Narcissists use communication as a tool to manipulate, control, and emotionally affect others, and texting has become a powerful way for them to maintain influence. They often send messages designed to evoke specific reactions, enforce control, and shift blame. Here are eight examples of toxic text messages a narcissist might send, along with an explanation of what makes each one harmful.
1. The Guilt Trip Message
- Example: “I can’t believe you’re too busy for me. I thought I mattered to you.”
- What It Does: This message is designed to make you feel guilty for not prioritizing the narcissist. They often use guilt as a way to manipulate your emotions, subtly implying that you’re a bad partner, friend, or family member if you don’t attend to their needs immediately. This message pulls you into a guilt cycle, making you feel responsible for their feelings and setting a precedent for them to expect constant attention.
2. The “Silent Treatment” Follow-Up
- Example: “Oh, so I guess you don’t care enough to reply. Nice to know where I stand.”
- What It Does: After you take some time to respond, they send a follow-up to shame or pressure you. This tactic combines the silent treatment with passive-aggressiveness, making you feel like you’ve failed them in some way. Narcissists use this message to prompt an apology from you, placing the blame on you for their perceived “rejection.”
3. The “Hot and Cold” Message
- Example: “I miss you so much! You’re everything to me. By the way, why haven’t you fixed things between us yet?”
- What It Does: This message starts warmly, with expressions of affection, and then takes a critical turn. Narcissists often switch between praise and criticism, which keeps their target emotionally confused and off-balance. This tactic is part of the “love-bombing” and devaluation cycle, keeping you hooked by offering brief moments of validation mixed with sudden criticism.
4. The “Blame-Shifting” Message
- Example: “If you hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t have gotten so mad. You’re always pushing my buttons.”
- What It Does: By placing the blame for their reaction onto you, the narcissist avoids taking responsibility for their behavior. This message reframes the issue so that you are the one at fault, causing you to question your actions and feel at fault for “provoking” them. Narcissists use blame-shifting to avoid accountability and make you feel guilty or at fault for their reactions.
Related : 6 Differences Between Healthy and Narcissistic Relationships
5. The “Gaslighting” Message
- Example: “That’s not what happened. You’re just making things up again to make me look bad.”
- What It Does: Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where the narcissist makes you doubt your own perception and memory. By claiming that you’re “making things up,” they’re invalidating your experience and reality. Over time, repeated gaslighting can make you question your own memory and judgment, leaving you more susceptible to their control.
6. The “Future-Faking” Message
- Example: “Once I get that promotion, things will be different. I’ll finally be able to focus on us.”
- What It Does: Future-faking is when a narcissist makes promises about the future to keep you invested in the relationship. These promises rarely come true, but they serve to give you hope that things will improve. The narcissist uses future-faking as a way to keep you emotionally engaged, even though they have no intention of following through.
7. The “Triangulation” Message
- Example: “You know, even [other person’s name] agrees with me that you overreact.”
- What It Does: Narcissists often use triangulation to create competition, jealousy, or insecurity by bringing another person into the situation. By implying that others share their view, they make you feel isolated and question your perspective. Triangulation can leave you feeling insecure and drive you to seek approval from the narcissist to regain a sense of security.
8. The “Backhanded Compliment” Message
- Example: “You’re actually pretty smart for once. Maybe there’s hope for you yet!”
- What It Does: A backhanded compliment is a covert way of undermining you while pretending to offer praise. Narcissists use backhanded compliments to subtly insult you while framing it as a positive statement. This tactic leaves you feeling unsure about how to respond—do you thank them for the “compliment” or react to the insult? It’s a way for them to undercut your confidence without seeming outright cruel.
How to Handle Toxic Text Messages from a Narcissist
- Limit Your Response: Avoid giving a strong emotional reaction, which is often what they’re seeking.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly state your boundaries, such as not responding to manipulative or critical messages.
- Don’t Take the Bait: Recognize that these texts are designed to provoke a reaction. Instead of responding to the content, disengage and focus on your well-being.
- Seek Support: Talking to friends, family, or a therapist can help you gain perspective on the situation and reinforce healthy boundaries.
Conclusion
Narcissists use toxic text messages to manipulate emotions, shift blame, and reinforce control. Recognizing these patterns can help you avoid falling into the trap of reacting as they intend. By setting boundaries, maintaining emotional detachment, and seeking support, you can protect yourself from the psychological impact of their manipulative messages.
