How do you know if a narcissist is cheating on you? What are the 8 signs of narcissistic infidelity, and how do you deal with it?
Narcissists are notorious for emotional and physical infidelity (1).
There is a wealth of research that suggests narcissism is positively associated with extramarital affairs and more permissive sexual attitudes toward infidelity, even when there is satisfaction in the current relationship (2, 3).
The difference between a regular cheater and a narcissistic cheater is that the narcissist seeks power and control.
Because of their lack of empathy, thirst for validation, and narcissistic supply, narcissists are able to amass admirers and admirers who they can feed off of.
All while maintaining a long-term relationship with a primary partner.
They are often successful in deceiving their long-term partners and other conquests because of their ability to fabricate lies and convince their victims to believe them.
Narcissists can present a false facade, fooling their partners and everyone around them into believing that they are charming and honest.
Let’s start with 8 warning signs that a narcissist is cheating on you.
Signs of Narcissist Cheating – 8 Signs a Narcissist is Cheating on You
There are varying levels of narcissism and different types, according to some people, so of course, not every narcissist will exhibit exactly the same behaviors.
A deceitful narcissist will likely have developed a strategy that works for them when it comes to deceiving their victims.
However, there are some general signs you can look out for that may reveal that your partner is a deceitful narcissist.
- Early on, they boldly declare that they will never lie or cheat
Cheating Sign #1: Beware of a Hypocritical Narcissist Who Deals with Contradictions.
If they declare early on in the relationship how much they hate lying and cheating, this may be a sign that they are exactly who they say they are not.
Remember, someone who constantly has to remind you of how honest and trustworthy they are is probably the opposite behind your back.
They may tell you a tragic story about how they cheated on you in order to appear as victims and claim that this is why they would never do such a thing. However, if they constantly talk about how honest and trustworthy they are, this could actually be a red flag.
Narcissists often project a different image of themselves to the world, which is inconsistent with who they really are (4).
- They often cancel plans at the last minute or don’t hear from them for days at a time
If you’re in the early stages of an “exclusive” relationship, it can be easy to dismiss these behaviors as flaking or attempts to play the cool.
However, if these behaviors persist, they could be a sign that you’re not the only person the narcissist finds time for.
If you’re in a long-term relationship with a narcissist and they routinely use ignoring (the silent treatment) against you.
This could also be a sign that they’re cheating, as they may be using this time to pursue other goals.
This is why they may ask you to take a “break” or don’t hear from them for days.
Even if you live with them, they may find ways to get away. They may intentionally start a fight with you to get a valid excuse for being away.
- Their social media use is suspicious
Narcissists often use social media because it gives them a sense of validation and power knowing that people follow and like them (5).
Suspicious behavior on social media can manifest itself in a number of ways.
Narcissists have been known to use dating apps even when they are committed and may also engage in overt flirting both online and offline (6).
You may notice them posting flirty comments on other people’s photos or following a large number of sexually explicit accounts.
They may refuse to post a relationship status with you or keep adding suspicious new “friends.”
Similarly, if your partner doesn’t have social media accounts, this could also be a red flag.
They may use this to protect themselves – if none of their partners can see what they’re doing on social media, it’s much harder to spot them.
- Others warn you about them
If the narcissist’s exes are publicly calling them out or going out of their way to warn you about them, take a step back.
This may seem like a pretty obvious sign, but narcissists are such master liars that it’s easy to believe them when they claim these people are “crazy.”
They’ll discredit their past victims and say they were “obsessed.”
They may preempt these warnings and tell you lies before these people reach out to warn you.
But don’t assume that every ex is just out to destroy your relationship, listen to these warnings if they come up.
- They lie compulsively
Narcissists are often pathological liars (7). They gain a sense of power by deceiving people.
If they are cheating on you, they will lie to prevent themselves from falling into the trap. However, they may lie even when they have no reason to do so, as it gives them a sense of superiority. If you notice them lying about small, everyday things, it could be a sign that they are cheating on you.
- They’re Extremely Jealous or Accuse You of Cheating
To distract you from their infidelity, they may berate you and suggest that you’re cheating on them.
They may think that you won’t suspect them of cheating if they show such extreme disdain for such behavior.
Even if you suspect them of cheating on you, it’s hard to bring up the subject while also trying to defend yourself. This is a strong sign that you’re being cheated on.
