Most people don’t usually stay friends with their ex. How can you move forward and start something new while holding on to the past?
It often doesn’t make sense.
However, narcissists can’t help but keep each ex on deck – like the ambitious cult leader. You may have noticed during your relationship that at least one of their girlfriends was always just a phone call away or text away.
It’s normal to remain friends with a respected ex-boyfriend, especially after a long-term relationship. However, narcissists need to maintain some level of intimacy with their ex- for a variety of reasons.
Here’s why narcissists stay friends with their ex-boyfriends, the dark motives behind these “friendships,” and what you can do to break free from the sadistic cycle.
Can narcissists be friends with their exes?
Yes. Narcissists can always remain friends with their exes. However, narcissists interpret the term “friend” differently than average people.
Ordinary people see a potential boyfriend as someone they connect with based on shared interests, values, life experiences, and hobbies.
For narcissists, a friend is someone they use for either opportunities, sex, resources, validation, or attention.
Most narcissists are often psychological sadists. Not only do they need a certain kind of attention to maintain their superficial identity, but they also lack the ability to feel remorse when they hurt people and feel joy while watching people suffer – especially if they are responsible for the person’s suffering.
This is a dangerous combination of traits often found in sect leaders. This is why so many people feel compelled to remain friends with a narcissistic ex-partner as a survival tactic, even at the cost of undermining their own sense of self-worth.
Why are narcissists obsessed with their past experiences?
Simply put, the narcissist will become obsessed with their ex when they refuse to remain “friends.”
The narcissist may be very open to this obsession, drawing as many people as possible into it. These narcissists always seem to know details about their ex and play obsessively with innocent gossip or concern for the ex-spouse’s well-being.
In this case, the ex will always be portrayed negatively as a tactic to discredit him and tarnish his character.
Of course, the narcissist will lie and say that this character distortion is coming from a place of empathy: They are not obsessively chasing down his or her life. They are only concerned with their own mental health and well-being.
The thing is, being obsessed with the safety and health of your ex isn’t normal in any way, shape, or form. If someone displays an obsessive “concern” for their ex’s well-being, that’s a big red flag that they are a narcissist with ulterior motives.
8 Dark reasons narcissists stay friends with their exes
- Collect intel and dig dirt
Sharing details about your life with an ex — such as where you work or the city you live in — may seem innocent enough. Why shouldn’t you catch up and bury the hatchet?
Unfortunately, for narcissists, harmless statements about your hobbies, workplace, and living situation are valuable bits of information.
For example, a narcissist might track down and start dating a yoga teacher. They may also tell someone in your business that you are “telling everyone” that you are not being treated fairly.
- Jealousy is multi-level
It is a common misconception that a narcissist only gets jealous once you start dating someone new. The truth is, a narcissist is always jealous.
If you don’t leave them for someone new, the narcissist will get jealous of your strength and confidence once you break up with them.
The narcissist needs you to value his opinion of you, long after your separation. This is why narcissists often do everything they can to remain “friends” with their ex.
- Consistent access to resources
Narcissists are very needy and dependent. Your narcissistic partner may have a strange relationship with his or her mother, for example, that mainstream society may find shocking.
The narcissist needs to keep the army of moms or dads on deck to provide them with resources like sex, housing, job opportunities, and validation.
Your drama does not matter to the narcissist. This is also a valuable resource for them to exploit. The narcissist, if able, may offer you shelter, a nice meal, or even just a friendly shoulder to cry on in their effort to:
They talked about themselves
Play with your emotions
Connect with trauma
manipulating you on the road
- Constant supply of attention and entertainment
Narcissists require constant attention to validate their entire existence. Negative, positive, neutral – it doesn’t matter. All attention is good attention and a source of entertainment for the narcissist.
Staying friends with an ex is an excellent way to get attention from someone because, as an ex, the narcissist thinks they know all of your biggest triggers and weaknesses.
This is why an ex’s behavior can suddenly trigger 180 times after a breakup. Since you are no longer providing them with a continuous supply of positive attention, they must do and say things to get negative attention from you.
