Girls who blame their mothers for everything are the losers, right? I mean, as an adult, at what point do you take responsibility for your actions?
But can we overcome childhood trauma or neglect? Is it right to continue carrying anger or hurt from childhood into adulthood? How do you deal with someone who blames his parents for everything that is wrong in his life?
I have a confession to make. I always blamed my mother for my shortcomings, and she died. But am I justified? Are we all doomed to live with the consequences of our upbringing, and how do we deal with daughters who blame their mothers for their shortcomings?
8 Reasons Why Daughters Who Blame Their Mothers For Everything Can’t Move On
- There is no clarity or clarification from the mother
Until we reach closure, it will be difficult to move on from past painful relationships. We want to understand why someone mistreated or neglected us. It is difficult to let go of blame without understanding what happened.
Did we do something wrong? Does our mother know what she did to us? Is she upset by how emotional we are? This lack of closure is a problem if your mother refuses to talk about your childhood, or if she passes away.
- You don’t want her to get away with what she did
Daughters who blame their mothers for everything sometimes feel like they’re letting her off the hook by moving on.
When you cling to blame and anger, you are constantly reminding her of how she treated you when you were a child. Her actions still hurt you. If you get over it and don’t blame her, it’s as if what happened to you as a child doesn’t matter.
- You want to prove how bad your mother is
Sometimes we fall into the trap of self-defeating behaviors to prove how much our mothers hurt us as children. It is a defense mechanism that is easier to fall back on than to take responsibility for our lives.
If we are not happy and satisfied, it proves how bad our mothers are. In fact, the worse our lives become, the more evidence we have.
- Blaming your mother is good for you
Having someone to take responsibility for everything can be helpful for some girls. Nothing is your fault because your mother was neglectful. You are the way you are today because your mother was a narcissist.
Because of your mother’s negligence, you do not know how to take responsibility. You need constant attention (that’s me) because your mother ignored you as a child. Blaming our mothers lets us out of this predicament.
- It is easier to blame your mother than to confront your failures
Have you ever blamed a sibling for something bad they did when you were a child? Blaming someone else removes the consequences of our actions. Someone else is responsible for what we did. We avoid punishment, disappointment, or anger from our significant others.
It is true that some daughters who blame their mothers for everything find this a convenient excuse. Blame relieves us of any responsibility for our lives, which brings me to my next truth about daughters blaming their mothers for everything – control.
- You have an “external control center”
American psychologist Julian B. Rotter developed the locus of control theory. Locus of control is the concept of how much control people believe they have over their lives.
A person with internalized status believes that he or she has power and control and takes responsibility for his or her actions. A person with an external locus believes that things happen to him and he has little control over his life.
If you already have an external locus, you will probably blame your mother for everything that goes wrong in your life.
- Reinforces your victim status
Victim status can be strangely comforting for some. It’s like wearing a soft, warm and comfortable coat that protects you from the world. If you are a victim, people sympathize with you. But in reality, you are trapped in this childish state.
Being a victim is another way to avoid responsibility. The pain of child abuse is so familiar, it’s scary to think about leaving it behind.
- You can use blame against your mother as a weapon
It’s easy to say, “My mother hurt me so I could hurt you.” Or “I was abused, so don’t expect me to be different.” Studies show that child sexual abuse is a “predisposing factor for the transition from victim to perpetrator.”
Living with an abusive mother normalizes negative behaviors such as violence, yelling, and neglect. As adults, we know that these behaviors are wrong, but it is difficult to break out of this abusive cycle. So, you blame your mother for your abusive behavior because of the way she raised you.
Attachment theory and daughters who blame their mothers for everything
We know how child abuse, trauma, neglect or lack of care affects us as adults, so why can’t we move past it? Why can’t we work on ourselves and overcome our childhood difficulties?
My mother abused my two half-sisters. She physically tortured them, ignored me, and gave my brother love and attention. As a result, my older sister is a people pleaser, my second sister avoids confrontation, needs constant validation, and my brother is a narcissist.
