“Personality is the effect of a relationship,” wrote Christopher Bollas, the brilliant post-Freudian psychoanalyst, in his ominously titled but hopeful book, The Shadow of the Object.
What he meant was that we all develop in context, collecting bits and pieces of the relationships around us and attaching them, unconsciously, to our temperament – that interconnected biological blueprint that partly determines who we become.
He concluded that this is how any personality is born. What happens to our personality development when we live with narcissistic parents?
Related: 6 Signs Of A Narcissist That Are Super Easy To Miss
Here are 8 of the most common effects of having narcissistic parents that can last throughout your life.
- You constantly blame yourself
Narcissistic parents may or may not be overtly abusive, but they are certainly emotionally deaf, too preoccupied with their own fears to hear our pain.
Because emotionally sensitive children who yearn for love cannot simply walk out the door and find a new family, they often nurture hope by sacrificing their self-esteem.
“I’m the problem,” they tell themselves. “If I were calmer, calmer, or happier, my mother wouldn’t yell at me, ignore me, or criticize me all the time. If I fixed myself, I would finally be loved.”
- You tolerate narcissism in your other relationships.
If you are particularly sensitive or empathic by nature, you are likely to respond to narcissistic parenting with an attitude I call echolalia, named after the nymph Echo, who was cursed to repeat the last few words she heard.
Just as Narcissus fell in love with his own thinking, Eco fell in love with Narcissus.
Narcissistic parents who explode without warning, or break down in tears any time a child dares to express a need, force sensitive children to take up as little space as possible as if having any expectations at all is an act of selfishness.
Like Eco, echolalia struggle to find a voice of their own, and often end up with highly narcissistic partners.
Related: The #1 Way To Know You’re Being Gaslighted By A Toxic Partner
- You become insecure in your own relationships.
Think of secure attachment as the degree of comfort we have when we are close to and dependent on others in healthy ways.
The neglect, abuse, or emotional absence of a narcissistic parent can make us question how safe we are in the hands of others.
Roughly speaking, insecure attachment can take two forms: avoidant attachment, where we manage our fears by pushing people away from us (“I would never risk being dependent on anyone again!”) and anxious attachment, where we chase the love, pursuing—sometimes angrily—the relationship we long for With our loved ones (Why don’t you pay attention to me?).
Whether you become anxious or avoidant depends on a complex mix of temperament and consistency in care and attention, but persistent neglect tends to create avoidance, and unexpected attention generally creates anxiety.
Related: There Are 3 Types Of Narcissists — How To Spot Each One
- You become needy.
A related problem is what I call need panic. Narcissistic parents can make their children fearful of their needs, burying them by becoming compulsive caregivers or simply remaining silent.
They may hum for a while and seem to not need anything from their partners or friends.
Then, a crisis occurs, and suddenly – in ways they find deeply troubling – they are constantly calling their friends or searching for constant reassurance.
The quickest way to eliminate a need, after all, is to satisfy it immediately; Ironically, people who are most fearful of their needs tend to come across as “needy.”
Related: I Was Raised By A Narcissist Who Abducted Me When I Was 10
- You learn to be independent.
Extroverted, adventurous children may respond to narcissistic parenting by forgoing emotional intimacy altogether, believing that no one can be trusted or relied upon.
This is impossible to maintain, of course, and can easily generate intermittent panic.
Alternatively, children with more sensitive temperaments may become compulsively selfless caregivers, as if the only way they can enjoy being cared for is indirectly by providing others with the warmth and care they never enjoyed.
- Become a people pleaser
Temperamentally sensitive children (who are often gifted empaths) can develop a laser-like focus on their parents’ needs.
They organize their lives around the happiness of others, convinced that they must enhance their parents’ respect (of course you’re beautiful!) or prevent their next outburst (I’ll get your snack…you’re stressed!) They pay close attention to their every desire or whim.
A frightened child turned adult often grows up to worry endlessly about his own selfishness.
