In Part 1 of this series, I learned 10 signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. I learned that narcissists are masters of the guilt trip. I also learned that narcissists have a set of rules for you that they don’t apply to themselves. Here are eight more signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, all found in my book, Gaslighting: Meet the Manipulators and Emotional Abusers
AbusivePeople—and Break Free:
- Changing your mind is seen as an insult to them.
“You said you were going to the movies at 6. But now you’re saying you’re going at 8. How can you change plans like that?” Well, that’s because you have this wonderful thing called free will. Humans are entitled to change their minds at any time, for any reason. When you change your mind about something, it makes the narcissist feel like they’re losing control. As I learned in Part 1, they’ll try to regain control through the silent treatment, guilt trips, and manipulation.
- They completely deny something they said or did, making you wonder if you’re crazy.
You may have sworn that the narcissist told you they were going to pick up Johnny from school today. In fact, you confirmed that with them. But now the narcissist says they never told you anything like that. Maybe you just imagined it, you think. You start to question your version of reality.
Even if you have hard evidence that the narcissist said or did something, they’ll tell you that you misunderstood, or they’ll outright lie and say it never happened. One way narcissists control you is by constantly making you question your sanity. What better way to control you than by implying (or outright telling) you that you’re crazy?
Related : 5 Ways Narcissists Damage Loving Relationships
This phenomenon of denying or changing the truth is called psychological deception, and it’s a hallmark of the narcissist. It’s named after the 1944 movie Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s gone crazy. One of the methods he uses to do this is to dim the gas lights in their home and then brighten them. When his wife mentions that the lights are changing, he claims he doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
- They appear charming and friendly to everyone.
Narcissists like to look good and be seen as good. However, behind closed doors, it’s different. You feel like no one is seeing the real you. In couples therapy, your therapist may not believe the narcissist is who you say they are. Remember, narcissists are masters of manipulation.
- They’ll try to get you back if you leave.
What a narcissist fears most is the perceived abandonment. A narcissist wants attention—whether the attention is good or bad doesn’t matter. In Part 1, you learned about how a narcissist uses the silent treatment as a means of control in a relationship. If you try to contact the narcissist or show that you’re upset by the silent treatment, they feed off that attention. If you ignore the silent treatment, the narcissist will then try to get you back. This is sometimes referred to as “vacuuming.” The narcissist will try to act so aggressively that you’ll return to the same relationship dynamic. However, as you learned in Part 1, this happy encounter will eventually be replaced by an even worse explosion.
- They’re not just frugal; they’re miserly. Except when it comes to buying themselves something.
The narcissist tells you that he didn’t have enough money to buy you a big birthday present this year. Then you see that he has a bunch of new clothes in his closet. He expects you to pay for entertainment when you go out together—and if you don’t, he guilt-trips you by telling you all the times he’s paid for an activity. You reluctantly pull out your wallet again, because you don’t want to deal with the backlash you know is coming if you encounter him.
- They give you gifts that make you scratch your head.
The narcissist will give you a birthday gift that has nothing to do with your interests. The gift they give you is so inconspicuous that you wonder if yours was mixed in with someone else’s. It looks like something pulled off a shelf somewhere without thinking. These gifts are given when it’s just you and the narcissist at home. If the gift is given to you in front of other people, it may be an over-the-top gift that you know you can’t afford. Remember, the narcissist likes to look good in front of others.
- Your holidays are often ruined.
Your spouse seems to get annoyed with you or disappears before big holidays, like Christmas. You can’t even remember what the fight was about, but it was big. In your mind, you go over and over what you could have done to upset the narcissist. The truth is, you probably didn’t do anything at all. Narcissists hate to be distracted from themselves—you were busy with holiday parties at work and your social organizations, as you should have been. Narcissists also have difficulty with what they consider their partner/spouse to be happy, independent of them. So now you spend your vacation wondering where the narcissist went and blaming yourself for it.
- They tell everyone you’re crazy.
This narcissistic behavior is most likely to occur after a fight or if your relationship ends. Remember how the narcissist told you that all of their exes were crazy, and how they finally got along with someone stable (you)? Now you find out through friends and family that your ex is telling them you’re crazy. Since everyone finds them charming, you worry that these people will believe the narcissist about you. You may even have friends or family who side with the narcissist. You’ll discover that these are the people you didn’t want around anyway. Your real friends know the truth.