But why is it so difficult for us to overcome our childhood mistakes?
What happens in childhood does not stay in childhood
John Bowlby’s theory Children need to form secure attachments with their parents. This is an evolutionary technology that helps them survive. Being attached to a dependable person allows a child to move outside from a safe base, and explore the world, knowing that they are safe.
Mothers are still the primary caregivers in society. These early attachments form an internal working model. This is what we build all our future relationships on.
Sue Gerhardt, author of Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Child’s Brain, says:
“Meaning appears when the child begins to realize whether the mother coming through the door will bring him pleasure or pain.”
So, maybe daughters who blame their mothers for everything are justified. Mothers are supposed to provide love, affection, and take care of our physical and emotional needs.
If mothers do not fulfill these roles, daughters will naturally carry these insecurities into adulthood, and may even pass them on to their children. I have written about Polyvagal Theory which explores the mother-child relationship in more detail.
Knowing why some daughters blame their mothers provides context, but how can we use this understanding to move forward?
It is difficult to move past abusive or neglectful mothers until we realize that it was not our fault, and that we did not deserve to be abused. Unfortunately, this understanding rarely comes from the abusive mother, so we must find it ourselves.
It is equally important to have perspective on our childhood. As we grow up, we look at our parents at different stages. As little children, they are our world and can do no wrong.
As teenagers, we rebel against them as we form our own personalities, and then as adults, we begin to see our parents as the fallible people that we all are. At this stage of development we can move beyond blame and into acceptance.
Under these circumstances, is it possible for girls who blame their mothers for everything to move from anger and self-loathing to acceptance?
What do you say to a daughter who blames her mother for everything?
- Some people are not qualified to parent
If we look at our parents through a different lens, it helps us overcome childhood trauma. We all come from somewhere. Our mother had a daughter once too. She may also have had parents who may have been neglectful or abusive.
We learn from those who raised us. Perhaps our mothers were simply passing on remnants of their childhood. They weren’t intentionally trying to be hostile or neglectful, they simply didn’t have good teachers.
- We all have our fears and failures
Mothers are not perfect. I understand that if you are severely abused this reason is an insult to you, but bear with me. Mothers are supposed to nurture and nurture us. They should devote themselves to raising us and making us feel safe.
But mothers have their own fears, failures and demons. No one is perfect, but by accepting our mothers as fallible human beings just like us, we can begin to transform from victim to survivor.
- Accept that we may never get the answers we deserve
My mother died when I was 21 years old. As a family, we could never understand why she physically abused my sisters, why she loved my brother, and why she ignored me. By her death, she deprived me of an explanation for her behavior. How dare you die and leave us without answers? It was just another selfish act on her behalf in my mind.
Now that I’m older, I’ve accepted the fact that I never formed a secure attachment with my mother. I realize that my childhood triggers (the need for attention and validation and the fear of rejection) stem directly from my lack of relationship with my mother.
- To understand that our childhood does not have to define us
I’ve talked a little bit about attachment styles. Daughters who blame their mothers for everything will undoubtedly have insecure attachments.
Child psychologists believe that early attachment patterns remain stable throughout adulthood, but experts now disagree. Data show that early attachment styles can change. If we have caring and loving relationships as adults, our confidence and self-esteem grow. This is called “acquired security”.
Security can come from a close, long-term relationship with an alter ego; Maybe a teacher, mentor, family member, friend or partner. This is not pseudoscience. Neuroplasticity studies show changes in brain structure once we change our thoughts and beliefs.
So, even if child abuse damages your brain, positive relationships can fix it.
- You don’t have to forgive, but you can accept and move on
Sometimes child abuse is so horrific that forgiveness is not an option. No one is asking you to forgive your mother, but you are only doing yourself harm by blaming her for everything. You know she is responsible for your childhood, but you are responsible for your life.
There is a big difference between admitting that the problem originated with your mother and blaming her all the time. You don’t have to forgive her to heal yourself.