- Change in Sex Habits
Sex can be a source of narcissistic supply for a narcissist.
If you notice that they’re no longer demanding as much sex from you, there’s a good chance they’re getting it from somewhere else.
Or if they suddenly want more sex from you, this could indicate that they’ve recently dumped another lover and are turning to you to fulfill their needs.
- They’re Suddenly Extremely Frugal
Narcissists like to spend money on new love interests in the early stages of a relationship when they’ve “failed to love” their last victim.
If you notice a sharp drop in the amount of money and time they want to spend on you, they’re probably focusing their attention elsewhere.
Do all narcissists cheat?
Not all narcissists cheat, but having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) makes them more likely than the average person to cheat on their partner (8).
Likewise, you can’t say that all cheaters are narcissists. People from all backgrounds and all personality types are capable of cheating.
But the reasons why a narcissist might cheat and the way they feel (or don’t feel) about it set them apart from others.
Why do narcissists cheat?
A narcissist’s tendency to cheat on their partner comes from a combination of factors. Some things that may contribute are:
Narcissistic Supply
Narcissists feed on attention and one relationship doesn’t always give them what they need.
This is especially true if the relationship has been going on for a while and is no longer as “exciting” as it once was.
They may look to new admirers to provide the attention they crave.
Sense of Entitlement
Narcissists believe they deserve things more than others.
They feel they deserve everything they want in life, including having more than one partner or having affairs.
Poor Impulse Control
There is evidence to suggest a strong link between narcissism and impulsivity (9).
This is not always true, as narcissists can also be very calculating, but in situations where there is an opportunity to secure narcissistic supply.
The narcissist may find the urge irresistible and display a lack of self-control.
This does not excuse their behavior at all, it simply makes you aware of this narcissistic trait.
PowerTrip
Narcissists like to feel like they are in control of others (10), so they may find it difficult to attract and seduce people, even if they are in a relationship.
They enjoy the chase and the satisfaction of successfully seducing someone.
They may even get more pleasure from controlling more than one partner, so they may engage in relationships or even live multiple lives with multiple partners.
They see this as evidence of their superiority over others.
Lack of Empathy
Narcissists can demean people and view them as objects to use for their own gain (11).
This means that they have no empathy or guilt for cheating on a partner, even if it’s someone they’ve been in a long-term relationship with.
This is because they’ve been disconnected from their human feelings, which they believe makes them vulnerable.
How to Deal with a Cheating Narcissist?
If you notice some of these red flags, you have two options:
Confront the narcissist or,
Leave them as quickly and calmly as possible.
What Happens When You Confront a Cheating Narcissist?
If you’re absolutely certain that the narcissist is cheating on you and you decide to confront them about it.
Just remember that they will use all the usual narcissistic techniques to try to get out of it and keep you on their side. Some typical narcissistic reactions include:
Denial – This is usually their first reaction and they will refuse to admit they’ve done anything wrong. They may even make up some lies to convince you of their innocence. Even if you have evidence that shows they’re guilty, they will distort this and insist that the source is unreliable.
Anger – They will get angry and tease you to get you off topic. They will refuse to engage and shut down the conversation any time you bring it up. Blame – If they are completely cornered and have no choice but to admit they are cheating, they will try to turn the situation around and blame you for their mistakes, claiming that it was your behavior that led them to cheat.
Should You Confront a Cheating Narcissist?
Confronting a cheating narcissist certainly won’t make you happy, and they’ll likely feel bad about the whole thing.
But if you need some evidence, for example, for a divorce, you may have to do it.
Even if you just want to leave the relationship, having this conversation may be the first step.
Leaving a narcissist isn’t easy, but if the narcissist knows you’ve gotten it and no longer believe their lies, they may decide you’re no longer worth the effort and make the breakup easier.
The alternative is to simply walk away and not contact them. If you don’t think there’s anything to be gained from confronting them, this is definitely your best option.
Read my other article for more information on the best way to ignore a narcissist.
In the long run, this is an effective way to deal with a narcissist, although it may be difficult at first.
Final Thoughts
No matter what approach you take, the narcissist is likely to wage a smear campaign against you that makes you look like a bad person, because they don’t want others to think they’re less perfect than they think they are.
Ultimately, it’s probably best for you to leave the relationship.
Narcissists are unlikely to change their ways. If they’re cheating on you now, they’re likely to continue doing so, no matter how remorseful they are.
