Feeling lonely because you keep a part of your life hidden from those who love you most is scary because you’ve lost a big part of who you were before you met and married Mr. Right. Every day you wonder if it’s possible to capture pieces of your life. You are emotionally and physically exhausted from dealing with the relationship. You may feel confused one minute and angry the next, but mostly, you feel guilty, like you’re worthless and no one will love you.
So ask yourself, what is your role in this dance with your narcissistic, sociopathic husband?
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An 8-Step Process for Maintaining Your Sanity with a Sociopathic Narcissistic Spouse
1. Identify the trigger.
Pay attention to what he says or does that makes you feel that way. Notice how he does it, and how often.
2. Stop and think about it.
Notice how you feel. Don’t just accept that he’s right and you should feel a certain way.
3. Name what you feel.
“He’s right. It was my fault I burned the mushrooms. It makes me feel guilty now.” Giving a name to what you feel doesn’t mean it’s right. Rather, it means that you are starting to understand how it makes you feel, and by recognizing what you are feeling, you can gain control over that feeling.
4. Repeat the “Golden Rule of Guilt.”
“I don’t buy this.” To make you feel guilty, you have to accept the guilt! It will only work if you consciously or unconsciously agree to “agree” to his narrative about why you feel guilty. People burn dinner all the time. Does it make you a bad person? No, the person who should feel guilty is the person who threw a tantrum over some burnt mushrooms.
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5. Make a choice.
Now, you can choose not to feel guilty because you don’t deserve to feel guilty, and you didn’t do anything wrong. Make this decision consciously, even if you still feel guilty.
6. Repeat the empowerment mantra.
Silently say to yourself: “I am innocent of guilt! I am free of guilt! I am free of guilt!” Once you repeat this mantra, the feeling of guilt will fade away.
7. Practice visualization for one minute.
Think about the situation that led to this problem. This will help you believe that you deserve to be guilt-free. Take a moment to visualize the mushrooms as they cook. Do you see the way those mushrooms look? There was no way to burn them. She cooked them to perfection just the way he liked it. This will help you understand that you have nothing to be sorry for.
8. Go back to Rule No. 4: I don’t believe in this!
Look at your husband. He’s really upset. Say silently: “I’ll just listen to him. I know there’s no need for me to feel guilty. The mushrooms were delicious. He’s playing it for the audience. But tonight is my night to start feeling better.”
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As he continues to repeat his actions and words, the same goes for you. We internalize our negative emotions in response to tirade and blame. Suddenly, the switch flips, and you’re repeating the same words he’s said to you over the years – keeping yourself down instead of dealing with his narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies.
As a result, instead of one person attacking you, there are now two – him and you. Over time, you have conditioned your response to blame yourself (as you have been trained to do), which leads to constant feelings of guilt. You get a double whammy of guilt. When you internalize the terrible things he says to you, you repeat those negative words, so he doesn’t.
For example, you’ve worked hard, the house is clean, you’ve had dinner, you’ve set the table, and you’ve put on your favorite perfume. But when you serve him dinner, he complains loudly that you burned the mushrooms and throws his plate across the room into the kitchen trash. He screams that you never do anything right.
