiration, or even envy.
In a healthy relationship, validation comes naturally and is not out of obligation. If you find yourself constantly needing to boost his ego and reassure him of his importance, this may be a sign of narcissism.
It can be exhausting to constantly support someone else’s self-esteem, especially when you feel like your own needs and feelings are being overlooked.
7) Focuses on image and status
Based on the need for validation, a covert narcissist attempts to achieve this through a carefully curated image.
If life looks perfect from the outside, he’s all for it.
But here’s the thing: Life is not a glossy magazine spread. It’s messy, imperfect, and real.
If he’s more concerned about how your relationship looks to others than how it feels to you, that’s a problem.
Status symbols and appearances cannot replace real connection and emotional intimacy.
If he values impressing others more than connecting with you on a deeper level, it may be time to reconsider whether this is the kind of relationship you want.
8) He ignores your feelings
Perhaps the most telling sign of all: He ignores your feelings. When you express your feelings or concerns, he ignores them, downplays them, or turns the conversation back to himself.
Your feelings are valid. They are an important part of your identity and deserve to be heard and respected in a relationship.
If he is unable or unwilling to acknowledge and validate your feelings, this is an important red flag.
Remember that in a healthy relationship, both partners’ feelings are acknowledged and valued. You deserve someone who sees you and appreciates you for who you are – emotions and all.
Conclusion
It is very difficult to deal with a secretly narcissistic man. This is a situation that requires more understanding and a lot of patience.