In addition, anything you say to a narcissist turns into entertainment when they share details of your life with their circle of acquaintances.
- Coordinated invasive attacks
The narcissist spends a lot of time recruiting, training, and deploying their Flying Monkeys against anyone who acts out of line.
But this kind of gaslighting isn’t always done to manipulate your interpretation of reality.
The narcissist expects you to know that you are gaslighted. They want you to feel flattered that they talked about you to their exes. They want you to defend yourself against gaslighting because this will prove that you value their opinion.
- Maintain a (shallow) superiority complex
Narcissists display a childish level of insecurity. They constantly compare themselves to others.
The narcissist must find unique ways to feel superior to others. This often involves staying friends with their ex-girlfriends and taking joy out of their ex’s suffering – a hallmark of sadism.
Why? Narcissists can continue to gather information about their ex-partners to sabotage job prospects, future relationships, and everything else their former colleagues care about.
- A constant source of distraction
As a person without a true identity or sense of self-worth, a narcissist needs a constant source of distractions to avoid facing themselves in the mirror.
Narcissists never really care about bettering themselves.
By staying friends with their ex-girlfriends, narcissists maintain an endless stream of drama, problems, and things to complain about. This is perfect for narcissists because it means they don’t have time to focus on themselves.
- Sabotaging relationship prospects
No one wants to start a relationship with someone who is still paying attention to their ex on a regular basis.
By remaining friends, the narcissist is trying to ensure that you never start a relationship with someone decent. They hope that you will only attract shallow partners who will use you. If they start to suspect that you’ve found someone who’s a good match, they’ll start smearing that person over to you in hopes of ending things quickly.
This is good for narcissists because, as their “friend,” you may be complaining about your new partner to them, giving them attention, valuable information, and validation that they were the best they have been.
How to avoid staying in a relationship with a narcissistic ex
Learn about the addictive qualities of abuse
Although abuse is incredibly harmful, it is also addictive. Rollercoaster triggers the release of chemicals in your brain like dopamine, serotonin, and cortisol. Normal life can seem incredibly dull and boring.
It is important to recognize the addictive qualities of abuse because this may prevent you from replacing one addiction with another, such as drinking alcohol or taking drugs (which the narcissist would love).
Evaluate your friendships and tighten your circle
Unfortunately, a narcissist will prey on your friendships or family, often with the excuse that they are worried about your health.
Rate your circle of friends. Consider changing your phone number or moving proactively. Practice keeping personal details to yourself. Don’t share details about your mental health or emotional problems online unless you feel safe to do so and have gotten to know some people on a specific platform.
Create your own distractions
Turn it into spy mode. What does a spy do? They move to a new city, get a new job, pick up entirely new hobbies – and they don’t tell anyone anything.
Not only does this destroy all the information the narcissist has on you, but it also creates a host of healthy distractions for you. Distractions are important because they give you healthy things to focus on, new goals, and new opportunities to make new friends.
You always deserve the best
Narcissists prey on your positive feelings such as empathy, compassion, and remorse – qualities that all narcissists and psychopaths lack.
The abusive cycle of being “friends” with a narcissistic ex may seem normal after some time, but it is not. You always deserve better, no matter what he does or says to convince you otherwise.
Now that you’ve identified some key patterns, what do you do next? How has your life cycle changed?
First, learning to recognize narcissistic patterns is essential.
Even if you feel tempted to “move on,” you probably haven’t developed a strong radar for spotting narcissism. Insight is the best step forward. Are you really aware of your triggers? Do you recognize yourself in any of the above reasons? If so, spend some time thinking about how you can improve those pain points.
Personally, when I left my last toxic relationship several years ago, I forced myself to be alone for a long time. During this period, I did a lot of the healing work that I outlined in Break Free. I gave in and accepted that I wasn’t ready to walk away when the red flags started popping up. I learned my coping schemes and figured out how to overcome my triggers. I have done energy healing, both on my own at home and through energy healing practitioners. I got over the financial PTSD I developed from losing my money and having to start over.
