Good friends are one of life’s greatest gifts, right? Healthy friendships are all about giving and receiving support; everyone benefits from them.
But what happens when a friendship turns toxic?
A friendship that turns toxic is one that’s based on manipulation. It’s usually one-sided, with the manipulator controlling everything, reaping all the benefits, and offering little in return.
The truth is: that most friendships don’t start toxic; they slowly become toxic over time, making them hard to spot and even harder to walk away from.
Are you worried that one of your friendships might be turning toxic? I know how hard it can be because I found myself in the same place a few years ago. I researched the signs of a toxic friend and realized that one of my friendships had turned toxic.
Today, I want to share with you 8 signs of a toxic friend to help you figure out what’s going on. From there, you’ll be better equipped to make the best choice for yourself.
Let’s get straight to the point.
1) They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries
Does the friend in question respect your boundaries?
Boundaries define what you’re willing to accept and what you’re not. I know you’re best friends, but just because you’re so close doesn’t mean you don’t set boundaries. We all have boundaries, and true friends will respect them.
As psychotherapist and author Katie Gillis explains, “One way to tell if a friend is toxic is if they don’t respect your boundaries.”
You’ll notice that they don’t respect things like your need for personal space, your decisions and opinions, and even your time for being late.
When you’re close to someone, it can be tempting to relax your boundaries a little but trust me, that’s a bad idea.
Looking at my toxic friendship, the first sign it was turning toxic was that my friend, let’s call her Leah, started ignoring my boundaries. And I let that happen.
If someone consistently doesn’t respect your boundaries, pay attention—this is a warning sign that they might be a toxic friend.
2) They Always Play the Victim
Do you know someone who always seems to be the victim in every situation? It’s like no matter what happens, they’re always the victim, and someone else is the one at fault.
The problem is that playing the victim is their way of avoiding accountability and gaining sympathy by getting people on their side.
At first, they’ll use it to get you on their side, but later on, you’re likely the bad guy in their story and they’ll get someone else’s sympathy.
Psychotherapist and author Erin Leonard, Ph.D., talks about the signs of a toxic friend, noting, “They often play the victim, emphasizing that they’re going through a tougher time than anyone else.”
Playing the victim in this way isn’t just a clear sign of a toxic friend. It’s also a very common manipulation tactic, which makes sense because manipulation is at the heart of toxic friendships.
If you notice that someone is always the victim in their stories, it’s time to ask yourself, “Am I getting the whole picture here or is there something else going on?”
3) They Make You Feel Guilty
Guilt is a classic manipulation tactic and a favorite among toxic friends, so beware of this one.
“If someone makes you feel bad about something you did (or didn’t do) and then uses those bad feelings to get you to do something for them, you’re experiencing guilt,” explains Kendra Sherry, a psychologist and educator.
They act like you owe them something, but in reality, you didn’t do anything wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about.
When I started playing on a new sports team, I was making a lot of new friends and Leah didn’t like that. She started guilt-tripping me by saying things like, “We haven’t been seeing each other since you’re so busy with your new sports friends, I think they’re more important now.”
When she said this, I felt bad at first and promised to make up for it by doing something nice on the weekend. But looking back, I was only spending an hour or two a week with my new friends and had no reason to feel guilty about it.
RELATED:9 signs you’re dealing with an incredibly smart but manipulative person
Have you noticed that your friend makes you feel guilty about things that most people don’t even mention? If so, you likely have a toxic friend.
4) They Try to Isolate You
I know this may sound like I’m talking about a possessive partner but believe it or not, toxic friends may try to isolate you from other friends.
Let me explain: Toxic friends want to control you and influence you to do what they want. When you have other friends, it’s harder for them to manipulate you because you have outside influences to criticize their bad behavior.
As clinical psychologist Bethany Jobe explains, isolation is one stage of manipulation where the goal is to “separate you from people who might be able to stop the manipulation.”
If you notice any of your friends talking badly about other friends or being overly negative toward them for no real reason, this is a big warning sign that you’re dealing with a toxic friend.
5) You Find Yourself Making Excuses for Them
Listen, this is more about you than it is about them, but it’s really important.
Be Honest: Do you find yourself making excuses for your (possibly toxic) friend often?
This resonates with me because if I’m being completely honest, I was always making excuses for Leah to everyone. I had multiple friends from different social groups and even my family warned me about her, questioning her behavior and calling it what it was — manipulation.
I would constantly defend her by saying things like, “Yeah, but you don’t understand, that’s Leah, she doesn’t mean anything by it” or “You don’t understand our friendship so I don’t expect you to understand.”
But here’s the point: They were all right, every single one of them. I wish I had listened sooner. I thought I knew better, but I was blind to it at the time.
If you notice yourself defending them and their behavior toward others or yourself, it’s a sign that deep down, you know their actions are unacceptable.
6) They’re Passive-Aggressive
When it comes to conflict with a toxic friend, it’s all sly sarcasm and indirect jabs. It’s nearly impossible to sit down and have a discussion about how you’re both feeling.
Instead of being honest, they’ll use confusing and hurtful passive-aggressive tactics. This includes things like sarcasm, indirect compliments, a lot of sarcasm, and even the silent treatment.
Does this sound familiar?
As PsychCentral notes, the presence of passive aggression is a telltale sign of a toxic friendship.
Regina George (played by Rachel McAdams) from the original Mean Girls is the queen of passive aggression. She constantly uses these tactics to control and manipulate her group of friends. They’re the ultimate example of a toxic friend.
Look: all friends have disagreements. But if every little thing gets you a sarcastic comment or a few days of the silent treatment, that’s a huge warning sign that your friendship has become toxic and that you’re putting up with things that no one else should ever have to go through.
7) They Downplay Their Actions
At some point, you’re fed up and you start to respond, right?
But guess what?
Your toxic friend refuses to take any responsibility for their actions. Instead, they downplay their role and shift the blame.
Downplaying your toxic friend’s actions in this way is a form of emotional manipulation because it makes you question your perception of reality. You start to wonder if they’re right and that you might be going crazy.
Psychologist Dr. Courtney Warren warns that if you hear things like “You’re overreacting” or “You’re crazy,” they might be playing you down.
If this resonates with you, it may be time to accept that you have a toxic friend who is cheating on you.
8) They are trying to emotionally blackmail you
When your toxic friends can’t get you to do what they want easily, they may try to use emotional blackmail.
Psychotherapist and author Susan Forward defines emotional blackmail in the title of her book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate.
They know you well and know which buttons they can push to control you. Emotional blackmail might be when they say, “If you were my best friend, you would do [insert your choice].”
In this scenario, they are trying to use your loyalty as a friend to get you to do something you don’t want to do.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with a toxic friend isn’t easy because, in addition to all the bad things we’ve discussed today, there are also times when they are the best friends in the world. This is the friend you don’t want to lose and the friendship you cling to.
The problem is that you can’t have the good without the bad. At some point, the negative effects of a toxic friendship start to outweigh the benefits. It may be time to walk away.
It’s not easy, but trust me, you’ll be glad you did.
