Emotional manipulation comes in many shapes and sizes.
Sometimes, it’s very obvious. For example, belittling someone by reminding them of their insecurities falls into this category.
However, emotional manipulation can also be very subtle. The more subtle it is, the more difficult it will be for you to recognize whether you are being manipulated or not.
Don’t worry!
Once you finish reading this article, you will have a much better idea of how rigging works and what to pay attention to.
These are the 8 phrases you never thought were part of emotional manipulation but they definitely are.
1) “I’m sorry you feel this way”
Seems innocent enough, right? After all, the phrase contains an apology, as well as some recognition of your feelings.
Not so fast.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is inherently manipulative, because the person is not apologizing at all. They just make it seem like they are.
What this phrase really means is, “I can see that you feel a certain way, but I don’t really understand it and I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, so I’m going to shift the responsibility for this conflict onto you.”
Remember: A proper apology always comes from a place of understanding and empathy.
2) “I already apologized. What more do you want?”
…And speaking of apologies, that doesn’t cut it either.
Here’s the deal.
If someone says sorry but feels forced or inadequate, the affected person will likely never get over it. They will bring it up over and over again because their emotions are not validated enough for them to move on.
However, it may be a futile battle because the person who apologized may not care about your feelings enough to go the extra mile and give you what you need.
That’s when they get frustrated and say, “I already apologized. What more do you want from me?!”
The thing is they know what you want. They are unable to give it to you. Instead of telling it like it is, they will try to make you feel like you are the problem.
In other words, they will twist the narrative in their favor. Manipulation 101.
3) “I don’t remember it that way”
This is difficult, so you better pay attention.
When someone says something hurtful and you bring it up later, their immediate defense strategy may be that they simply don’t remember.
This is a great way to avoid taking responsibility, because, well, how can you apologize for something you don’t remember saying?
However, some people may not really remember, which is why this phrase is so complicated.
A good way to distinguish between a manipulator and a real person is to see what happens next.
While the former will ignore the problem, the latter will say: “I don’t remember it that way, but if I really said that, then I’m very sorry. I never meant to hurt you and I won’t do that in the future.”
be seen? The problem has been resolved.
4) “I’ve changed”
One of my exes reached out to me once a few months after a breakup. After we talked for a while, he sighed, shook his head, and said, “I have changed.”
It may not seem like much, but the phrase “I’ve changed” is actually a big pun.
It’s a phrase that makes you feel like you’ve changed in a way that disappoints them or no longer suits them. Who you are now conflicts with their expectations of who they want you to be.
“I’ve changed” translates to “You’re not the person I used to love,” which can be very hurtful if you’re still attached to that person.
In return, you may want to convince them that you are still who you are, that you are still lovable, and that what you had was real.
Through this behavior, they will get exactly what they want – a strong emotional response that confirms that they still have your heart in their heart.
5) “Look what you made me do”
“Look What You Made Me Do” isn’t just a Taylor Swift lyric — it’s also a phrase with strong manipulative undertones.
Imagine that her jealous boyfriend Adam is dating a sweet and outgoing girlfriend. Jade never flirts or cheats, but because she is so warm and kind, people are naturally drawn to her and want to be her friends.
Adam doesn’t like that one bit. His jealousy is increasing. He goes through her phone and breaks her boundaries by doing so.
But when I confronted him about it, he raised his hands and said, “Look what you made me do! You’re driving me crazy!”
The thing is, Jade didn’t “make him do” anything. He chose to do this of his own free will. His jealousy was more about him than it was about Jade.
By putting the responsibility on Jade, Adam can get away unscathed and make her feel bad at the same time.
6) “I really thought you cared about me”
Let’s stay with Adam for a bit.
Once the tantrum is over, Jade sits up and says, “I really thought you cared about me. But you don’t, otherwise you wouldn’t be friends with X and Y. I thought our love meant more to you.
While all of this sounds like it might come from an honest place of insecurity, what Adam is really doing is pushing Jade to prove her love for him by allowing him to cross her boundaries.
He said, “I really thought you cared about me. I’m disappointed in you. You’re hurting me and you don’t deserve my love. I might leave you.”
This is such a threat to the relationship that Jade might let him win and stop his friendship with X and Y.
(This is wrong as long as the friendships are not strictly sexual. Jade should be able to have as many friends as she wants.)
7) “I don’t see the problem”
Dismissal is the king of emotional manipulation, and “I Don’t See the Problem” is a prime example of that.
It’s okay if you don’t understand why someone is upset. You are not like them, and if your personalities are so different, you will naturally find it difficult to understand the complexities of their minds.
But “I don’t see the problem” only frustrates them. This means that instead of trying to understand and help, you simply walk away from the problem.
If you don’t see the problem, it’s not a problem. end of story.
But it is. That’s the point. By minimizing the problem, you manipulate the person into believing that something is wrong and that their emotions are not valid.
8) “Stop distorting my words.”
Careful with this one.
If someone is clearly attacking you, your natural reaction might be to say, “Stop twisting my words. That’s not what I said.” And you were right.
However, sometimes the person gaslighting gets a little defined and leads you to think that you are the one gaslighting them.
I know. What a mess.
“My romantic feelings have kind of disappeared. My heart’s not really in it anymore.”
“Well, if you don’t like me that way, then we should talk about it more and maybe break up.”
“Stop twisting my words. That’s not what I said.”
is not it? The meaning seems the same to me. It’s just the words are different.
Emotional manipulation can take many forms, and it is not always easy to distinguish between a genuine reaction and a manipulative tactic.
As long as you keep the above statements in mind and pay close attention to what the other person is saying, you may be able to recognize manipulation for what it is and learn to resist it.
