We humans are very smart.
Sometimes, we have a gut feeling that something is not right about someone we know.
Sometimes, it happens quickly. Other times, it takes a while for us to realize what’s happening to us.
But no matter how long it takes, the feeling is still the same.
We can tell when something is not quite right.
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve had that feeling about someone you know right now.
Maybe you’ve read some of their behavior, or you’ve felt uncomfortable about some of the things they’ve said recently.
If that sounds like you, let’s find out for sure if your suspicions are true.
Here are 8 phrases that manipulative people use to make you feel guilty—so you can end their control over you once and for all.
1) “You made me do this”
Repeat after me: You’re the only person responsible for your behavior.
You’re not responsible for anyone else’s behavior.
No matter what you say or do, the person who did it is the one who decided to do it. Not you or anyone else.
When someone tries to blame you for something they did, it’s a manipulation tactic designed to make you feel guilty about their actions.
For example, a manipulative person might say something like:
“You made me cheat on you because you gained weight.”
Or:
“I wouldn’t have cheated on you if you cared more about your appearance.”
But the truth is, it’s not your fault at all. It’s their fault. They did it and they’re the only ones who should be held accountable for their actions—not you.
2) “If you loved me, you would do it.”
One important thing to remember in life is that you can love someone and still have boundaries.
Just because you care deeply about someone, you shouldn’t do things that you don’t feel comfortable doing.
For example, if you care about a friend, you shouldn’t give them your entire paycheck every month just because they asked.
Or if you love your partner, you shouldn’t sleep with them whenever they want if you’re not in the mood.
Why? Because you’re allowed to set your boundaries in love, friendships, and relationships. How much you love someone isn’t determined by how much you give them.
But a manipulative person won’t like it when you say no. They’ll try to make you feel guilty for setting boundaries.
They might say,
“If you loved me, you’d give me all your money instead of being selfish and spending it on yourself.”
That’s downright manipulative!
3) “You don’t want to hurt me, do you?”
Manipulative people play on your emotions to get you to do what they want.
They probably know that you’re a caring, compassionate person who doesn’t like hurting the people you love.
So, they’ll use your compassion against you to get you to do what they want.
Let’s say you’re about to go out with friends and your partner is jealous. They might say,
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“If you go, it’ll hurt me. You don’t want to hurt me, do you?”
Because you don’t want to hurt them, you might not go out with your friends. But that’s toxic behavior from someone who’s trying to manipulate you.
According to experts, maintaining your friendships is important for your well-being, physical health, and even your romantic relationships.
If someone tries to prevent you from seeing your friends or family because it will “hurt them,” that’s toxic and controlling behavior.
4) “I’ve already said I’m sorry, what more do you want from me?”
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone apologizes to you for doing something, but you don’t feel better?
I know I’ve been there.
One of my exes would constantly do things that hurt me. And every time, he would just apologize and expect that to be enough.
He didn’t want to talk about it or know why it hurt. He didn’t even want to explain why he did it—so that I could understand his perspective.
It took me a while to realize that it was because he had no intention of changing his behavior. Why would he do that when he could just apologize and get away with it every time?
If someone says this to you, it could be a very bad sign. It can be a way of making you feel guilty for feeling hurt by something he did—and for not getting over it quickly enough.
5) “You’re making a fuss”
This can be very hurtful. It’s similar in effect to someone telling you that you’re “embarrassing” them when you’re with them.
Telling someone they’re making a fuss when they’re upset is a terrible thing to say anyway, but it’s also a great manipulation.
It can be used as a tactic to keep you quiet and not show any feelings about something they’ve done to hurt you.
Let’s say your partner says something mean to you at a party and you start crying. They’ll say,
“You’re making a fuss” – and you’ll quickly stop crying and continue socializing at the party.
And that’s exactly what they want. They want you to feel embarrassed by your behavior – when in reality, they should be the ones who’re embarrassed by their behavior.
6) “Why can’t you be more like [the other person]?”
Another thing manipulative people do is compare you to other people in your life – and not in a good way.
Let’s say you’ve recently gained weight and your partner says,
“Why can’t you be more like [the person’s name]? They’re so athletic and they always manage to keep their weight down.”
This is a manipulative statement designed to make you feel guilty and ashamed of who you are. To make you feel like you’re not good enough — and that others are better than you.
7) “Are you calling me a liar?”
There’s a moral consensus that it’s bad to be a liar. Lying is one of those things that most people hate.
But everyone lies sometimes. It’s generally accepted that you’ll tell a white lie in certain situations — like protecting someone, avoiding harm, or keeping a secret.
Just because someone tells a few white lies doesn’t make them a “liar.”
But calling someone a liar isn’t cool. It means you’re questioning their integrity and honesty.
And even the liar won’t like it. So they’ll try to make you feel guilty for calling them something so terrible — and they’ll wonder if that’s what you’re doing.
8) “I guess I’m just a bad person in your eyes”
“Just because someone does something bad, doesn’t make them a bad person.”
This is a story we’re told a lot, but it can be very damaging when used in the wrong context.
It can be used innocently and very appropriately. For example, if you make a mistake at work or a slip of the tongue and say something that hurts someone and you later regret it, that doesn’t make you a bad person.
But it can also be used to explain away someone’s behavior when it’s quite toxic.
Because someone can still hurt you even if they’re not a “bad person.”
However, a manipulative person will ignore your hurt and try to make you feel guilty for calling them (someone you care about) a “bad person” — rather than addressing the issue.
Final Thoughts
Spotting out a manipulative person isn’t always easy.
After all, they’re a manipulative person — and their goal is to make you doubt yourself instead of them.
But what a manipulative person hates more than anything else is when you catch them.
When you realize that someone is manipulating you (at least they’re trying to), you regain control of the situation.
And you can do whatever it takes — whether that’s cutting you off, exposing them, or just being careful when you talk to them.
