Dating a commitment-phobe is hard. There is no doubt about that.
While you are doing your best to make the relationship work and fall in love, they are so busy fighting their own battles and sabotaging the connection that they judge the relationship from the beginning.
Well, that sounded pretty depressing – many people who are afraid of commitment can overcome their fears and have a happy, long-lasting marriage (just look at Chandler Bing!), and although reaching this goal takes work, it is possible.
However, fighting commitment phobia is their battle, not yours. All you can do is recognize if you are in a relationship with someone who is commitment-phobic and determine whether or not this is a deal-breaker.
Here are 8 red flags.
1) Things seem to be moving very slowly
…and it gets on your nerves.
Don’t get me wrong, some couples like to take things slow. It may take six years to buy a house and eight years to get married. But as long as they’re on the same page, there’s nothing wrong with slow progress.
The problem comes when you’re not just on different pages, but in completely different books. While you’re ready to move in together, buy a puppy, get married, and settle down, your partner is still struggling to accept the idea of a relationship in the first place.
The pace at which each of you wants to move is so radically different that it leads to one problem after another, one fight after another, until your partner’s lack of motivation finally forces you to give up.
But if you’re in a relationship with someone you love, the last thing you want to do is try to convince him that you’re worthy of commitment.
It’s good to be patient and give your partner enough space, but there also comes a point where he has to make a move. If nothing happens for years and years… you may be dating someone who is commitment-phobic.
2) You are afraid of scaring your partner with the amount of your love
I once dated a commitment-phobe, and what I noticed most about our relationship was how fragile the whole dynamic was.
One wrong move, and you’ll be blown away like a dandelion in the wind. One push too many, and he’ll pull away.
No matter how much space I gave him, how much I moderated my expressions of love, and how patient I was when it came to making big decisions and plans, I was still walking on eggshells, and what’s more, I felt submissive and trapped. As if all the love I had to offer had to be fenced off.
Then I realized that the right person will embrace everything you are and cherish the magnitude of your love. If you have to filter yourself out when you’re around your partner because your true personality might scare them off, they may not be the best partner for you.
3) Your connection seems muffled
Many commitment-phobic people struggle with commitment on an emotional level, which means they unconsciously impose a barrier between you and them, dampening your connection.
When you want to share all your vulnerabilities and learn about each other’s past, it remains a closed book.
When you strive to chat until 3 am and engage in deep conversations, they prefer to sleep.
It’s extremely difficult for their partners, and yet many commitment-phobic people are so afraid of opening up to someone else that they are willing to inflict that pain because any other alternative seems unsafe.
For them, separation is a coping mechanism. For you, it’s a question mark hanging over your relationship, making you want to tear your hair out out of frustration.
4) You’re the only one who makes the plans
Often times, dating someone who is terrified of commitment means you have to carry the entire relationship on your shoulders and take the initiative because he will never do it.
You’re the one who comes up with date ideas and makes vacation plans. Meanwhile, your partner either quickly changes the subject every time you suggest a trip somewhere, or offers non-committal answers, such as “uh-huh,” “sure, maybe,” and “why not.”
It can be extremely frustrating to be excited about the idea of spending some quality time together only to have your partner crush that excitement into dust, but that’s exactly what often happens when you’re dating someone who is commitment-phobic.
5) Arguments are a minefield
Here’s the thing about commitment phobia – there’s not just one type.
While some run away from conflict every time they see it approaching, and come up with various excuses for why they can’t talk about it now, others may cause arguments on purpose.
Why?
Because the conflict itself can act as a barrier between you, cutting you off from each other.
Furthermore, frequent arguments can give your partner enough reason to question the relationship and potentially break up, thus avoiding commitment entirely.
Regardless of whether your partner fears conflict or uses it as a weapon, there’s a good chance they’re doing so because they’re not ready to commit yet and are subconsciously looking for an excuse to escape the burden of true, honest devotion.
6) Your partner doesn’t make an effort to work on their problems
Having an agitated attitude toward conflict is just one of many self-sabotage techniques. Another thing is to destroy the relationship by doing nothing to fix the problems that arise.
Do you often feel like you stumble upon the same obstacles over and over again?
Maybe your partner can’t wrap their mind around the idea that you want them to help out and do more around the house when you’re having a hard time at work.
They will probably continue to wake you up at night with the sounds of video games no matter how many times you tell them that this is rude and disrespectful.
They may never keep their promises even though you explicitly told them how important it is that they keep their word.
Whatever the problem is, your partner may apologize and say they will work on it, but they will never make real change and continue to get on your nerves.
the reason? Well, it’s possible that they unconsciously want the relationship to fail, so they’re not trying to improve it.
Inaction is still action.
7) Their behavior is very inconsistent
The next red flag on our list is inconsistency. A partner who wants to give you his all won’t leave you hanging — that’s just the reality of things.
On the other hand, commitment phobia may lead to:
Stop calling or texting for a few days out of nowhere
He bombed you with love bombs for a few weeks and then left AWOL shortly after
Show a real commitment to working on improving the relationship but fall back into old patterns after just a week of trying
Expressing a desire to take a big step forward and then changing their mind at the last minute
In general, dating someone like this is completely unpredictable, trapping you in a vicious cycle of excitement, hope, crushing disappointment, bitterness, and new hope again.
But no matter how many times you hope things will get better, they never do. Not in the long term.
8) Something is always wrong
Not a single month can go by without another problem arising.
A relationship simply never seems easy, and although relationships take effort, they should bring more positives into your life.
And let’s be honest – it’s not.
Your nervous system is dysregulated all the time because you are not sure when your partner will withdraw and when he will shower you with affection.
You keep hoping things will get better, but they rarely do.
You’re torn between imagining the rest of your life with the person you love most in this world and realizing that the ideal version of him in your head doesn’t match reality, because how can the love of your life run away from you when you want to see true commitment?
It’s a whirlwind, that’s for sure.
But remember that while some people with commitment phobia can work on their problems and get better, you should still see some active progress. If you keep hoping, but nothing really changes after months or even years, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
