“Personality is the effect of a relationship,” wrote Christopher Bollas, the brilliant post-Freudian psychoanalyst, in his ominously titled but infinitely hopeful book, The Shadow of the Object.
What he meant was that we all develop in context, collecting bits and pieces of the relationships around us and attaching them, unconsciously, to our temperament—that interconnected biological blueprint that partly determines who we become.
He concluded that this is how any personality is born. But what happens to our personality development when we live under narcissistic parents?
#Here are 8 long-term effects of having narcissistic parents.
1. You constantly blame yourself
Narcissistic parents may or may not be overtly abusive, but they are certainly emotionally deaf, too preoccupied with their fears to hear our pain.
Because emotionally sensitive children who yearn for love cannot simply walk out the door and find a new family, they often nurture hope by sacrificing their self-esteem.
“I’m the problem,” they tell themselves. “If I were calmer, calmer, or happier, my mother wouldn’t yell at me, ignore me, or criticize me all the time. If I fixed myself, I would finally be loved.” Unfortunately, children of narcissistic parents often blame themselves for what they are missing in their lives to maintain a shred of hope.
2. You tolerate narcissism in your other relationships.
If you are particularly sensitive or empathic by nature, you are likely to respond to narcissistic parenting with an attitude called “echoism,” named after the nymph Echo, who was cursed to repeat the last few words she heard. Just as Narcissus fell in love with his thinking, Eco fell in love with Narcissus.
Narcissistic parents who explode without warning, or break down in tears any time a child dares to express a need, force sensitive children to take up as little space as possible, as if having any expectations at all is an act of selfishness.
Growing up as a child of narcissistic parents means that the behavior is often repeated in their future relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or professional. Like Eco, echolalia struggle to find a voice of their own, and often end up with highly narcissistic partners.
3. You become insecure in your relationships.
Think of secure attachment as the degree of comfort we have when we are close to and dependent on others in healthy ways. The neglect, abuse, or emotional absence of a narcissistic parent can make us question how safe we are in the hands of others.
Related: 3 Soul-Sucking Mind Games All Narcissistic Men Play In Relationships
Roughly speaking, insecure attachment can take two forms: avoidant attachment, where we manage our fears by pushing others away (“I would never risk being dependent on anyone again!”), and anxious attachment, where we chase love, seeking—sometimes angrily—the relationship we long for. to it with our loved ones (“Why aren’t you paying attention to me?”).
Whether you become anxious or avoidant depends on a complex mix of temperament and consistency in care and attention, but persistent neglect tends to create avoidance, and unexpected attention generally creates anxiety.
4. You become needy.
A related problem is the so-called “need to panic.” Narcissistic parents can make their children fearful of their needs, burying them by becoming compulsive caregivers or simply remaining silent.
They may hum for a while and seem to not need anything from their partners or friends. Then, a crisis occurs, and suddenly – in ways they find deeply troubling – they are constantly calling their friends or asking for constant reassurance from them, and appearing needy by asking for support.
The quickest way to eliminate a need, after all, is to satisfy it immediately; Ironically, people who are most fearful of their needs tend to come across as “needy.”
5. You learn to be independent.
Extroverted, adventurous children may respond to narcissistic parenting by forgoing emotional intimacy altogether, believing that no one can be trusted or relied upon. This is impossible to maintain, of course, and can easily generate intermittent “need to panic.”
Alternatively, children with more sensitive temperaments may become compulsively selfless caregivers, as if the only way they can enjoy being cared for is indirectly by providing others with the warmth and care they never enjoyed.
6. Become a people pleaser
Temperamentally sensitive children (who are often gifted empaths) can develop a laser-like focus on their parents’ needs.
Related: The Real Reason Why Your Narcissist Husband Has Zero Compassion For You Or Your Kids
They organize their lives around the happiness of others, convinced that they must enhance their parents’ respect (“Of course you’re beautiful!”) or prevent their next outburst (“I’ll get your snack…You’re stressed out”).
A frightened child turned adult often grows up to worry endlessly about his selfishness. They may even grow to hate their own needs, seeing them as a burden on others.
7. You become as narcissistic as your parents (or more).
The more aggressive a child is by nature, the more likely he or she will respond to narcissistic parenting by playing the “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” game: “I’ll just make sure I’m the loudest, prettiest, smartest person in the room. That way, no one can “It makes me feel insignificant again.”
If you are born with a stubborn, narcissistic temperament and are exposed to the kind of neglect or abuse that narcissists often give you, you will likely end up becoming a narcissist.
8. You are putting your health at risk by constantly putting pressure on yourself.
The more abusive narcissistic parents become, the more likely they are to traumatize their children. This can lead to a fearful approach to life and PTSD.
Abuse puts us in a state of constant vigilance, vigilantly preparing to avoid the next danger. This typically results in chronic anxiety, flashbacks of abuse, emotional numbness, and even a brief sense of the future, as people become so focused on simply surviving that they lose the ability to imagine life outside of the present.
